When the Martian Fugu’s Inner Monologue goes Off-Script

And one day it just hits you that the reality of the situation is none of this has any permanence so if that’s the case if everything is eventually going to go away then what could I do to change
you see because I’m going to change one way or the other until I leave this world
and if I have some sort of influence on the changes that I want to see happen in myself then that gives me a little bit of agency during the flux
great, because the tide is going to change
the winds change
you get older
people come in and out of your life
none of it is permanent
So what if you thought about every single day as being a full entire life and what if every single day you decided that you were going to live the life of a writer and for that particular day what does that look like what does that entail what if every day you actually loved yourself and instead of thinking of it in the long term like I’ve gotta figure out how to cope with stressful situations for the rest of my life or I’ve gotta figure out how to regulate my emotions for the rest of my life what if I think that my life is today and the habits that I start will eventually have that long term impact that I’m looking for
that delayed gratification of the whole thing
but instead of worrying about those outcomes
that years and years from now I could stick a pin in just don’t matter today
just do the absolute best that I can today right
to be a writer
to be creative
to be emotionally connected to myself
to have interpersonal exchanges that don’t leave me feeling like I’m worthless
because I am not
and one day it hits you like it hit me today
so what if I decided that since everything changes
water keeps running over a cliff eventually that cliff is gonna erode
and what if I choose as my water
consciously accepting myself every moment
every time those negative thoughts come back to my mind that tell me I’m not valuable or I’m not important or I’m not special I’m not unique those may very well be true statements but they have nothing to do with my ability to contribute to humanity and to art and to things that I love
they have nothing to do with my ability to demonstrate what I’m passionate about and those 24 hours if I care about doing something for local charities OK there’s no day but today to do that if I care about contacting certain people in my family just to make sure they know before they go to sleep that they matter to me then OK today’s the day to do that if I feel like I want to free write what I’m thinking so that in case anybody else in the world is thinking the same thing that they don’t give up hope and maybe that’s the one thing that I do good for that day then OK today is the day to do that
the entire existence of me is today
and tomorrow I’m going to be a completely different woman
I’m going to be a woman that has one more day under her belt of being extremely kind to herself
of being not only tolerant of herself but looking at even her flaws as things that could be considered cute for lack of a better word or things that could be considered endearing for a better word and that’s OK to be OK with that today
’cause this is the life that I have
these decisions are how I got here and if I keep making decisions that make me feel good
decisions that address my passions
decisions that address what I consider to be values that’s a successful day
and if that’s the last one I get so be it
because everything changes and I’m included in everything
and the change doesn’t have to be a negative one
it could be one that overall is empowering and uplifting and kind and generous and those things don’t have to be sarcastic or fake or facetious
that’s how I really want to present myself in the world
because I love myself enough to accept me
so I think the more I do that the more mindful I am about that the better I’m going to get and worst case scenario if this is my last day I can go to sleep knowing that I did everything that I could and that’s enough
for real, that’s enough
I am enough

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