Zatara

What’s really wrong? Well nothing, not anything important and frankly that should be all that there is to say.

 

Unfortunately, there is still a feeling
a nagging if you will
that I’m missing something
that I’ve over or under done something
and somehow whichever way its wrong, is because of me, because I’m somehow wrong at the core of the thing.
I dunno, these people and their “personalities” and their fears and their outbreaks and their comments and rants I don’t know how much I can really take for very long at a stretch.
Either I like them so much that I want to become them to compensate for the fact that I don’t feel like anyone valuable at all, or I can’t stand them to the same nth degree that I want to rid all of us of their existence.
But there is this nagging voice and I do mean nagging,
when I dislike someone so much my temperature is raised
and I’m angry…
what it is about them that on some level reminds me of me?
What is it that they are doing or getting away with that I am jealous about?
How are they the parts of me that I don’t want anyone to notice or acknowledge?
Why aren’t they being beaten down by the world for looking or behaving or acting that way and if they are, why isn’t it killing them?

So many questions
nothing but questions
and no answers really, that make me feel any better about anything.
I read someone’s comment that you can’t hate yourself to improvement but that is categorically false.
I live that life every day.
If I could stand myself, what questions would I have?
Why would I try so hard to not jump off a bridge and take the bridge down with me?
I think that is the thing though I see others not doing this, not taking care of themselves or being kind and courteous and there is an authenticity about it that is irritating to my lesser more jealous self.
If I could have anything I’d just want the world to not phase me.
I don’t want to become every great person I meet, and I don’t want to devolve into every bastard I come across. But I’m just this busted up thing
pretending
mad at others who do it better
and furious at those who don’t feel the need
to even try.

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