The kind of god that dies

This ends with me speaking up for myself.

I’ll only make you miserable, sweetheart and that’s not what you really want anyway.
Why do you tease me?
I can’t seem to resist it yet but
everything you bring to my attention is simply another cost to me
any other way I can audition but first I gotta pay for your loyalty
that cannot be bought.
I did miss you. I had nothing to be mad about for an entire month without you.
The shit was weird.
If I wanted to I could get on a flight tonight to your town tomorrow, bring a stupid cage with your fucking name on it, that I carved into it with a fucking knife so your own name might cut you if you sit wrong, call you, find you, lock you up in it and leave you there, go visit my kid, and fly back home
IF. I. WANTED. TO.
But I want you to be happy. I can’t make that happen. All I can do is torture myself through you.
In any event, I’m glad you’re well, beautiful.
You’re my favorite song so please stay outta trouble if you can.
Just don’t cum in anyone, or do whatever you want I don’t care.
You’re just a whore anyway. A slut with no self-control, I thought for a while that you were, I dunno, better than that. I’m only saying mean things because I can’t slap you. I know you.
People with no self-control can’t be trusted. There is no alternative but to cage them one way or another. You prove to me that you ain’t shit all the time but of course it is better self-sabotage if I know and refuse to believe you, honey.
You dare me to lock you down and you never seem to think it through…
It’s okay, you’re just a man.
You’re uhm, Will Smith in that stupid movie where he is a piece of shit but he has to stay away from Charlize Theron or he fucking starts dying…
We both clearly need a Jason Bateman character to reign this shit in for us and to love me.
When I get closer to having you I feel myself turning darker, losing control, unleashing
It’s not safe baby I wish it was
You’re the most dangerous thing in the world to me.
My mind goes blank.
Its just instincts and emotions like a fucking animal.
If the devil is a thing baby you sear it right into my third eye and I can’t smell nothing but you, nothing else matters and I want to break your fucking back over my knee and then kiss you to sleep.
I know it’s not right. You know too.
It gets worse, all the people who help me have your name, all the street signs, and songs look and sound like you… and I just laugh now like a crazy person, thinking how is he fucking with me and he’s way over there!!!
Hos are powerful.
I see handcuffs and think of you. Sodas, mirrors, a noose. You cross my mind again.
My only child is 20 so what am I even fucking for?
I’m not trying to bring any more kids into the world, and cocks don’t even make me bust anymore all I need is an open mouth or a vibrator and three minutes. Sex isn’t even valuable to me, its not integral or necessary in my life in any way. Still, I talk to you for 2 seconds and I’m every spirit of Jezebel?!

WTF?
Every filthy thought I’ve had for nearly five years has had something to do with you.
You break my heart every single day that you waste not head over heels
in love
with some goofball who cooks for you and cleans up after you and pops out lil monsters that look just like you. That’s who will control you. I’m so jealous. She is who you really want and she is my enemy and I’d rather destroy her because only that will destroy you.
I know you say you don’t hate me but you would.
For the most part, I’ve been the one dragging this shit out, you’re my fever dream dear not vice versa.
I’ll only make you miserable, sweetheart and that’s not what you really want anyway.
Never be afraid to leave.