Trobairitz

Let’s review the facts first.
If you had come here when I asked you to
you wouldn’t have been able to leave
and not because you’d have been restrained to my bed
but because we’re in the middle of a global pandemic.
If you had said yes I could have come by to see you
when I was in your town last year
there’s no guarantee that we wouldn’t have celebrated an anniversary
of your sex slavery
at Mardi Gras a month ago and both been infected now with all sorts of diseases.
I’m stupid. I know.
You’ve told me you want me to have a good life without you
and I’ve told you the same thing
but every single time one or the other of us gets high
or feels lonely or gets drunk (or you simply aren’t getting your way
with whomever it is that you are actually pursuing)
we turn around and stare at each other over computer screens and flat out lie.
I’m a dirty part of your life.
You never say you miss me.
I’m just another addiction you have.
You never say you want to kiss me.
I’m just another thing you’re apathetic about.
And I want you mostly because I want what I can’t have
resist my presence harder
and your existentially empty vessel is a magnet
to the overbearing constant overflowing of my ass
I’ve made sacrifices in order to have you only for you to shut me down
and whenever I’m away from you
and you aren’t on my mind
the reality is my life is better all the way around…
Is yours?
Of course, it isn’t. But you’d never tell me directly
although yesterday you said you were “good” all-day
except for the fact that you jacked off earlier
and except for the fact that you messaged me.
I’m a bad thing. I’m sickening.
I wasn’t going to say a fucking word to you unless you said one to me first
and you did and you regret it and want to be punished for it and I’d slap you across the face if your face was anywhere near my hand
and then turn around and kiss the reddened welp ever so gently
Let’s evaluate the facts now, please.
Infections and distance
and age and color
and finances and belief systems
are keeping us away from one another
and our decisions are too- I left the state you live in because of not being able to have you
and yet I’m spending my free time on the internet talking to you
and worse yet, thinking of you when I should be asleep.
And you only ever want to see me nude
that’s not what a loved one would do
And then I thought why not send him the sexy photos talk dirty to him all night long
it is what he wants, it makes him happy, play along…
you are not hurting anybody…
he’s happy…
you’re NOT hurting anybody
is he happy?
you’re not HURTING anybody
he’s not happy, is he?
You’re not hurting ANYBODY
but yourself
and you don’t give a fuck about her feelings or what she needs
or you wouldn’t even know him
anymore…
I’m just something to do for you when you’re bored
less than a whore because you don’t pay me
and it makes me want to shoot myself in the face. That would hurt less.
Do we both say no when we really want to do something because we are a fucking mess?
Am I overthinking everything?
I’m a card game to you but to me, you’re a house by the sea…
because I want you to be.
And you don’t deserve it, no one does.
All I want to do is give you love, I want to vomit it into your mouth and all over your hands.
I want to shit love on your neck and eyes and plans but
You are using me so I should use you back right
We’ll ruin each other if we haven’t already and apparently
the universe wants us to be less inclined
and perhaps get off of each other’s minds
and go do something positive with our lives.
You’re the fantasy in my heart.
It hurts so much that you do me the way that you do but I love it too…
Or I’d force myself to stop.
The only pain that I will accept from anyone is pain from you.
The facts of the matter however stand.
I am not your woman and I never will be and you are not my man
or even my fucking friend
and it’s probably because I would give you absolutely everything your heart desires
and nobody wants it if it’s free
nobody wants it if it comes from me
I’m the bad thing.
and since it would only require a simple yes from you, you’ll never have any of it
Why would anyone just want to be with you, you’d say
and I feel dumb all over again
“When he tells you who he is believe him” echoes in my exploding head
I need to put my heart back into my chest
and stop sending you ass shots and body pics
because you’d rather we both die lonely, apart, and suffering.
And it’s probably for the best you stay away from me
maybe self-isolation is just the thing we need
to sober up and leave each other alone before the summer comes back through.
You’re stupid. That’s a fucking fact too.

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