At 19 days before my 45th birthday

I’ma just be some variation on the theme for the next twenty years probably
I’m weary today, sure, but less worried about being worn out
Calm people look happiest to me now, of anyone on the planet,
they are who I am jealous of
I’ll worry about getting new friends if the ones I have die long before me
I was good enough then and didn’t know it and I’m better than even that now
Death puts a glow on ya the closer it gets
The life of a hobo doesn’t seem like the wrong path much these days
Glad I can see them it’s a whole new world view
As an abandoned person I have done my level best to never be alone
but now I know that obstacle was the obstacle
If I never learned to love and accept myself, which I’m still working on mind you
then there was no real way for me to see beauty, feel gratitude, share unselfishly
I couldn’t get to the good bits otherwise
So I accept the fact that I’ma just be some variation on the theme for the next twenty years under the moon and the stars probably if fortune don’t fuck with me and change the stakes drastically and sure, I’m tired as fuck but I’m less tempted to take my tragedies as endings
Its never over as long as I can sit up and look forward
Relaxed people are the kind I wish that I was and now strive to be
For the first time since I’ve been on the waterball I’m actually 85% okay with just being me
Glad I made it this far I didn’t ever expect to
Real gold can’t fill up your pockets, real gold is all in your head
Loving yourself instead of waiting for someone else to approve
when you can go sit by the sea and let the gulls sing to you

 

2 thoughts on “At 19 days before my 45th birthday

  1. A wise poem, thank you for this. I also feel a lot better being me the older I get. I wouldn’t trade all I’ve learnt about myself and others for a bit of youth.
    A very happy pre-birthday to you!

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