Hyperbolic discounting of a busman’s holiday

I used to take all the hearts I could find right out of the chests where they sat if I could get close enough to a one I found some sort of value in and could grab it- it was grabbed. I’m no surgeon there is nothing you can do with a beating heart if you don’t know how to do anything with it other than crush it so it looks like it feels like the one in your own chest, destroyed. No one has ever given me their heart…well that isn’t true one person did and then I discovered not long ago he committed suicide so as you can imagine my thoughts about that when I had refused it kinda broke me for a while but it didn’t make me think of hearts as suddenly best in chests it absolutely made me feel like if I break a lot more of them, eventually the person will heal but at least they’ll live and have a story and have survived something, who knows why I needed to create trauma, I suppose misery loves its crowds of sycophants and intimate partnership with sadness shared and the fact is being destructive was so much more alluring and effective and life altering it appeared for a while, a long while, my whole life until recently, it’s an incredibly heavy burden hurting and then hurting others and I wasn’t excluded, I’ve tried taking my own heart out a couple of times unsuccessfully, I had given it away just by existing and it got stomped over and over so I tried to bleed it out and got a whole bunch of diagnoses from people who probably had their own hearts stomped and couldn’t care about a new statistic who gives a shit the mark found more marks, it’s science or nature or pitiful or stupid or childish or frequent so for me it became no middle ground the only next thought was be the stomper thinking it would heal my own brutalized heart somehow because I could watch them swim through the suffering and perhaps I could follow them out of it but no one stayed, not really, I mean even the guy with the only heart I was ever given chose to die to me, technically, twice and I kept trying to have a breaking things break through so I used to take all the hearts I could find right of the chests where they sat if I could get close enough to one I found some sort of value in and could grab it- it was grabbed. I’m sorry.

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