So I’m just gonna record what I’m feeling and see where the conversation takes me who knows maybe it’ll be something that I can post and turn into art and share it with the world maybe somebody else who may understand the feelings will help me to feel a little less alone with it and I don’t know if that helps anybody but I guess being alone with it is the struggle anyway so as I sit here and things are relatively good like I would say on a scale of 1 to 100- a hundred being the most absolute perfect version of what my life could be in my own eyes really right now, I’d give my life a 75 or a 76 and I know in school that is not a good grade but I could be in a whole lot more pain I could have a whole lot less money than I need to just get by for the day and even if you think you have everything, you can be uncomfortable surrounded by people that are not only not the kind of motherfuckers that you want to be with but you could be engaged with people who are rude to you and cause you pain and that has to be factored in and fortunately for me that is not my situation at the moment.
You could be really really ill or blind or like there’s like a nightmarish hellish landscape of shit going wrong with you right now and in a lot of ways I have survived some similar situations thankfully so it’s not perfect but it isn’t bad either- so I was listening to one of the stoic dudes you know talking about how to wake up in the morning and be great for the day and all that and it reminded me, well, one of them saying something about what I was just discussing in my own head about how much worse my life could be and I had a point to bring that up but I don’t know what it is now but becoming myself and talking to me about it out loud like I’m my own therapist or whatever is because I seem to want to do different in front of other people and I think part of wanting to do that is getting validation for my feelings but also validating my existence too making it seem like I deserve to be on earth because there’s another person looking and listening to me and or whatever and it’s usually some sort of as Tami Roman would say “entanglerangement” where I’m basically paying the person for their company with some sort of entertainment I’m either letting them share this peaceful place in space and allowing them to be in my face or I’m hosting the food and the drinks and whatever since I ain’t going to meet no motherfucking body nowhere out here and it occurs to me that they were just as desperate because they usually spend the entire time talking about themselves like I do. The broken fucking over the broken I guess. Why do I keep doing that?
So every now and again I’m not super busy with work or super busy being a mom or super busy being a sorority sister and friend and whatever and I’m by myself and it’s just me and me on me I feel lazy. I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I feel like I should be running around trying to do stuff and like I’m wasting time and what can I do do more of now do do do do do and then I feel like OK well but let’s just be real honest you aren’t really passionate about much more than writing and music and all that shit is why like your whole existence which is 70 some odd percent out of 100 is designed on what you wanted to be… you wanted to be able to live in a place by your motherfucking self, wanted to be able to listen to your rock music as loud as you want to listen to it you wanted to be able to… you know…consistently maintain a blog and a Twitter page where you’re just getting your voice out and you’ve even got a couple of YouTube videos that are on the Internet and you just like the environment you have created for the most part, you have food you have something to drink, something to smoke you have a relatively clean environment, you’ve got a bed that you never sleep in but you can get coffee, there’s fresh water and paper towels and you own fun costumes, I’ve got a play sword and something to smoke and a karaoke microphone and LED lights and I can have a whole ass party by myself with popcorn and a big enough screen TV so I’m not lacking any of the things at all really-any of the material things that I thought that I wanted (I mean there’s a couple of things in this place that I don’t particularly care for but that is life and it is not intolerable) so if I’m idle for a second why do I hate myself suddenly?
And I’m in a position where if I wanted to move I could so that’s good that’s perfect that’s exactly what I want I want to keep going in that direction but then there is a part and I don’t even really wanna say it’s loneliness I almost want to say it’s the lack of audience because I’m not lonely I’ve enjoyed myself and if I want to I can eat apple pie for breakfast if that’s what I feel like eating and not having to wear makeup or bra ever yeah I’m good on that I’m enjoying that fully I guess it’s the trappings it’s probably the visual representation on commercials and on the Internet everyone just acting like they love being around their fucking family so much and ooh look how I love all these people they just wanna be social and hang out with everybody and all that and I feel like maybe I’m missing out on something because that’s not something that I genuinely wanna do even on my best days if I had all of the money in the world maybe one person would be cool, maybe two like my kid and maybe my dude right so when I’m thinking about it I’m like alright well maybe I should just find that dude because that’s I guess as far as relationships go that’s really the only kind of one I don’t have, I got coworkers they cool cool cool I got sisters and sorority sisters like you know what other kind of relationship is there for me to have except for the one that I can’t ever seem to have and so I don’t know if that’s a thought loop or what …why… because otherwise like realistically when I meet this person or a potential person who could be my person like you know two hours into knowing them I’m like OK I hate you and you’re in my personal space get out of it so like I make it so that I am in the situation that I am in now… I’m by myself I don’t make it very easy or comfortable for very long for anybody around me and I’m not mad about that genuinely I’m not but I feel like I’m supposed to be mad about it ’cause they say we’re supposed to be with other people and be vulnerable and all that and now you know I have tried that…I have acted…I have done my best performances in that space and then every once in a while I just kind of feel like I want …I want me to want me to want to perform again. I want to force someone to ignore me again…
There must be someone who is just trying to avoid me at all costs in my life or I don’t feel whole for some fucking reason. There must be a favorite person to lean and love on who can’t stand me and let’s me know this by their disapproving aversion. It’s sick and tiring. And feel like I’m worse because they exist solely to remind me that I do too, I ruin everything including their lives by being here but it’s proof that I am here. I’m trying to not want this, I’ve got the cinema, I’ve got my tunes and I make it a point to text my people my actual real people when I feel it I’m having a good time by myself I’m really good, man and there’s no germs OK like with my vibrators any germs are mine and they can be washed off like my level of clean so when I’m feeling like I’m not measuring up what things am I actually craving? I’m craving somebody to ignore or to be ignored by. A second person is some sort of validation like I said at the start, it’s like some sort of way for me to say to myself that I deserve to exist even if the way that I’m getting acknowledged is by not being acknowledged at all by a specific human.
So the only day that I have to worry about is today. The only one that I can live is this one. And on this one I would not like to spend it explaining to a bunch of ugly people why I don’t want to fuck them. I don’t wanna spend it explaining to people who refuse to read why books are great, I don’t want to spend it with a bunch of really young dudes who know that I’m at cougar age or whatever and who are trying to use me as a practice cum dumpster whatever for a little while because they feel like I’m fucking desperate when I’m not… using me is stupid especially when I have a zip drive of some of the finest dudes that ever walked this here planet naked and some of them wearing my clothes after I fucked their faces off. I can do whoever I want to do- the big problem is after a couple of hours in their presence I do end up feeling obligated I’m like OK so are we fucking or what and what kind of relationship is that? What kind of monster am I?
Are we friends? Are we hanging out because you want to fuck me or what? Am I uncomfortable in my mind or uncomfortable in my body? I don’t want to spend an evening of my one day to worry about worrying about this shit either.
But I need to know…It’s not in my mind it’s not a question in my mind its a question that’s coming from my body and I feel it’s coming from my chest actually like where behind your throat just supposed to be something that’s leaking down to a heart that’s where I’m actually feeling it and so I think I had written down somewhere yeah hang on where it’s coming from inside helps determine what it is so if it was just a thought then that’s the insecurity side but if it’s coming from your body then that can be intuition- maybe I’m having an intuition that I need to be around somebody I don’t know let’s see… is it triggered by the present or the triggered by the past…well I’m really not thinking about the past- I mean other than the fact that I was just explaining what happened in situations where I extended myself… maybe I’m just insecure-it’s not about my present, like I said my present is pretty good- is it about others or about me- It’s about me…
It’s about me.
Ugh. Me again. It’s about me thinking that I’m not good enough in some way and I need to find somebody to make me feel good enough…about me, that is certainly not about others- my descriptions of those dudes that I dealt with that I don’t want to deal with today, that was intuition but this is about myself.
Am I lovable? Why are you not in a relationship? Well you’re nosy aren’t you bitch? Is it fight or flight? Is it curiosity? I feel it in my chest, but it is insecurity- is there something wrong with me because I’m cool being alone, or am I fighting myself because I’m not letting myself do impulsive shit for one day? Is it a low grumble or Is it a big wave? Yeah, as soon as I jack off I won’t care about it for a while so maybe next time when I’m feeling those thoughts and I’ve been talking to myself here for a while now, I can let it go by and not dwell- I don’t know if there is something else wrong with me, like since I’m not being like everyone else and being vulnerable and making a relationship work with some dude, should I really immediately reach out to some man just to have a conversation with somebody so other people outside of the two of us can feel like I’m normal, like them? Who gives a fuck? How could this possibly help anyone? If you feel like this at all, I do too. I’m sorry for you like I’m sorry for me. And saying it all is helping me honestly, to let my wild meandering thoughts just exist. Like I just exist. 76 is pretty damn good where any life is concerned and I need to be okay with me being okay with me being myself. As soon as I cum and shut the fuck up, I can just put those thoughts of lack and worry and insecurity into my fucking mental wood chipper, uhm…and let those stupid fuckers spray out onto a soft fluffy pink cloud in my mental imaginary sky and let that pink cloud of nonsense fly into the fucking sun.
I’m okay, I really am…