The Pesticide in Pathetic Persistence

I wish you peace and happiness in your every endeavor.

The moment in time that we have had together in this life has passed.

We were not whole, healthy, responsible people then and the relationship was not based on mutual respect or love.

It was based on the fact that we like the same music.

Although this is a nice foundational brick to build a friendship on, it is nothing more than that, or I would be married to Michael Einziger.
I have mistreated myself, drank and smoked too much, ignored my own better nature, assumed people had my best interest at heart, and made terrible decisions for myself and others out of insecurity and selfishness my whole life. I had excuses for it before but I have none now.

For that in regards to you, I apologize.

I am not where I want to be and not in a place emotionally or physically or spiritually to have a long term monogamous relationship with anyone who is not already whole, happy, healthy, productive with a full life that they enjoy on their own without me.
That is important to me and I will not settle again for anything other or less than.
The only person on the planet that I am responsible for being an example to the outside of myself is my son and every parent should be doing everything they can to ensure that their seeds grow up on this dangerous planet feeling respected, loved, and cherished. Everything other than that should be put toward personal growth for themselves, financial stability and security, peace of mind and then, and only then, love that they can share with another whole, happy, healthy individual.

That is my opinion of course and that is how I want to live my life going forward, and nothing in my past will get me there.

The connections that I have with people who love me are real ones, and I know because they don’t ever tell me that I need them in their lives, that dating me is a part of their personality, that we will grow because we are together or anything of the sort. They know that I am strong, determined and that with or without them, I will do better because I know better, even if I fall down sometimes and their purpose in my life is to be a good example and lift me up.

I should not have fallen for your tricks of reaching out to me on my blog post.

I should have realized that if your life was good and you had money and a stable home and were making profitable music that you would not have reached out to me.
I should realize when I am being manipulated because when it is happening A) the person is only concerned for the betterment and wellbeing of themselves as they take something from me to get that B) they try to make me feel guilty for my emotions, use the illnesses that I am working on against me, and try to trick me by telling me how important I am to them, instead of doing the right thing for me.
I should not have been stooping to find love for tomorrow in yesterday.

Thank you for everything that you have ever done for me when you were my boyfriend, I appreciated it then and I appreciate it now. I would prefer you do not continue to email me or to pretend that we are friends or in a relationship at present as it is not a healthy or responsible way for either of us to behave going forward. We each should be thinking we have much more important things to work on and worrying about and adding the other to that mix is not only selfish but childish.

What I would like when it comes to us, and I hope you genuinely find a way to respect it, is that we both accept that we had a moment in time together, we learned from it what to do when we meet another great love if we are lucky enough and we wish each other well as we move through this world into our separate stronger smarter future selves.

Think of a rose growing on a rose bush. As soon as you cut it off the bush and put it into the vase, you have killed it. You will never know how it would have grown in nature in the rain and in the sun and what other creatures could have been nurtured by it. And even if that rose bush gets blown away by the wind or burned by fire it is not YOUR HAND that brought about its death. It died naturally in all of its glory. When you love something you can admire it from afar and want to see it grow but you certainly do not want to watch it die because you think it is solely beautiful to you and its existence is the only thing that makes you better. There is nothing in my view more selfish and inconsiderate.

I’m glad I met you. Glad to know you. I wish you the most luck always across the ether but it is best if we move on from one another and for me personally, for now, it is also best that I stop looking for love outside of myself.

Be safe.