At the end of everything
One second before history is history and there’s no more you and me
I’ll remember all of it
The good parts, the parts I fucked up, the parts that went well for everyone around me and me, the parts that made no fucking sense
they will all come back in full force simultaneously
and whatever the fuck is “me” will be released to run through them how I want to instead of chronologically like the first time
and if I can control time and pace and pace and time then I’ma choose a whole bunch of sections of spending time with you and looking at you firsthand and not in old photographs
not in old memories
and there’s no more you and me
but I won’t be looking at old videos but I’ll certainly check out
the first time I heard Prince and the first bite I ever had of dulce de leche icecream
and I’ll speed through everything that made me who I am, Benny Hill and Nikki Giovanni and Darth Vader
Mae West and Dorothy Parker and Chuck Palahniuk and Fiona Staples
Fucking Brandon Boyd loud in my right ear
Meeting Carrie Fisher
eating psych ward lime Jell-o
Seeing Michelangelo’s David in person
but then I’ll slow way the fuck down
When I get to you sleeping
When I get to dragging you across the living room
When I get to breathing your breath right before a kiss
And in that one second everything beautiful that I have ever seen
even poetry by William Ernest Henley
will come right back to me, full throttle, painfully melting every thing I used to be
releasing the final version of me
and there’s no more
but if I can control tempo
At the end of everything from my current point of view
I will have loved you
once and forever and always and guess what?
I grew flowers in my soul because of you.
None of it was in vain.
The pain was good too.