For the record I realize that I was the one who was wrong. I started this this time and I keep restarting it over and over and I’ve started it a million times in the past four or five years. Usually we get to a point in our game where I say no this is bad and he says live a little, c’mon. But it is worth noting that he started it first originally. This time it had been only a week since we had both decided for the billionth time that we were calling it quits. My asks are never honored with him. Actually, I had decided this. I always decide this. It’s a part of the cycle. What I do is realize after I have had my fun with my lust that I am completely hormonal I am reaching out to him because he is my favorite person and I do suffer from borderline personality disorder or emotional dysregulation and every single time I pull up emotions that I don’t know how to process I’m feeling empty and unloved I reach out to my favorite person who basically controls my moods and ideas and thoughts and I can become what they think I am or at least feel valuable in somebody’s eyes for a little while. My time is always wasted with him. That’s why it has been him for the past four or five years that I’ve done this to. He likes to diminish my value to my face because I’m asked to abide by his immoral and unreasonable demands whenever the whim hits him and because I know this clearly, I’ve volunteered myself as tribute.
I did tell him this time that I do not value him, and I do not see him as an equal and it wasn’t a way to insult him it was just fact. Once my cycle has ended and my hormones are back in a comfort zone for me that I can regulate (sort of) I feel bad about talking to him or seeing him, I feel bad about being me and consistently doing this over and over and I drop his ass off the edge of my mind (remembering to put a pillow down for him to land on) and lock him in a cupboard of who gives a fuck for another 28 days. I think when he sent the crying laughing face emoji this time, when he never uses emoji’s, my mind went haywire. Usually we get to a point in this torrid little play where he tells me to humiliate him, to feminize him, to cage his cock for a month and then decide what we should do next. Every time we do anything, he always wants more and more than the last time. More abuse, more time, more disrespect harder and longer and faster. This time I was doing an excellent job of controlling him in the way that he likes to be controlled. Funny, my sister just asked me is this relationship abusive a few days before all this and I had to admit that it was. I receive literally nothing from him, at all. Although I’m the one threatening him with violence it is by his request and when I am done, I am just as empty and stupid as I was before it. I’m not stupid, I just do this, and it feels outside of my control most of the time, but I am working on it, failing but trying. I told him unprovoked that I could not come visit his town as my family would be very upset. He loved knowing this and felt special and I knew he would because he is a narcissist and even though we hadn’t spoken since my last cycle, I’m a great source of supply because it never ends for him, I am over abundant in the traits he requires, which is being a sexual dominant. He has consistently begged me to stay every time in these scenarios and then I’m ignored. And his begging is so subtle it almost seems like he is not doing it to the uninitiated. He likes to manipulate me and then threaten me with being cut off from him like that is the worst thing in the world that could ever fucking happen to me and it’s so condescending that every inkling of it that I feel I use as my excuse to assault him in any way possible. He likes this. The fact that I can control him from 2000 miles away was impressing him, he commented that I’ve been learning while we have been apart, and I didn’t acknowledge him saying so and went right back to making him refer to me as daddy. I am always doing all the work in this relationship if that is what you want to call it and although I don’t always initiate, the past two times it was me. This time he said he didn’t want to project his fantasies onto me and I said you’re a fucking liar and he commenced to doing so. Lately I’ve been mistaken according to him way more often than ever. I’m never fucking mistaken. It made me so angry that I wanted to stab him with something sharp and scream am I imagining this also, bitch?
Over the course of about 2 days I was so into being in charge that I threatened to kill him and myself mostly because he was being disobedient and although at the fucking time that I said it I meant it and it was terrifying, I realize now that I just thought that was the next realistic step to make in scaring his dick hard. I said I would tell everyone he loved and respected that he was my bitch and this threw him for a loop and he said to me well I simply cannot have you telling everyone about this and us so I guess I have to do whatever you say. It worked and didn’t work. I heard what he said but underneath it I heard you are not good enough for me to let anybody know that I do this with you, I have a whole fake persona that I use to get my supply and Jesus is involved and certainly no black people so this has to be our secret, you’re my dirty little secret and we are going to keep it that way. It worked right up until he reminded me who he was and started talking about what would your therapist think about all of this? He uses my faults to admonish me while at the same time my overabundance of care is expected. This pissed me off to the highest levels of pissivity and I haven’t been that mad in a long time and it really did feel kinda good and exciting. He would let me make him eat dog shit, he would let me put him in a dress and heels and peg him, he would let me piss on his face, force him to eat my ass after a workout and even restrain and gag him underneath a bed while I fucked a whole other person on top. But what he would not do, is let anyone know about us.
He likes to mislead me and then purposely misunderstand me. And this was the whole con see, he knows I will go above and beyond to get the chance to do sadistic things and that I genuinely don’t give a fuck who knows, it doesn’t matter, we’re all gonna die, yadayada and I look good in the situation because I’m “crazy”, I’m suicidal, I’m the one who got his signature on the contract that allows me to do this, I’m the one who keeps all his screenshots of consent and videos proclaiming my dominance over him and how much he loves me so that if he ever tried to say some day that I’m making the shit up there is tons of proof. Proof he decided, strictly because and I know this in my heart, I was controlling him too much, messing with too much of his time with other women, especially the high class country club type who only fuck missionary and probably are missionaries in their spare time, that want to pop out his probably Danish looking pups and look down their noses at people who don’t recycle or don’t love Jesus. And throughout all of this I’m the big bad guy.
I know better. I’ve done this my whole life with somebody or another. I’m the puppetmaster pulling my own strings and basically, slicing my wrists using a whole ass other human being. I’m the rogue and at the same time taunted and provoked like an ogre stomping into some provincial town. So to get out of it or to at least remind me that this is an abusive relationship and although I’m playing the dominant role in our scenes I’m not the dominant one at all, he has planned this out well based on what he knows of me and being an empty shell of a human at his core, he becomes suddenly disengaged and uninterested and aloof. Now of course, I’m super sensitive to the change. The fact that the responses were taking longer and becoming shorter and he was questioning my motives and techniques…Insulting me with compliments like I can’t see through those. Now I know in normal situations I can catastrophize but I am always right with however I feel with him you see because he isn’t a secure sane person either really and his charm only works on people who aren’t also like him in the sense that I’m not balanced either. He says I’m impatient. He just uses me and lies to me and I try to pretend I want it because sure, who doesn’t want to call a pretty young white guy a trashy slutty piece of shit?
In our play dynamic I cannot let him get away with slights. I tell him that he is a loser bitch because he is and I mean it but I also know this continues the play and not once does he ever balk at that. We don’t talk all month every month until my hormones are out of wack and no matter how many times I call him a shriveled dick dirty little punk ass whore, and hang up, I can call him back in a month and pick up right where we left off because it’s a game for him but not for me. It’s a lifestyle for me- turn me on and turn me off so I can throw you away and forget I did that and love you again and discard again on a loop forever. He’s angry that I demanded he call me, which he conceded to and then when he did not call I berated him per our routine. Everything is always so open ended with him and I am left to draw my own conclusions because the fact of the matter is I really am playing this fucked up game with myself. I had never demanded a call before. So in his defense he says he didn’t agree to that like I’m not looking at his agreement via text. He says he doesn’t like talking on the phone and I’m furious like but wait fuck have I ever actually seen him talking on his phone, ever? Is this motherfucker trying to gaslight me mid convo over SMS? The fuck? My mind is racing, so if I ever see this piece of shit talking into his fucking phone I’m slapping it out of his hand onto the floor and strangling the shit out of him and I know he would like this plan and its turning me on a lot. This is when I realized I would never win this battle, it had always been a set up and I was not going to be the victor here no matter what tactic I took, I was always the pawn, that I decided to finally let go. I know that I need something else, somebody else to replace him and I’ve neglected to do so and here I am again. So I wrote down on my calendar when I will be out of control hormonally so I can schedule an I love myself week to distract me from trying to reach him again. He likes to rewrite our history daily like I’m not fucking keeping complete and total track of all interactions at every level. I have actually blocked him from all of my devices although I do know I have his number written down somewhere (his pillow) but I am not about to spend the energy to ever search for it because how the fuck would I explain that shit to myself after this? I told him that I no longer wanted to continue this and therefore I will not be contacting him again so enjoy his life. Although he is the focus of both of our energies, I was the sex toy. I was on the outside of his real life the entire time and I knew and tried to get in desperately I really did and I can’t even explain why I wanted to so terribly it wasn’t going to make my mom love me or any of the other narcissists I keep trying to love or hurt or whatever it is I think that I am doing to them that I am clearly not doing except for in my own mind and heart. I bought myself a 40-inch Panda Bear so whenever I feel tempted to look for that number, I can just hug my panda instead, as a transitional object between Favorite People. I’ve tried to rationalize my interaction with this man for over 4 years and that really is a significant amount of time but not really since the last person I did this shit with it lasted a decade. My sister says to me why don’t you try being your own favorite person and I’ve never actually thought of that, so I am going to try it. He sent me a picture this week (mind you after I had sent him like 9 videos and 5 photos) and I compared his 26 year old face to his 22 year old face (since I have evidence of both) and I gotta say, looking at me from back then and me now and him from back then and him now, he looks dry, ashy, fat and sad around the eyes, like a 3 legged puppy in a thunderstorm. That helps quite a bit.