Cat Vampire Lady

An average 10 minutes in my mind goes like this:

4:40 PM PST ” I am the dumbest most self absorbed human being on the face of the planet. Why do I keep waking up?”
4:41 PM PST ” Why do I think anyone who doesn’t have BPD wants to understand what it is like to have it? They don’t care. They shouldn’t. Who am I to them or to anyone? I should just write and stop thinking about myself all the fucking time.”
4:42 PM PST ” I wish my son would text me back so I could have something to do besides yell at myself…because if I keep yelling at myself I’m going to get on my fucking nerves and then probably try to distract myself and there’s nothing fucking interesting in this room to me right now.”
4:43 PM PST “Yes, He called instead. Good. Now I can talk. Don’t talk about yourself fool. Don’t talk about yourself! Nobody wants to hear about how you remember something similar when you were young. Nobody wants to hear a bridge of a song that has the exact same 8 words in the same order that they just spoke. Nobody has time for you to be sad or lonely or weird, and even if they did nobody wants to hear that. Talk about what he is actually saying to you right now. Does he notice that I am going to have to ask him to repeat all of this? I’m a terrible human being.”
4:44 PM PST “I’ve already told a fucking story about my own work when he wanted to talk about some ways to move. He wants me to be a sounding board and I’ve already told 2 jokes about myself and damn I hate me so much right now. I should be listening instead of typing what I’m thinking while I should be listening But I’m trying to make this as accurate as possible and this is what is happening right now. I want him to move with me so I can be normal again but I also 100% do not want that.”
4:45 PM PST “I’m his back up if things don’t go well with his move. Cool. But now I’m also mad terrified. Shit. I have to be normal again. But that could be good…”
4:46 PM PST “His store did well. Yay. I get to congratulate him. Ooh I should buy him something.”
4:47 PM PST “I interrupted him to tell him I think he’s dope. I hope he’s not mad.”
4:48 PM PST “I’m so lucky to be a mom. I’m so glad my child is a decent human. I should be grateful. I am grateful I can feel the tears coming. I”m glad he isn’t here to see me blubbering.”
4:49 PM PST “I want to offer money, just throw money at his problems but I know that isn’t right, I have to think this through and listen, maybe I should try listening…”
4:50 PM PST “I’m okay he’s okay, we’re okay…”

2 thoughts on “Cat Vampire Lady

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