After Nell Fenwick Again

You’re asking me, world, for all this strength and I can barely stand
There’s nothing to sweep up and muster sometimes when everything built is on shifting sands
All I can do is get back to my weight loss routine get back to some universal truth
Get back to standing for something get back to following through
But I can’t forgive everybody, especially people who don’t seem to care
People I carry around in my features, in my laugh lines and texture of hair
and now I’m pushing forward with no understanding, no relief, no breaks
and I’m gathering up the pieces of myself broken by mine and their mistakes
But I’m so tired and the world keeps spinning and no one’s aware of me at all
Yet they are supposedly praying for me to be strong enough to handle this brutal haul
My parents don’t call not unless they need and all of this caring hardens into grief
and my knees are buckling from all this hustling and all this trying to stay alive
and all this bull shit I have to clean up from listening to cheaters and losers and liars
If I collapse there’s no one to catch me and after I’m gone it will be like I was never there
I’m just an affair and a fantasy and a burden and a cost and I feel like I’m never getting anywhere
So gotta get back to my guided meditations get back to my weight loss routine get back to pretending any of this has meaning for me
without him and them and someone to love me
and why am I so scared
of ending up without what I’ve already lived without and I can’t prove it exists anywhere
so I must get back to practicing believable smiles and keep trudging on toward nothing
and keep hoping some of this acceptance will flow back through me before I pass out or something…

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