I remember now. One day you were sitting alone quiet, after a big fight with a boyfriend and you lie in bed in the bluest of rooms and you said to yourself I am going to envision my future. You closed your eyes and you saw yourself in an apartment facing the light, close to the sea. You knew you had worked and paid for all of it yourself. There were books; your books and the books of your heroes. And no one else was there. It was a creamy calm in that place and believe it or not, all of these years later, it has manifested itself. You see, all of the relationships you’ve had after, never seemed to be superior to that thought of being all alone someday.
And here you sit on a sunny spring day in California.
You planned it.
And here you sit with your books and their books on shelves that always remain in eye line.
You prepared for it.
And here you sit in an apartment that you don’t want to own because you want to be able to leave at anytime.
You wished it. You wished this. And I guess maybe its normal to forget once in a while, when some emotional trigger from an advertisement or a friend crosses your path and you feel a brain tug that tells you that you are missing out on something in all this solitude.
But you aren’t hurting anyone here.
And you aren’t hurting yourself here.
When disappointment washes over you remember that this is what you asked the universe for
this is one of the things that the core of you used to calm yourself down
imagining where you are at this very second
in-between asking for his love or his, or his of course.
This was the constant undercurrent and hopeful pining.
To be all by myself and free. To experience peace.
So quit your bitching, bitch and enjoy enjoying.