Tapping into me at age 7 and I was spectacular
I was the only child in the house then
And although my mom didn’t pay me much attention
I had three doting aunts and a cool ass uncle
and they let me do whatever I wanted
which was mostly read books and sing and pretend I was a patron at a fancy restaurant all the time
I had their undivided attention and I really liked being the only kid around
and then my aunt, one of the twins, got pregnant
and everyone was so excited for the new baby and I felt this and I hated it
She used to tell a story before she died that when she told me she was pregnant
I jumped on her stomach violently
trying to kill her baby
so I would get to be her baby
and no one else would get any of the love that she and my aunts and my uncle gave me
ever
when he was born I took him under my wing immediately
like he was just another one of my things
and I felt responsible for trying to destroy him and doted on him more than anyone else in my life for a really long time until I had my own son probably for the most part
We haven’t spoken in six years and I know he has six kids and I’ve only managed to be able to raise the one
and I guess for the most part I haven’t changed
I still love all of the same things
including being the one and only
something I try to pretend I’m not still a vicious defender of
But everyone’s gone
as soon as he came to be it was all over for me
and I’ve been chasing that high
four doters at all times
for a very long time
I understand that now
I’ve never really felt safe enough to be spectacular at all
unless all eyes were on me alone
and there was no one else to be loved instead