All of the Crowns Right Now

I shouldn’t be here
do you fucking understand that?
I mean people who look like me, related to me, same as me, have been denied, killed, slain, overlooked and oppressed not for years but centuries.
It’s a miracle alone that life even made it to me.
The math is I shouldn’t be here
and I felt it so deeply a couple of times that I tried to rush the process back to the great beyond where a thing like me is supposed to belong out of sight and out of mind and out of time; every door stays closed, nothing but a cliff at the end of every road, how I have kept going I can’t even pretend to know
I shouldn’t be here and my mother told me so

But I am.
With the odds laid out as they were its unfathomable with the stack towering over me
teetering but somehow never quite falling that I am still on this earth with enough energy left to write down the words
that
If I hadn’t met you I’d still be trying to.
Everything in my life brought me to the path where you and I crossed.
And without me here you would have been lost

so many times

I do not regret this life I do not deserve anymore
and this thing with you I cannot finish it.
None of it is really supposed to be so how could it be right or wrong that it exists?

It will finish itself.
I don’t have the right to end anything when I don’t even know what it is or who I am or what is meant to be. If I had the bead on that then I could explain me and as you can see
I’m just questions derived from the facts

I’m here by magic
so I’m just going to trust that to keep happening
whether you love me back or not.

I shouldn’t even be here baby-
maybe I survived for you.

Maybe you got lucky too.

 

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