Security Blankets Are People Too

Very rarely do I get invited in
Might have happened once or twice
or a thousand times I don’t know
I don’t pay close attention to shit outside of my control
I met one that wasn’t perfect but that I thought I might like
right physical features and the right height and he talks like I talk and he seems more than cool
but he’s hesitant and I immediately second guessed it and went to do what I do
(when I want someone so bad I set myself up to fail
I find the nearest replacement person instead of biting my nails
and I force them to wait with me, together with clasped hands
but they have no idea I’m waiting for confirmation from a whole other man
and I’m telling them jokes and being very charming and getting to know them and being sexually disarming and saying all of the things I want to say to my beloved
if only he would just confirm the part about he and I being an us)
and for the first time ever it occurred to me before too much damage had set in
that this is not a very kind way to treat myself or these men
they might want real attachments and I’m stringing them along
they may have missed the woman of their dreams whilst I forced them to hold on
and it doesn’t make the one I want any more or less into me
and I figured if I was this kind of person still then maybe I’m not ready
but I decided to do something I don’t often do
I told the truth, I told the whole entire ass truth
I pulled the back up plans aside, yes there were three in the wings instead of just one
and I apologized for starting things with them when I knew it wasn’t love and we wouldn’t even fuck
I was scared really of what they might say I’m always scared when things don’t go my way, I’m always scared when I can’t see around the bend, I’m always scared when some man is trying to be my damn friend
and surprisingly 2 of 3 were cool and wished me luck you can’t win them all
but I know I would have wanted to been let off the hook if I was the one hanging on
I’m fully grown with still so much growing up to do
I know I can’t make anybody love me when I want them to
I know being lonely is better than being used
I know patience is one of those blasted virtues
I know I should be honest so people have actual options from which to choose
I like him or I think I do so what is my rush?
Why do I need so many hangers on to keep my temperature up?
Well it’s wrong and I know it and I told them and I’ve stopped
because if I ever get a chance at love I don’t want to be the one to fuck it up
Very rarely do I ever get invited in
And it had only been a few hours since I’d heard from him
and in that time I had two dates and one booty call on the calendar
spreading myself so thin I can’t be gathered close enough for an emotional shatter
So I’m going to sit here outside of the door this time
I’m going to wait patiently and stop attacking my own mind
with my eye on the horizon instead of the door knob which may never turn
when you’ve tripped over you enough you have to want to learn…
…which I think I do

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