I can’t believe I am alive right now and I’m struggling with that and so many things that so many other beings before me probably struggled with too. I don’t know how we got here and yet I know implicitly, down deep into the scars carved out of my bones, I know and I don’t have to use words to describe it which makes it as deep as it is and is also proof thereof and therein. I’m tired, man. I’m tired of standing so close to fires with a grin on my face, tired of having to say please and thank you to people who spit, tired of wishing that the pyramids we all built looked better in person as they do in photographs and the easiest way to disarm a narcissist is to be one for a second, pretend nothing that is being said to you or that you are accused of matters or is even relevant and how come every time you want to win something for yourself there has to be another to beat?

When I was a girl my mother would stomp through our apartment yelling at everyone about anything just to hear the sound of her voice bellowing. Made her feel important to scream and shout at us and at the walls and at the windows but as soon as the phone rang, since back then you didn’t know who it was, she would pick up that phone with the sweetest kindest female voice you’ve ever heard. It was as thick as syrup. In an instant. A flip was switched, where it is more fun to con a new one then to beat up the ones you have.

my ex hit me up the other day and I was so excited and then terrified as I do- I’m thinking what do you want from me or better yet what can I do for you? Since I’ve been home because there is disease all over the globe every dude I know that ever wanted me on some level has made it known we need to communicate once again. And this is cool, if we’re just being friends but all of them wanted something more from me and this is pissing me off because I’m terrible at relationships, its something I’m learning through the therapy that I am irrational, I move too quickly, get in and get deep in a minute and then regret it because I wasn’t even thinking okay and that’s crazy right but if I was the bad one, if the problem was actually me, then why are these motherfuckers back in my phone? Do they know something I don’t know?

My son tried an experiment a day ago he said was for science. My nephew called him and was so frustrated because my mother ( his grandmother) his mother and his great aunt had been yelling and screaming at each other for hours and it was really dragging him down. When he called my son could hear them all yelling at each other over the line, saying the most hurtful vile things and he told my nephew, you can come over here for the weekend to get away from all of that if you want to but I’ll handle it. Go back inside I’ma get grandma to stop yelling. Watch.

He called her on the other line and my nephew heard her and watched her let out her final lament, look at her phone, see that it was my son, a smile broke out over her face and she answered with such glee and joy and hope he was stunned to see it, disgusted and saddened.

my son explained to my nephew later that my mom wasn’t a visit grandma, she was a phone conversation grandma.

So I said to my ex the following at 7 am this morning because I couldn’t sleep although I had resisted the entire evening of saying anything by the time the sun came up it was burning so bright in the back of my neck I had to get it out.

I hope he understands…

You know I’m a tiny bit crazy and I tend to react by jumping to conclusions but very rarely am I ever wrong. Regardless for a couple of months I’m stuck in a lease in this shitty apt. It’s fine, there’s no one in it but me. What is not going to happen is anybody is going to come in here and start demanding attention and comforts for free based on nostalgia. How we left our relationship was trash every time. And you’ve admitted every time that you did not have good intentions for me and was just using me. Yes, you’ve done nice things that should have been constituted as love but I bet all of the money in the world if shit was better for you, you would not be in my phone. Don’t lie. When you were giving away cars did you call me? Making fancy dinners for celebrities did you wish we were together? No. So don’t try to bullshit me or use me. Do I care about you? Yes. Would I let you stay here for a couple of days while you figure out what you want to do next? Sure. It’s a pandemic. Initially Jen told me if you made your way to CA and you had some place to stay etc then should I consider things again. Of course you want to skip all the steps because that’s just how you are. I’m not going through all this therapy shit to get a dude I’m doing it to love myself. I’m not thin, I’m not young, I’m not rich and I absolutely drink as often as possible. I’m not ever going to be tricked into codependency by you or anyone ever again. I want to trust you but you aren’t giving me a lot of time. When people act eager I get nervous. Although we think we love each other we might because we’ve been apart. I need absolute honesty at all times and I don’t need any users or secret enemies in my circle. Okay? As much as we can slow this process down, we should. If it’s real and right there is no urgency. What do you think?

we’ll see what happens next here too…

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