I’ve learned a lot about myself from you, young man.
I’m grateful that I’ve met you. I had only ever had sex in the past 26 years with one other person where I wasn’t fantasizing about some other partner not in the same room and it was only one time. I craved him for a decade after but he wasn’t interested. Didn’t stop me from loving him completely at a distance until the moment I laid eyes on you.
I’ve had that feeling every time I was with you.
It has been fucking magical. How often do people get to have that, hmm? How often is it that the person that you want is actually in your arms? For me, I barely knew such a thing existed other than in my thoughts. I’m confident that the universe put you in my path so that I could genuinely experience that even if it was for the briefest amount of time.
I don’t want to cage you, I never did.
You gave me a chance to take a hard look at myself, young man.
I’ve been such a people pleaser my entire life but to please you, I had to pretend to be dominant and relentless and powerful and strong and in charge. In life, I’ve had to be submissive, just to survive.
Until I met you, I didn’t even know to what extent that chick existed inside me. You showed up that first day with that duffle bag and that whiskey and got on your knees and I was forever changed.
I can’t thank you enough.
I can’t tolerate anything less than that feeling of being chest to chest with the person that you fantasize about anymore. Nothing less than a partner who sees me as a valued and respected equal will ever do again.
And I really felt like, you weren’t even a real person, young man.
You must have been just a figment of my imagination, something I cooked up to teach myself that the way that I was doing it wasn’t working. Pining for a person who didn’t even want to be with me was numbing me to death. That coat that you have that I wanted you to give me, I dunno, it made the whole interaction like, perhaps you were real and not in my head. If you’d have let me have that coat when I asked for it, when I walked away from all this, I could wear it and become her, that strong dominant woman, through having met you. I could be her again, and again, at will.
But even better than that, without it, I can accept the truth.
I’ve lived here four years and you will forever be Ohio to me. I don’t need a thing to remind me, I will remember. I still have a video of you telling me you love me if I ever forget.
Don’t ever be sorry that you didn’t or couldn’t make yourself love me for real, young man.
You weren’t supposed to.
That’s my job and being with you, for those few times that I got to shove my body up against yours and bend you over and take what I wanted from the only person who taking it from was pleasing to me, I am encouraged. How often do people get to have that, hmm? I can at least now say that I have.
I am incredible and I didn’t know that until you kissed me.
I’m going to try and love me better thanks to you, young man.
You never gave me the coat but the coat is in my heart now where a cold breezy hole used to be. All of those years of unrequited love were good practice, but I now know what I am capable of offering and I now know who I am also capable of being.
Somebody like me was never supposed to taste white pearl albino caviar, young man.
But I can’t go back now, darling. There’s no turning back.
This chapter is ending and I needed the lesson.
I’ve learned a lot about myself from you, young man. I’m grateful that I’ve met you.

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