I do love the monster and on some level, I always will partially because there is nothing happening in reality that would prevent me from doing so. I know love has conditions whether people think it does or not and if he was physically or emotionally or verbally abusive toward me or robbed me or hurt my child even, I’d be extremely sad but I would feel justified in walking away.
Instead, I’m destructively blue and I was thinking about it a bit on the drive to work today, the things that we commit to but realistically only temporarily. The monster texted me maybe a couple of weeks ago and said I wasn’t ready to be a grown-up girlfriend anyway if I was making plans with him for 3 years into the future, knowing that I am starting something with someone else. I wanted to be mad at that, considering the source, but he was right. I can’t have my head and heart in two places, I’m sure people think they can but I am not one of those people. Even though I have always had my pedestal person and whoever I was dating, it was really just to run to the other if one was not sufficient in making me feel better about me, which is ultimately a self-esteem issue if I look at it close enough.
My thoughts about me turn into feelings about others and those feelings become behaviors and behaviors become habits and then those habits make me feel thoughts about myself and round and round I go.
I get pathetically blue and then I check to see if the monster messaged me a least once a day.
I was out and about in the city at a Pride event all by myself and every vendor and person let me know that it was weird that I was there alone. Where’re your people? Who are you here with? Are you by yourself?
I know they didn’t mean any harm.
I didn’t really feel bad about it either at first but then later I was beating myself about the head and neck.
Why don’t you have anybody close nearby who cares about you or wants to do things with you?
The whole world has an aversion to me apparently. It’s my fault. I’m crazy and people can tell.
But they also can tell that they aren’t going to get to fuck me for free either.
You’re coming up off something, buddy, even if it just might be your semi blue soul…
Thoughts, behaviors, feelings and over and over.
I wanted to talk to the monster yesterday but I didn’t. I genuinely vacillate all day long between seriously giving up on trying to have relationships with people entirely because I’m no good at it and people should focus their energies on their strengths so I should just throw myself into all sorts of hobbies and distractions and/or fucking drinking until none of it matters.
None of which will actually help.
I got so desperately blue that I told the monster once, maybe a year or two ago that whenever we were done with whatever it was that we were doing that I simply would not ever love another man. And I meant it when I said it.
It’s so much work and so much compromise and I feel like people stay in these relationships so they don’t ever hear questions like Where’re your people? Who are you here with? Are you by yourself?
I don’t want to be scared of meeting the world head-on by myself.
Its how I came to be and it is how it will all end.
Of course, I know I can’t predict the future and if it is “real” love it is not black and white but the effort from each individual needs to be at 100 percent at all times, whether the other partner can only be at 50 or lower for a time. And what if that partner never makes it up to 100?
I just feel like anyone who chooses to deal with me for any length of time has to on some level eventually want the best for me and if they know they are not that, they should give me every out simply because they do care.
I’m vehemently blue now and I dunno with all of the growing I have left to do before it all ends if being in a relationship, a real one, with someone is even something I have enough time left on the planet to learn how to do successfully.
I don’t think its a waste of time simply because I’ve never gotten my way at it but I don’t know if I have built up enough thoughts, feelings, and behaviors about the worthiness of myself to keep attempting it.
Sky diving is only fun and cool if you know you have a working parachute.
If only I could ever feel sky blue…