So I got up this morning with every intention of not smoking cigarettes anymore
because I figured that as long as I had smoked all the ones in the house and I wasn’t leaving the house to go get more then it would be pretty easy to wean myself off of them… the other thought I had was that because I had lots of weed and I had lots of access to pre rolled joints that kind of simulate cigarettes that I could just replace my cigarettes with those throughout the day no problem …
I’m wrong sometimes, I need to accept that.
I get up and I do my jumping jacks and I do my squats and I’m listening to my music and I would normally at that point make my coffee, sit down to edit my To Do List and smoke.
Now when I’m in other places or their cities you know I’m working or whatever and I can’t smoke a cigarette while I’m writing my To Do List and I’m drinking my coffee because that isn’t allowed in hotel rooms and it’s not like it’s a big deal for some reason then but it is a big deal when I’m home so my thought process was I’m just going to pretend that I was at one of the hotels that I used to frequent and get on with my day but needing to smoke something was hitting me pretty hard so I decided I could just hit a joint and then put it down and then do my To Do List and everything and I would be good.
I’m wrong more often than I am willing to admit I can see that clearly now.
Well I hit the joint and like a fool a few minutes later I realized I’d smoked like almost all of it and now, I’m super fucking high.
It’s like not quite 7 AM but I need to be functional in an hour.
My mind starts racing like, Oh my God I need to calm down how the fuck am I gonna calm down before I go to work when right now like I’m super stoned so then logically I was able to accept, okay bitch, today is not the day that you’re giving up nicotine we were going to have to do this again tomorrow because today you have to get a project done …today you’ve got to train a class… today you’ve got to get a whole installation prepared for next week! There’s a whole lot you gotta do today missy and you can’t be this high and get any of that done … I’m putting myself through all this drama when all I really wanted was a damn cigarette but the way my mind is set up I just do everything to the extreme.
I’m yelling at myself now after the incident is over, uh duh, it didn’t occur to you to try something else like put on the nicotine patches that you bought and not smoke weed to compensate, fool?
It’s all really funny though at the moment, I’m thinking isn’t there something else I can do, but I’m high and all I want to do is dance and watch cartoons and I’m laughing while I’m berating myself for being way too stoned way too early in the day.
Being shitty and giggly is a weird mood. I got halfway dressed like I normally do with the upper half looking responsible and then having on some like raggedy-ass basketball shorts and flip flops and walking around my apartment laughing at stupid shit already so I was like you are way faded and I’ve no options but to go around the corner right quick and get some smokes, come back, drink my coffee, calm the fuck down and get to work. The place is walking distance but not when I’ve probably only got minutes to get logged into my calls so because I’m a foolish person, I went outside to get into my car and two older ladies were outside by their porch smoking cigarettes and I’m stupid high and it smelled so good like you know you when go to a barbecue and you smell the steak or whatever flesh searing and get even more hungry than you were- that was what I was feeling. I literally wanted to beat them up and take a cigarette but I walked to my car and everything’s all foggy and wet and I can barely see and as I’m in the car I’m behind the wheel I’m thinking in my head Oh my God you are so high right now that you are nervous and paranoid that you might hit another vehicle you probably shouldn’t be driving but I start the car up and then I pulled back and I’m like my God is this even safe…. in the fogginess of the windows I can’t see shit at all but yet I’m still pulling off anyway with all the windows rolled down and the wipers going a thousand miles an hour to clear the windshield and like a person on drugs who should not be behind the wheel I’m driving through the complex very slowly with my heater up as high as possible at like 7 miles an hour and I’m yelling at me in my mind like what the hell are you doing just forget it, turn around, you do not need to go to an actual street where cars are moving, fool you are super high right now but I’m not listening to me.
I know all of this is very very wrong.
And yet… I got to the part of the complex where the sun is shining directly in my fucking face like I forgot for a second that morning in California means a big ass bright ass sun and when you’re outside you wear sunglasses well I’m so high that I walked out of the house thinking I don’t need my sunglasses do I, I’ll be right back and now I feel stranded because the windows are fogged and the sun is beaming hard and I turned right down the street where there’s nothing but sun and I’m driving toward it fully stoned like I’m ending all of this nonsense here on earth and I’m just thinking I’m just gonna go to heaven then, fuck it, I’m done with living ’cause if I can’t smoke cigarettes I’m gonna be a goner anyways trying to work on all these projects totally wasted- so I just keep driving towards the fucking sunlight like an asshole and then I get my mirrors together like I’m doing all these things that you would do in Drivers Ed when you’re about to take your driver’s test that’s how I feel right now while this is happening… I get out into the street I take a left and I feel cool, I’ve lived here for three years so even if I didn’t have my regular eyeglasses on I could still make it sober to the closest filling station where I could get cigarettes so I know that in this state of high like I still can- I mean, I’ve made it drunk so I know I shouldn’t know that I can make it drunk and high but I do know so…
this morning I was just kind of brave enough to see if I could again since there was no time to walk it and I couldn’t have stopped myself if I wanted to because I wanted to. I got to the store and a couple of other business ladies we’re coming in there fully dressed- they obviously have to go to an office while I’m looking Zoom ready at the top with filthy rachet shorts on at the bottom not giving any fucks and in my mind, this whole process has taken like 3 hours like I’ve been gone for too long but when I’m inside the guy recognizes me and he just pulled my order down and I pay for them and I’m leaving out and some man in a car in the parking lot rolls his window down to address me and I’m like FUCK I am too high to be having to talk to a human so he goes like hey you… good morning can I bum a cigarette and then I just busted out laughing
because he’s like ’cause I ain’t got my check yet
and I want to ask why the fuck are you at the filling station then, is somebody delivering your check to the goddamn gas station weirdo but I didn’t say anything, I knew I wasn’t even supposed to be smoking today and I’m out here doing deadly reckless shit, so I’m like sure absolutely here I and then as soon as he came around to the car I didn’t realize he had still been talking this whole time and saying goofy shit like girl, I appreciate it you know it is just out here in these streets or whatever he saying and I can’t stop laughing that I’m almost in tears and he goes well…
I’m irritated, I’m high, I look a hot ass mess, I’m not supposed to be outside, or driving high or smoking cigarettes but I made it here alive and nobody got hurt so I thought yes actually I can spare two and I said out loud so I will get home safe now because I’ve done a good deed.
My logic is wild.
I’m being generous like it’s a sacrifice to the travel gods to not let my fucked up high ass die on the way back to my place with my smokes.
He goes have a blessed day be safe alright and he’s walking away from me like I’m insane and then I got in my car, drove home and pull into my parking space and I look out the window and the same 2 ladies there are out there still smoking I’m like damn they been smoking for like 100 years I feel ya I’m going to have smoke too and then I got the house and I’m just cracking up about how I’m very very lucky and I’m stupid but then I’m panicked like, I gotta get on to my virtual call now and I’m STILL MAD HIGH and I look down at my phone to see how late I fucking am
and all of this took like
This whole time I think I’m rushing around and thinking it took forever to get cigarettes, but it almost took me longer to write this down than it did for all of it to occur. I need to work on a few things. I got some coffee in me and nicotine and wrote all this down because I had plenty of time before work to say to myself you were lucky this time bitch but you might not always be and you have got to get a handle on yourself, immediately.
Like, try not being a completely self-absorbed savage reckless useless dick anymore oh and you really need to quit smoking too. Fuck my life.