You changed my life and so I hate you and thank you.
I only hate you because you wouldn’t let me do the same thing for you and that is selfish of me.
I know you’re not going to do what I want, you never do, and even if you did, you’d pretend to be miserable, or whatever I dunno, it’s irrelevant- but before it wasn’t all that expensive to give you exactly what you asked for just to have you throw it back in my face, but now, this, this is a lifestyle change you’ve agreed to that you have no intention of following through on and it would cost me thousands. You can break my heart all you want but to break my wallet, well that is just cruel.
Maybe I don’t know better but I can do better.
I know you said you would come in August 2020 but you also said I could have you for a month and even signed an agreement and didn’t do it. You told me to cage you and every time I did you came up with some reason or another blah blah blah you know, you were there. And I know you’re never leaving small-town Ohio, you’re big shit there I guess, even though you’re bored, you hate it, nobody cares for you enough, and you’ll never make any of your dreams come true if you stay there, other than getting some dumb ass broad pregnant and being even more stuck. Hey to each his own, the only way I could truly make you is to really hurt you and I won’t do that. It takes all of the pleasure out of the thing for me entirely, and I know that you are a completely selfish fuck and you couldn’t care less if I’m happy or not, granted, I’m just saying it is not worth it. I was willing to wait until you were 30 because the reality of the situation is at that point if you haven’t figured something else out, it is your own fault and you might as well let me love you, what would you have to lose you know? But you get all high and you say yes to things that you don’t mean to say yes to and then I go out and do all the things necessary to take care of you just to hear you tell me no for the billionth time. Its how it is going to go, its how it always goes. One of us has to be smarter than this, yes?
A new decade is starting though.
Believe it or not I have faith in you for no fucking reason.
I will always love you, you know that, its just how it works. I know you know, because you love somebody dumb who doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do them, so if anybody understands how I feel right now, you do. And as you are well aware, it hurts quite a bit. Maybe you’ve given up on love but I haven’t, not for you anyway. It absolutely is never gonna happen for me, but at least you in your youth, still have a chance. As much as I would love to take that hope away from you, so you could focus on other things, you’d regret it and I can’t afford you to. Ever since you’ve known me I’ve done everything I said I would so when I say I’m moving to Nevada because I’m happy there, you know its true. Because you are my addiction and my punishment from god.
I know, I know, I know…
Sure, every once and a while, I get stronger, I leave you alone, I feel better and I’m okay but then like addictions do it creeps back up on me and I’m in the same exact place I was even from 2000 miles away.
Waiting for something more concrete from you.
I can’t end it, as I’ve said I just don’t have the power but I can stop feeding it can’t I? I can’t have you, I’ve known that since 2017 and look at me, utter idiocy. This is what love turns people into fucking idiots. I wouldn’t wish a one sided version like this on my worst enemy, its awful. That too I know you understand. I change my number and then I call you, I delete you from my phone and then I message you, its really as crazy as it looks. I tell my family I’m done with you and then I bring your name up to see if they will yell at me about it. Ugly business. I dunno what to do besides blow my own head off to get it to stop and that’s not the answer either. Point is, yeah I know, its not real, its just my fantasy, you don’t mean it, you never did and I’m wasting time.
And stop saying I’m ridiculous I can hear you through the screen.
What I mean is I will stop extending. I’ll force myself somehow but I wanted to tell you Merry Christmas, just in case, I never get to speak to you again.