Our new reality is you’re a fucking moron.
Its one thing to not like or respect someone but its a whole other thing
to feel that way and still attempt to use them as if they have an obligation to you.
How stupid could you be? How stupid do you think that I am?
(And I am. This is how you chose to start our day after ignoring me for three solid days? Now see under normal circumstances, I’d not be upset at this. As a matter of fact, I’d be elated. I love him. Obviously. Or I want to really badly. I don’t love him. And this is the part that is bothering me).
Damn. That’s the insult. You think I’m so stupid and worthless that even a fucking piece of fabric is more valuable to you than me and yet, I should still kowtow, like I’m lucky to have you. The audacity of the shit is either genius or ridiculously idiotic. Bottom line is bitch, I think you’re pretty. I like my fantasy where you star and you matter to me. You could have had anything, literally, anything that I had to give until I fucking died, that’s how much I enjoyed the notion. But because you’re so shortsighted you not only opted out accidentally and tried to change the hierarchy purposely, but you’re so dumb that you’ve ignored the fact that at any moment I could be the shittiest hurt person ever and ruin your entire fucking life forever and the only punishment I’d get is a cushy room in an exclusive psych ward.
( He thinks of me as his mistress but purely in a transactional way. There’s nothing mutual about it and if that’s the case- if he doesn’t love me then HE SHOULD FUCKING PAY ME. And that would settle it, wouldn’t it? If he offered me money, I wouldn’t take it but at least, at the very least, I’d know that he doesn’t want to be important in my life. I basically just fuck how he likes to be fucked. I can handle that. I’d leave his dumb ass alone for sure then but I respect the purity in the honesty even if its painful. I’m mad because this is what it is but he refuses to say so. Its insulting on so many levels.)
But I’m trying to get better. It’s not cool to be how I’ve been entertaining myself with people who have trash for hearts, like yourself. I wish you every happiness and success. I wish you joy and peace. I hope that all of your endeavors are profitable and that you and I both eventually learn how to give and to receive love. Leave me alone. Don’t text me back. Just dissolve away. Because that day when you lost your shit and started crying to me you told the truth. You ain’t shit and I can do better. If I ever wanted to be a prostitute you can damn sure bet I could get a coat from a John. I wouldn’t have taken any compensation for my love from you, it’s the concept in the offering that is the most telling. Either way, I would have left you alone, its destiny I have no choice in the matter except to stop it on my schedule when I fucking feel like it. I feel like it now. You’re useless to my progression and you voluntarily lost the top spot in my heart by choice.
( I’ve been trying to leave him alone I’ve just been doing a shit job of it. I’m leaving town in a couple of weeks and this and it and him don’t really matter, I’m making it all matter just to keep feeling like shit over and over again. I can’t trust my own desires or heart because they only ever betray me. What I need I shouldn’t. I just keep hurting myself through others and I’m sick of it because I do it a lot. I find someone I can’t really love and love them with all of my might. I’m tired of doing the same shit I always do. I’m tired of me. I’m tired of loving someone I know it’s impossible to love from the start and then getting mad at the end when I was right from the beginning, and then causing a ruckus and commotion and destroying property and lives and hopes in the process when this was all me to begin with. Nobody forced me. I’m playing this game with myself. I’m over it.)
Soooooooooo if you hadn’t gathered, fuck you. Be well.