I was thinking about this today
not for the purposes of trying
to shame anybody else into believing
the way that I believe – I’m just processing
downloading so much information that I can’t comprehend it all
so I just want to get an understanding
of how I’m operating in the world and what I expect from others
and what I’m willing and capable of giving
and I ran across some information about preferential love and how that’s really just self-love and then I ran across some information about conditional versus unconditional love where there’s a certain set of boundaries and characteristics and things that you need to do in order to get the love from this person and that means that it’s based on conditions
and then there’s supposed to be this other kind
this unconditional kind
that no matter what the love flows
and then to top that off I was reading about transactional love right where you’re demonstrating it in a way that is a payment for a service of love that was rendered towards you and I’m starting to hate all of this more and more than ever before because I already feel like as a person who for love was not demonstrated as a child that I don’t have a really good grasp of it anyway and I’m not really sure if I’m using it appropriately or if I’m demonstrating it for the right people or even if I know how to demonstrate it appropriately and now that there’s other used concepts that go on to the beginning of the word sort of like a prefix to it, it waters it down for me it makes it seem like it’s not valid
you can’t have provisional truth
even if people say that
that doesn’t make sense
it’s either the truth or it isn’t but that’s just my damned thinking that’s a cognitive distortion that I have to deal with- stuff being black and white and living in this area of grubby gross ass gray in the middle is really a huge challenge I think that I love people I think that I love my sister and my son and but is that preferential love do I love them because I feel like we’re related and we have a huge long history and they uplift me and even if they did something terrible I wouldn’t not love them because I really don’t feel like that is unconditional because there is a condition if either one of the people that I’ve claimed to love stabbed me I would not be loving them anymore
like the condition is
do not hurt me
 and so it does that mean that it’s not love or does it mean that it goes into one of these new broken down categories and I already know that I don’t have the healthiest relationship with sex so I’m not even considering the transactional nature of that having anything to do with love at all in my book although you would see people mentioning those things together with the word love if you look on social media or at anybody’s fictional story about how human relationships work and so now I’m sort of concerned that it is my lack of understanding
about that
a detriment to me in any way
is it preventing me from having passion for writing
it isn’t is it preventing me from having a creative ability to do my job well
it isn’t stopping me from looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that I’m a worthwhile human being it’s not
and it doesn’t even have an impact on whether or not I feel comfortable in my own skin or if I feel shame because I’m not embarrassed about turning the lights off in the middle of the night and getting myself physically where I need to be in order to feel like I don’t have a sexual desire anymore I don’t know if that’s a problem or if that’s the way it’s supposed to go down
if I have a healthier relationship with sex does that mean that I’m obligated suddenly I have to share my physical being with other people and it be some sort of mutual connection I get the fact that this is a thing that exists but that seems conditional to me and preferential to me and transactional to me so what is love without all of those words in front of it
I’m not saying that it does not mean that but I’m also saying is it necessary
I feel like love in a very universal sense is necessary
for all of us
it’s the only way that we can thrive and survive
but we are indeed predators
we don’t necessarily have to be on this planet
this planet will continue
whether we do or not so us thinking our existence on it makes it a better place or whatever is fraudulent and selfish out of the gate so since you are here
I feel like my priority really is to be self-sufficient creator I don’t understand why that’s a negative but if I have to be in love with somebody then I would think the preferential style would make the most sense but then when you look at that closely it’s still you just loving you
it’s still you like and what you like
and then these people make you feel like you’re right
about liking what you like
it’s not an external expression that’s going outward it’s still something that’s coming inward and is that bad and is only having conditional love selfish
because I don’t see how you can have unconditional love I would think that my relationship with my son is the closest that I could probably get to unconditional love there isn’t anything that he could tell me that would stop me from loving him but if he stabbed me I think that our relationship is over I don’t know
is that shady on my part
do I not understand love
to feel like that
I’m not quite sure
I don’t have a good grasp on it and I also feel like no one else seems to have a good grasp on it either like I can go and look at the numbers and they make sense there’s nobody going in and saying numbers are suddenly different I can look at the 26 letters that it takes to use to make words in the English language and no one is saying that now there’s modifications to those letters yet there are still modifications to our understanding of atoms in their place and whether or not they are connected or disconnected I get all of that but I feel like love is sort of kind of a drug and I’m trying to understand how that drug impacts me
where I can use that drug for my benefit
but in the real long term reality of the situation
as a person who is easily addicted to things
do I need it
do I need love ‘
cause I ain’t dumb to addiction
I don’t know like I’m just talking it out with myself to try to get closer to some semblance of understanding and I feel completely lost and I feel like every direction I’m supposed to be able to turn to whether that’s academia or spirituality or the law I don’t feel like anyone any human being has ever or will ever fully understand this whole love thang man
if they do that’s cool like I cannot wait to read or hear or understand where they’re coming from but nobody has a handle on it as far as I’m concerned if nobody can really grasp it
maybe it’s bullshit and if it’s bullshit
then that’s the truth
and the truth does not require belief
and so I’ma just leave it there for right now
and put love in my back pocket like it’s a fucking sugar packet
and sugar is not something that I need to survive
it’s something that I sprinkle on shit
to try to make it better
I can’t imagine any other way for love to work
yet maybe I’ve just not developed that part of my mind or I have not had that experience yet so I have nothing to draw from but looking around at preferential and transactional and conditional love and the variations of it confuses me
it’s overwhelming
it seems stupid and I would like to connect to it so that I could utilize it better but if I can live a happy healthy successful whole life without it wouldn’t that be the best route
seems to be the less confusing less problematic version of myself in the world

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