He promises me something.
I fall for it every single time.
He tells me that I’m the one.
I want to believe his lies.
He says that I win that I can leave
knowing
that no one else had conquered him but me.
He tells me only because I’m leaving, I’m sure.
And this must be what drug addiction is like.
You get off the stuff, you get clean, the world smells different
food starts to taste good again, you’re sleeping now
and for some reason you’re convinced
that you’re healthy, and over it and stronger
And you have one more taste.
Just like you always do.
And the drug promises you something.
You fall for it every single time.
You want to now, its a decision now, its your life now.
Before I know it I’m impulsively shopping for him
I’m hiding from the rest of the world so no one can take me from him
I’m lying in bed alone thinking about the last time I kissed him
On repeat.
And then he is distant. He says why don’t you get this is a game?
And I want to believe my own lies.
I tell him but hey, you belong to me and I want all of you whenever I can have you for as long as you can fucking stand it.
He ignores me purposely.
And then I say I’m not mad or shocked or surprised. I expect nothing less from you. You get off on disappointing me.
Now I’m hypersensitive and anxious.
And then I say the only reason you get to act like you do towards me is because I love your stupid ass.
He ignores me like every good drug is supposed to when you run out of it.
Now I’m paranoid and delirious. I’m in a love hate relationship with my own bullshit.
And then I say in a text in all caps, I don’t need a cage to control you honey if you want to be controlled.
He laughs, I apologize but I’m really saying I’m sorry to myself.
Again.
He then tells me I’m the one and interjects with a BUT
I say let’s fuck under an apple tree, oblivious, because I want to be.
He ignores me.
Now I’m hurt but I started all of this again. When I let him back in.
As soon as I’m nearly free I become Lot’s wife.
Ruining my own life.
This time, though, this time… I can see me and so I tell him something new…
I’m going to try and do one thing differently. Every other time you do this to me, I immediately seek out someone to fuck who is actually extremely grateful to get my affections and then I systematically manipulate and abuse them until they hate me, and rightfully so. This time, you bastard, I’m going to sit here with the pain. I’m not going to hurt anyone else just because I can’t have you.
He doesn’t need to promise me another thing.
Slowly, but surely I’m recovering.
Slowly but surely I’m learning too.
I need to change the drugs I want to do…