We were not whole, healthy, responsible people then and the relationship was not based on mutual respect or love.
I have mistreated myself, drank and smoked too much, ignored my own better nature, assumed people had my best interest at heart, and made terrible decisions for myself and others out of insecurity and selfishness my whole life. I had excuses for it before but I have none now.
I am not where I want to be and not in a place emotionally or physically or spiritually to have a long term monogamous relationship with anyone who is not already whole, happy, healthy, productive with a full life that they enjoy on their own without me.
That is important to me and I will not settle again for anything other or less than.
The only person on the planet that I am responsible for being an example to the outside of myself is my son and every parent should be doing everything they can to ensure that their seeds grow up on this dangerous planet feeling respected, loved, and cherished. Everything other than that should be put toward personal growth for themselves, financial stability and security, peace of mind and then, and only then, love that they can share with another whole, happy, healthy individual.
I should realize when I am being manipulated because when it is happening A) the person is only concerned for the betterment and wellbeing of themselves as they take something from me to get that B) they try to make me feel guilty for my emotions, use the illnesses that I am working on against me, and try to trick me by telling me how important I am to them, instead of doing the right thing for me.
I should not have been stooping to find love for tomorrow in yesterday.
Thank you for everything that you have ever done for me when you were my boyfriend, I appreciated it then and I appreciate it now. I would prefer you do not continue to email me or to pretend that we are friends or in a relationship at present as it is not a healthy or responsible way for either of us to behave going forward. We each should be thinking we have much more important things to work on and worrying about and adding the other to that mix is not only selfish but childish.
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