The Gravitational Attractiveness of Shadows

The man I like I dunno what to do with. And he’s in the same boat. We’re off again like some rats in cages gnawing our own legs off to save the other’s legs. Shit’s weird. On the strength of everything, some dude hit me up the other day from a couple of years back though. When I met him I thought I could make breakfast for this fool because of how he looked. His jaw was like one of those machines you use to make sure something else has perfect right angles under the softest flesh. His eyes were so blue there are no hexadecimal color codes for them yet and I could see my reflection in them like looking at a negative film filter. I knew it would never be real love because his lips weren’t quite right. They were a little too thin like he was constantly pursing them or something. The man I like though, his lips are perfect. Like, put them in a museum and let everybody come through in single file lines just to touch them, perfect. I overlooked this in homeboy because overall in the real world, we could look insanely crazy together and that’s fucking cool. Everyone would wonder what kind of pussy would it take to snag a leash around a neck like his. The man could have modeled for a statue. Worst case I’d have a great memory of a really hot guy that fucked me over. I knew these things right out of the gate. We met and hung out, he was a narcissist plain as day, which is the type of person I’m most comfortable trying to please anyway because they are never fucking pleased and I will never ever stop trying to, even when I’m eventually trying to murder us both. We partied all night did some semi-hard drugs and probably had lots and lots of sex but I can’t recall any of it. That’s terrible in my opinion because if I remembered nothing else I should have remembered if he was at least fuckable again or not. The man I like, his dick is so perfect, I don’t even want him to get to touch it. It’s too easy to remember the last time that I did and it actually was way back in 2018. I still watch the videos late at night at times. I never saw statue boy again after that one night and if I do recall, part of it was because while we were super high he talked a whole lot about all the other women that he can casually fuck at any time, even at the same time, without much prior notice, warning or relationship status. He said some other shit too like about being in extreme poverty like fairly recently and still dealing with that due to a breakup with the love of his life. It made me think of the man I like and I was hoping that whoever he was with at that moment was breaking his fucking heart into a million pieces so he’d call and apologize for whatever imagined slight I screamed at him about that got him to run from me again. Everything about us together is toxic but in one of those cute TV shows sort of ways, like will they or won’t they? It’s so dumb.
So I guess I never called sharp jaw and he didn’t call me either. I had forgotten how he fucked but apparently after 2 years or so he remembered how I did and hit me up.
I didn’t think much of it and even recalling his beautiful mug I just shook my head like this fool…
In his text, he said some shit about missing me and other nonsense and wanting to know if I could recollect how much “fun” we had the last time we were together. I miss the man I like so much and I can feel it when he misses me too. I never say anything to him when we’re not talking to one another but I feel like someone is pulling my arm from across the universe. There have been too many times over the past five years that one or the other of us would be thinking about the other one so much that it was overwhelming and had to break the silence to say it. It would come out stupid because it is like Hi at 3 in the afternoon or what are you doing at 4 AM. Then before you know it it is like we’re in the same room again and yet miles and miles apart physically and the other has to confess, I was just thinking about you. I feel this now, I’ve felt it for the past couple of days that we haven’t spoken slightly, but today it weighs a ton. My every thought is of him, what is he doing right now, what is he wearing, who is he lying to, why am I on his mind, the damned idiot. I love him so much I tell myself a lot.
So I responded to Mr. ForgetMyFuck, ” It’s been a while so I don’t remember a ton, party drugs, you having a bunch of favorite female lovers, that’s all I can recall honestly. Life’s been great, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, minding my business and being careful, cautious, and kind with myself.”
He goes, “Favorite female lovers? No. And happier than ever before, that’s great news, I like that. Can I come see you sometime?”

I let out the loudest of sighs. Poor baby.
So I lit a joint and sat down to text back.
I wrote, ” I was really interested in you when I met you before but as it turned out we weren’t looking for the same things then. We probably aren’t looking for the same things now either. That’s okay though, right? I’m sure if we are honest and patient the right one will cross our paths. I hope that for us both. So in other words, no, it is not a good idea for us to hang out in the future. But I’m glad you’re well and safe!”

I put a smiley face emoji.
I hit my joint and waited until I got confirmation that he had read it and before he could type me back I blocked him.

Two steps forward, one thousand steps back is my motto.
I couldn’t resist anymore.
I needed to text the man I like even though the last time I spoke to him I told him he wasn’t good enough for me. He isn’t but he got mad about it. I wasn’t going to be able to move my body to do another thing on the planet until I sent him a message. I wasn’t breathing anymore and I knew if I didn’t text him immediately I’d die any second.

I said, ” I’ve been on your mind all day. Fine. I’ve made my decision. No, you don’t deserve me, that’s clear. But I’m still never letting you go either. You belong to me. Oh well.”

He’s a narcissist too, obviously.
I wonder what the pretty guy replied back. He might have said some shit like he got his life together, has a million bucks, knew he had found the right girl when he met me, and needed to help me enjoy my newfound happiness with a big ass trip around the world. I’ll never know. I am ridiculous. I deleted the man I like’s contact info for the billionth time and the thread itself. I know you can’t own people. My breathing returned to normal.

Damn. He didn’t text back immediately this time. Fuck.

And now I get over it
while I wait for me to
get back to being kinder
to my dumb ass self again.

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