Hearing that forgiveness work, for myself, is an emotional regulation process actually blew my mind- I never even considered it. I cry when I talk about myself, because I haven’t been able to handle me and I really don’t think overall I have a serious sexual compulsion.
I live a camel’s life for the most part these days and really don’t seek out companionship in that way at all very much anymore- I was married once and don’t see me needing to do that again, my child is grown and I have no intention of having any additional children and quite frankly if I had to choose between a good slice of cheesecake and sleeping with someone, cheesecake would win 9 of 10 times.
It is absolutely a control thing.
When I am spiraling, completely out of my depths, overwhelmed to boot and stressed I actually get control back first by finding a whole lot of alcohol to drink. Once my inhibitions are down and I let my unforgiven impulses dictate my actions, then I look for someone to perform for; when I find the right candidate ( someone I know I can control with sex) I actually make them sit down and listen to me ramble on for hours, or sing to them, or do most of the things I have been forced to do im my interpersonal relationships with others.
After about 4-6 hours of tolerating my shenanigans
I start to feel obligated about the sex part;
I know they aren’t here because they care about me
and really want to see my one woman performance of the Sound of Music
so it is like a payment
for letting me use them that evening, to be honest.
Of course the next day, I don’t need that person anymore, for anything, I genuinely have invested nothing and don’t want to see them or talk to them ever again and it tends to cause more issues, which again, I never forgive myself for, and on and on it goes.
I have been working so diligently on not being so angry, and not being so impulsive, that it didn’t dawn on me when I failed or relapsed, etc, that I wasn’t forgiving myself, which was also making it more difficult to continue the work on me and making it a lot easier for that negative voice in my head to say to me “see you are a loser, you can’t get better, you’ll never be okay”.
I need to work on THAT voice.
In all of those circles of interpersonal relationships that I have, in the past year it has been whittled down to 1 person from each. Having said to some of the people that I care about the most that I really need to do some therapeutic work for myself has been met back (not just in my head but in actuality) with either – oh I didn’t really think that we were that close, so oh well… or here you go just on another one of your weirdo flights of fancy, good luck let me know when you are ready to party again, or since Jesus is not the answer for you, I’ll pray you don’t go to hell but in the meantime, goodbye.
The evil drill sergeant in my head says- yeah everybody is finally letting you know you’re worthless to them so just accept it and leave people alone, you’ll never make anybody happy because you’re a loser, how could anyone love you, you’re a slut, why would anyone want to help or support you, you’re a clown…die.
Some of the things the voice says I know aren’t true- I haven’t tried to take myself off the planet since I was 29 and I’m proud of that. I genuinely want to prove to my 21-year old that even though mom struggles a whole lot in her own head, that if I can figure out how to be better and stronger and healthier, that no matter what, he has value and he can overcome his obstacles, whatever they turn out to be as well.
Now that I think about it, none of that has anything to do with me actually loving me.
I need to forgive me for that too, I see.
Leave a Reply