Nate was the first boy I ever thought I loved.
He was Tom Cruise and Jon Bender or at least as close as I ever thought that I’d get to them
I knew him since he was 8
we went to the same Sunday School and Wednesday Night services
and he was a bad kid
always getting away with everything Scot Free
and no one ever thought one single bad thought about me because I was kind, and funny and quiet and polite and wore glasses and sat in the back and shrank every time I could.
But I saw something in him, man
something I wanted
to tame
to control
to unleash in me
he didn’t know I felt how I felt until he was about 13
and really the only girl who wasn’t in his family that he had been exposed to was me
to him I didn’t mean a thing, I was a play thing
he was practicing
and as soon as any girls were around, pretty girls, older girls, really any other girls
he showed me how much I meant
very plainly
by ignoring me and I never complained
I loved every minute of it
because I knew something that he didn’t
I was practicing too
the game we were playing would never be over until I won it
he got married and had five or six kids
and from me never much more than a kiss
he works hard busting up stuff like he used to when he was small
he’s still fine, don’t get me wrong, gotta an older Johnny Depp thing going on
but there’s one thing he regrets and it eats him alive
that there might have been a chance had he played it differently
that I might be in his life
its kept him up at night wrong roads and choices
and he thought this would make me stir
yet he’s only ever touched the outside of me
neither one of us over 21 is how long its been
and that’s the thing
I’m super petty
his imagination is going to get the same kind of work out
mine did all those years ago
you didn’t love me when I was pimply?
Then you’ll want to forever, believe me
you helped make me this human being
he’ll always regret every single time he sees me
and knows he could have had me
and therefore everything that he doesn’t and wont
we both have lived a long time for this
his Virgo against my Virgo has infinity’s kiss
I win though because writing it down now is about as much as I give a fuck
but he thought I was in love…
and he still does
he still does
he still does
But it was just the first time that I THOUGHT that I was
I was wrong…

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