I have a decision to make, and I guess you might consider it a pretty big one, so I have decided to write a post today, basically a free-write, to weigh the options of the decision with myself (since ultimately only my opinion counts here and I’m the one who will deal with any consequences) and the post will go on as long as it has to until I come up with a conclusion, because realistically I have been pussyfooting around about it since August of last year. Ah the plans we think we have that fall by the way side… So where do I begin?
Wait.
Do I need weed for this? Yeah, I probably do. Oh you’re not supposed to call it weed now apparently because its legal for recreational use some places in my country it’s called by its real name ZE CANNABIS. LOL. Let’s do that first and regroup and then begin.
So in about 3 weeks or so I need to decide and let my leasing office know if I am moving out or not. I have been here in this shitty little apartment since I moved back to California from Ohio. Living in Ohio will spoil you for amenities, I promise. For less than I pay here, out there, I might as well have had a mansion. But the thing is, in my humble opinion, Ohio is a horrible place to live. Like, why do humans who are not farmers live in that weather? Why deal with the snow like, I get saving money but it’s terrible for my mental health personally, if I have to pay sunshine tax to live somewhere that is periodically on fire and in a drought just to not have to deal with snow annually then to me, it’s mad worth the money..what else is money for if not to get exactly what you want? That tells me that no matter what my decision is, I won’t be going anywhere too far north or east of here, clearly. Why are you still reading this? Speaking of finances I am constantly worried about money. I am not in dire straits at the moment but so many things are always riding on the fence that at any moment I could be. I live alone and am responsible solely for me so if the worst happened, which would be our job laying us off, and more importantly ME off for any reason, how long could I survive while I was looking for new work? Welllll if I don’t move at all and keep living in this tiny little grubby shoebox, I could make it for 3 months- that’s decent. My personal goal is to have enough to make it for 6 months if that happened so I really do have a lot more saving to do, and not spending a shit ton of money on rent when it is fucking expensive everywhere is a choice that is more closely aligned with what I truly value over aesthetics. I prefer the sunshine and the desert but if push came to shove I could survive somewhere colder- but I can’t survive anywhere cheaper than this. Like, if this place was even smaller but it was on Coronado Island or Firenze, Toscana- It wouldn’t be worth it to me. I’d just move to some outskirt place within that area, pay less for a little more, but still be in the sunshine or the desert. If the outside makes me suffer then I need a fucking palace of comfort. Man, you are really hanging in there, reading all of this, aren’t you? Well good for you.
Now I have lived in Nevada before, I like it there, there are plenty things for a single person to get into and there is no state tax so that’s already a contribution to the savings. The big but for moving back to Vegas though is housing there is nearly what it is here for the same kinda spot. Being in California, it’s rarely more than an hour flight to get to Vegas if I desperately needed to be there for a split second weekend- I don’t need to pack up and move all my shit back there, for what exactly? Plus I don’t want to die in Vegas. I’m a tiny bit high now can I say that? Pfft. It wouldn’t be a freewrite if I didn’t write freely- focus, chile, okay now when I say I don’t want to die in Vegas, I mean I obviously could on vacation but when I did live there, whew I was…sometimes when I wasn’t regulating my emotions well… entirely too close to the sin that I prefer. Too close. Dip your toe in close. And I did some stuff not so much that I regret but that I’m fortunate to have survived. Risky business FO SHO. EEK. I just don’t feel like I want to continue to be that reckless with myself. So when it comes to moving out of state, I’d really rather stay in this one. Still here? Wow.
My kid lives in Ohio but I’m not worried about that. He’s fine. He’s 21. He can move to Spain tomorrow if he wants to, he’s grown, so this decision has to be my own decision for myself. I used to live in Upland a long time ago, in the San Bernadino County AKA Inland Empire. I liked how hot it was and I had a little cheap ass place out there and it wasn’t terrible because LA wasn’t close but it wasn’t far. Only thing now is I hate LA. I have no reason to ever be there except to pass through to Malibu or keeping going to San Diego. The other problem with being in the IE is travel and pretty soon if I keep the job that I am currently working I’m going to need to travel more often and right here in Sacramento I’m a measly 20 minutes from the airport, a route I know with my eyes closed, no drama either because the airport is pretty small. So I don’t want to be in the IE again or in LA ever- do you know how much money I would have to be paid to live there? PFFT I don’t know what I would even do with that much money. In my mind for a long time I have thought that when I retire, I want to live in San Diego if I am still in the States. It really is a great place, the weather is perfect, there is lots to do no matter what you are into and the beaches are everywhere. Who doesn’t want to live close to the beach? Some I suppose, but if I could afford it, I’d live right by somebody’s ocean shore- Pacific not Atlantic. That’s the big drawback from moving to San D now, can I afford it? I already don’t want to get a fancier spot here in Sac and am willing to live in this tiny little doghouse to save bread and saving bread is clearly something that is important to me. I couldn’t imagine owning a Mercedes and not being able to afford the gas or park it in front of some expensive looking pad. Shit has to match for me and make sense. I feel like that about where I live too in a way, like I can’t move to San Diego now, knowing full well I don’t have enough saved to be comfortable and the rents for holes in the walls are going to be twice what I’m paying right now. I could pay it but what if something happens? I got no one to call and no where to go and I’m in the city I want to retire in struggling and for what? So I can tell people I live in San Diego? That doesn’t compute either. If you are still reading this know that you are loved. Know that you are important. Know that you are valuable. You exist. For a limited time so you are a limited edition. Nobody else has been and nobody else could be exactly like you. Anyway…
There are some towns like Temecula and some more inland little cities I could move to not far from Diego which would put me in the area that I ultimately want to be close to anyhow… but then we get back to the airport business, not nececessarily being close to one means drama when I have to fly that really is unnecessary when considering options. But something in me doesn’t want to stay in this place and I don’t know what it is. Maybe because I feel like I really can’t host and have guests because it isn’t like the kinda pad you’d want to show off at this big ol age- but also, its a pandemic, who do I REALLY Want visiting me? Like my sister or my son, that’s it and they really don’t care where I live as long as there is food and shit. I feel like right now without roommates which is an outrageous word to me- ugh live with other people- NEVER AGAIN- moving to San D at this point would put me in prime come see me locale but tiny cramped living space. Those folk who live in those tiny ass expensive units in NYC are crazy. Heroes dealing with that weather but crazy as hell. No Way. San D has everything I want but if its even smaller and more poverty screaming than this place then I’d personally rather wait until I had a gig that paid me enough to be comfortable there or something else happened with my financial world that facilitated it- I dunno, I do feel like my peers and people in my age group look like they are doing better because of all their fancy trappings of success in middle age but how much of that shit is soul crushing debt? See, yeah the way my mental health needs to be set up is I can’t be fucking worried about the rug getting pulled out from under me in order to showcase some status symbols to motherfuckers I couldn’t care less about. You can think I’m broke all you want to fool, we all are in this 99% together. Fuck trying to show off anything, I want to be somewhere I am happy, I am comfortable, I am close to an airport, I can get weed delivered, and there’s a pacific coast beach not too far.
Thanks for reading all of this, you’re a trooper, darling!
Now just for a change of pace, because I have been here a while, maybe I can move somewhere here in town maybe less than 20 minutes to the airport? I’m willing to pay an already allotted amount more for housing than I’m paying now that will keep me in that 3rd of your salary safe category. Now, I’ve been gone for like an hour researching but how could you know that? LOL. Well there are like 12 apartment complexes in the surrounding places that are equidistant from this town to the airport. I like Citrus Heights and it’s not terribly far from here and not terribly far from the airport either. And I found a little place within my budget that has a better terrace, good reviews, a pool and a spa and a kitchen island set up where you could have bar stools. I could do it. So I sent the link to myself to look at it tomorrow because the whole point of this is not to move impulsively. I think that is the plan. Look at us freewrite journal blogging to come up with answers. But it won’t cost me too much to move from here to there and I could use the extra money I would have needed to spend to move out of state etc, to get at least a few more items like a new bed and a new sofa that would make me more comfortable than I am now. But why am I not comfortable now? We have changed leasing owners like yearly since I’ve been here in 2018. They are just now starting to improve the property from how it was back then and changes are slow. My packages have been safe and a couple of the neighbors know me so we don’t have issues when I’m blaring rock music at 5 AM or 11 PM on weekdays. That other place only costs slightly more but I do have to move all of my services over get Licenses and etc redone blah blah blah- those little hassles aren’t that big of a deal but honestly, most of the time I’ve ever moved it’s because I literally had to- I was trying to get away from some dumb ass family member, or dumb ass dude, or get my son in a district where there was a good school. Other than, I would suspect some sort of inner boredom after having been stuck in here all during COVID and noticing little flaws in the spot that probably would have never occurred to me if I was on the road 40 weeks a year still that has gotten me thinking when the lease is up about not renewing it. Plus rent didn’t go up due to COVID so it didn’t make sense to move last year, especially when I was on furlough for part of it. Hmmmm. I literally cannot understand why you haven’t left this post by now but if you haven’t and you are reading this I hope you have popcorn. All of my moving costs period can go toward savings if I don’t move at all this year. And I can just get myself a new bed and a new sofa here if I want a change and for things to feel a little more like a home for now. Plus if something happens with work, I’m usually paid into the next month or further so that gives me a little space too again if I have to hussle hunt for something else to do so I can eat. It is okay to be regular. It is okay to be plain. It is okay to not have certain trappings regardless of your age if they don’t really matter to you. Its a pretty good idea to keep building up credit history in one place that shows you’re a solid character and you don’t willy nilly need to move from apt to condo to townhouse to apt every fucking year… I don’t want to be living here when I’m 50. I want to be a little more comfortable in fucking general by then. Which means I have 4 years if I live to see them to get my shit together, get the savings I want, get a gig I’m proud of and then move to San Diego. Maybe that’s the plan for now. Us and our plans as humans, huh? LOL laughable all of them. So I guess I’ve decided to stay. I’ll look at that place I sent myself tomorrow but honestly, this kinda makes the most sense right now, there is no urgent need for me to move, and I can handle this place, I have handled it and why not save as much as possible while I’m able? I’m glad I did this. And more importantly I’m glad you stuck it out and read the whole thing. We can get married whenever you’ve got some free time.