If you’ve been to SDCC and you’re over 25 that’s cool
but if Fight club is also your favorite movie, that’s cooler
and if vanilla ice-cream is your favorite flavor that’s super dope
and if Kal El is your absolute favorite superhero and there will be no discussion, and you’re a very talented singer and not too uptight to do Karaoke, and have at least 1 tattoo that’s terrifyingly wonderful and I don’t even know if I have to know you to feel some serious attraction, especially if you live for MST3K, Twilight Zone, getting high at the beach, alternative and indie and oldies rock music on top of all that, I don’t see how you could be on this planet and we haven’t locked eyes yet and of course
(Even though I clearly know it is not even possible)
but if without any hesitation to top it all off, Incubus is your favorite band, you prefer indica strains and good whiskey at home cuddling to a club and can recite Invictus by William Ernest Hensley by heart we could melt into one being after a few hours in the same room and I’d be so overwhelmed I dunno if I would ever wear clothes in your presence
but that isn’t realistic to expect
I’m playing with myself
fortunately I like all of that shit and live that life happily with me
so trust, I’m already good
and quite frankly
dating me isn’t all that hard
if in real life you are kind to me and respectful, live within 50 miles, are honest and outgoing, have a life you love right now that sustains and fulfills you and you’ll let me tie you to my bed with a ball gag in your mouth
that’s enough of a reason
for you to at the very least

say hello…

but if you can sing or play guitar and you look like the Roman Catholic version of “Jesus”
all other bets are off

move in today.