The Last Deaths of 2018

How the monster saved me today was
our most recent and evidently last conversation.
He was reminding me how much he missed me physically and that if we’d ever decided to be anything it would have been fun and then ultimately ruined
One of us would fuck it up or possibly both of us and we’d burn like flames
fucking up everything
yet he still wanted me to send sexy pics though.
I said no.
I said send me something instead and then he said
you know you are the prettier between us two.
And for a second I was free falling

off the edge of the mountain of his words into a lava creek bed red as blood
he just lied.

God knows why.
He just lied and saved me.

He’s 24 and I’m 43. He don’t think that I know that he looks better than me?

So this is sarcasm huh, you miscommunicating ass bastard. Or is this flattery, fucking flattery like I’m so crazy and so stupid that I need to be lied to by you, what must you want from me financially for this bullshit?

So I said, You lie and instead of trying to clean it up because he actually gave a fuck and realized he messed up and now he’s going to course correct, still a lying ass fucker but one who at least has a concept of my feelings but nooooo

the narcissist in the monster that I loved the best
sent me an emoji face laughing through tears.
My heart shattered
This means yeah he really did want body pics from me at 43 and yeah he sure did think we’d be a sexcapade parade until the real nightmare, caused by one or the other of us really began.

He saved me today.

In all the worst ways but I survived it and him
even though it’s all my damn fault
but he’s what I used to like up until he lied, I will admit
and I still can say I loved him once. When it mattered.
When he was young. Actually one of the first ones.
I really didn’t have shit to lose but I don’t want to let my dignity go too.

He really thinks he looks better than me, see, that’s the thing
I can also say what I know that’s scientifically true,
when my fair monster is the same age (if he lives that long) as me
he won’t look half as pretty as I do today…
melanin and vaginas just work that way…

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