I’m sorry it’s hard to stop.
I’m back in grad school now and I’m panicking.
It’s actually pretty fucking great, that’s the problem.
It’s legit wonderful. I like school. I like order. I’m trying.
I take cranberry pills and plant based digestive enzymes and green tea supplements now.
I meditate on Wednesdays and listen to binaural mindfulness beats at work and have affirmations on my vanity now.
I’m just ungrateful and crazy.
I miss my kid a little.
He doesn’t say love you too anymore when he hangs up now, he just hangs up.
I know what’s next. I’ll be so lonely that I’ll end up with a Doctorate and a bunch of fancy worthless titles and no you.
No anybody.
Sorry I’m bothering you.
I’m ungratefully crazed.
The fact that you exist and I can’t be with you and it’s not hurting you like it’s hurting me is just another way for me to torture myself and I really am trying to let go although it probably doesn’t seem like it to you the past few days that I’ve kept reaching out and I’m sorry about bothering you, truly.
Guys here are beautiful but empty. Or happy. Or secure. I don’t really know. I’ve not given anyone else a chance to do me like you did. I don’t want to feel like this anymore about anyone else anyway.
It’s hard to explain,
and I know that you don’t care
and I’m going to stop now
I promise
as long as you don’t respond again…