I genuinely don’t like being out of commission for an entire day anymore
in all sorts of versions and levels of recovery after using someone else up
which is why I’m drinking less and only smoke therapeutic weed strains
because I want the people I surround myself with to be uplifting to me too
so no more slaves
Because carrying for slaves actually is more work than it’s worth
and if he is not enough man for me for serious dating all I’m doing is just seeing how quickly
I can recover from him physically and mentally like they are different things
when it starts feeling stupid or trife or idiotic or crazy to keep going- see,
a serious partner would have to be secure enough to be able to calmly tell me no
not gaslight me or ghost me or try to abuse my kindness when the shit I’m doing to keep them
or impress them is incorrect or wrong or selfish or wack or lame or tired or dumb
If he doesn’t even have that level of power over me or his dick why waste the energy?
Why continue on that path, get exhausted all over again, and back in recovery?
I’d have that motherfucker butt naked on a street corner and what kind of partnership is that?
no more slaves, right off the bat
Even if they beg and say this is the way they want things between us to be
I learned how to do that shit to people to protect myself but in reality
it’s not loving or sustainable it’s a game. Playing it means we don’t genuinely respect one another
or want to grow. I know, I know everybody thinks is so taboo and sensual and cute
but it’s one thing to role play in sex but it’s a whole other thing when I have to take care and punish you
in all aspects of the connection- that’s me being insecure not me being a loving partner. Y’all do what y’all can
but I’ma do what I want and I’m tired of waking up and needing a whole ass day to reset and start from scratch
I’m tired of fucking with people who are not a match and having to lift them from their knees
I’m tired of repetitive stints and bouts and relapses back into physical and mental recoveries
Now is just not the moment for it and I gotta stop resting on the fact that I can do it
and even more so stay the fuck away from people who will let me treat them disrespectfully
If it’s love that should not cross either of our minds; slavery is out of vogue and
the physical recovery and mental recovery ain’t separate tasks at all
and as easy as it would be to shoot another dose of that boy into me now
to absolutely become a puppeteer for this man with his agreement
that it’s not what I want to spend my time doing, that is not evidence of me growing
that’s a lazy person with mommy issues and low self-esteem letting someone else be responsible
for getting the both of them off. Man, ya’ll do what y’all can and I’ma do what I want
which is to move forward and stop dragging worthless ass slaves AKA human pets along…
Fuck outta here punk ass puppy dog, I’ma just feed myself from now on.