20 Dirty Band-Aids or More

He left the hat I think, I don’t even really remember now. I heard that people always leave things places where they want to return. I never gave it back to him and even teased him a lot that I had it. And it came with me from Ohio, to California. Why did I bring it? Did I think I would see him again, even though I partially moved here so I wouldn’t see him again?

I guess keeping the hat, was like I still had something to hold of his- like a flower in a book- it is not even an expensive hat, it’s nice but it is crazy because we are not going to be together, he knows that I know that, America knows that and yet, I still have the fucking hat.

I put so much of what I thought love was into him.
I even told him that he was the last person that I would ever feel that way about.
I guess I’m holding on to the hat…

…like I’m keeping that promise but, who am I really keeping that promise for? Or to? We don’t really love one another. Every body knows that.
But it is not like I don’t have a video. I mean I have one of him telling me he loves me so I don’t really need the fucking hat- and today, I’ma throw it away.
I’ma cry first, but I’ma do it.

I’ve been wanting to. I think me throwing it away is actually saying maybe I will love somebody else in the future, maybe I won’t but if I ever do meet somebody and we get close and they come here how will I explain this hat? Am I gonna start something potentially good off by lying? Or am I gonna have to explain and if I do, how do I make this new person feel now that I am ready for something new or better when I’m holding onto trinkets from someone in my past? Am I gonna move to another state with this damn hat? Why? Are you still holding a torch bitch for someone who wasn’t even a good match? And one day, you want that person that you never really even loved properly, back?

All Selfish.
It’s all of the things about him that make my life more comfortable or easier… that I am craving.
And that he is not the person to whom this hat originally belonged. He didn’t make my life better in the fucking slightest.

He’s easy on the eyes, a great listener, handy, confident and kind, comforting, calm, likes the same sort of entertainments and arts that I do, and can teach me things that I didn’t know about the world.
And he fits in my world view where the only vain thing with regards to others is the guy that I find truly desirable, people notice immediately and are slightly frightened of in an “I’m not challenging that guy” sort of way- or “omg, he’s so man.” and this too is for me because then I feel safe.
Still all Selfish.
And for someone who wasn’t even loyal?
And now I can’t even remember how I got the fucking hat or why I have held onto it and that fantasy man for so damn long.

I’m not even concerned with what I have to offer anyone, what love I have to give to someone, how I can make somebody else’s life go from good to great. So those ideas of making somebody fit into my tired old mold, and hanging onto him as a standard that others should live up to when clearly he and I didn’t actually make it as a couple in a real-world, doesn’t make a whole lotta sense. Why I pulled the hat out of the closet recently, I don’t even really remember now.
But it has to go. He’s gone already and long ago. What I need from a relationship is going to also now change and improve. What I have to give to one is going to need to become a thing because I’m officially not waiting any longer for a proper ghost.
My tears are hot but so be it.

My chest hurts right now thinking about throwing it into the trash, it feels like someone is squatting with their whole body weight on my heart but I’m throwing it out because I deserve to love myself, and move forward and keeping reminders of sentimental nonsense of chains and traps to the past that I chose to leave because it was hurting me doesn’t make me happy, healthy, strong or better than I was.

Sometimes it is okay to lose.

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