Last week was just a jumbled mess for me. Learning about myself is hilarious and sad sometimes and trying to figure out how to use what I know about me to help me not sabotage me is certainly a challenge. I’ve been told before that PMDD and PTSD are things that I struggle with and the week before my cycle starts I have found that I have much less control over that space between a thought and action and the emotion I’m feeling and my normal negative spiral that follows that feeling, whenever I can’t just name it and drop it. Looking backwards at my own patterns during that week if I am in a romantic relationship and find my partner super sexually attractive, I tend to cling a little more, need more reinforcement from them that they love me and I’m worthy etc (instead of doing this for myself). If I’m in a relationship during that week and only moderately find my partner attractive, the poor thing is going to get destroyed- literally raked across the coals for any inconsistency or slight and becoming my emotional punching bag for not being perfect and also proof that I can’t get (and don’t deserve) any better so we all need to be punished. I have not had sex with anybody in the past 5 months which is LITERALLY a record for me- but again, keeping journals and blogging I can look back into my lunar calendar and see what I’ve written and even when I’m single, during that week the most attractive of my previous partners that I also claim to have loved come to the forefront of my mind and every dumb thing they ever did feels soft and pliable, every stupid mistake feels forgivable and much like a teddy bear, I want to re-introduce them to my life, just for hugs and encouragement and cuddles (but biologically to have their child) when I know a week later, or basically as soon as I see the blood, I’m going to find all of this foolish again, remember this person and I were not a good match and completely distance myself from this person again immediately, without warning or explanation because ” fuck them they are just a crutch”. I’m tired of doing this. One day- maybe not today- I do want to experience a long term monogamous relationship again and although secretly I think this is a weakness, I have to admit to myself that I’d like to pursue that and be genuine and vulnerable in that space, at least once before I leave this water ball but I also have to accept I need to be the kind of person who can handle that, be present and conscious and not a manipulative user trying to get my own needs met. I clearly know I’m not ready now, which is why I’m not going to be pursuing any more casual dates with people for now because unfortunately WHEN I meet them can have a skew to how things will go and honestly, I’d rather have productive ways to deal with myself, then have to explain to somebody “hey, you’re not that attractive to me so next week its best if you get out of Dodge partner because I may hurt you.” Or to say the opposite- “I find you EXTREMELY physically attractive and I will literally put up with all the bullshit you can toss me for the next 7 days while my emotions and hormones are all over the place so buckle up bronco, I’m gonna ride you into the sunset!” (What disgusts me is I know 5 people right now that I could call and say just that and they would be interested. It makes me sadder.)
When my emotional regulation ability was much much worse (not even 2 years ago) I had a Favorite Person. My FP has always been some man- that I found ridiculously attractive and outside of my league. He always had to be smarter than me in some way and it had to be a drastic cavern between my knowledge in that area and his so that I could look up to him and admire him. He had to like me, know that I liked him but make it clear to me that we couldn’t be together together- although he was flattered-and he had to find pleasure in my advances, ignore me completely when he didn’t want them, tease me with the carrot that one day we could be together *wink wink* find me completely talented and at least moderately attractive but NEVER GIVE IN to my advances, even if I’m in tears or begging, always be just out of arm’s reach and even go so far as to be jealous when I would take a lover (Playfully) and make recommendations on who could stay and who needed to be dismissed. I was always anchored to someone like this from about 13 years on. I remember all of their names too. And one would get replaced by another when the old one would say about the new potential one, sheesh this guy is good. And almost suddenly the little lightbulb would go off on them and go on for the next one… (Redacted) was my favorite person until I met (Redacted), my son’s father in undergraduate school, (Redacted) was the person until I met (Redacted) in graduate school, (Redacted) was the person until I met (Redacted)at work, (Redacted) was the person until I met the Monster in 2016/2017. I had very serious relationships with completely different men during those times and they knew about these guys and many of the meaner ones would use these guys against me during arguments when (during the time I was cycling) I was being a complete nightmare horrible bitch towards them. (Redacted) will never love you, a boyfriend would say. (Redacted) doesn’t even look at you like that, another would chime in. The Monster is just using you the voice from the person who was sleeping in my bed at the time would echo. My whole sense of a “self” was a coat hanging on these people for comfort and support and pretty much everything. Last week was that week for me. I know at some point I will start cycling this week (I’ve been keeping much better track) and I couldn’t think about anything but The Monster. I wanted to call him and hang up. I wanted to text him from a private number to see how he was doing. I wanted to beg him to come see me…and yet I resisted. I did not reach out to him and every time the thought overwhelmed me I had to sit down, stop what I was doing, realize I was ruminating or something because I was not present. I sometimes think when I’m trying to date that I’m not really, I’m trying to find someone to replace The Monster so I can fully release him. (Redacted) had been that person for me the longest, even during my suicide attempt at 29 and when he saw The Monster with his own eyes he was like OMG, he looks like a greek god, good grief and it was in that instant I could let him go and I was able to never speak to him again without any worry or anxiety. I haven’t slept with anyone in 5 months, this is about to be cycle week, I’m afraid I’m ignoring things because these stupid hormones and whatever else I got going on and I need to have if I am going to move forward in any kind of way a Favorite Person Free life, or make myself that or something, I obviously don’t know the answer, but I know every 4 weeks until this horrifying process officially becomes Menopause and I get a new set of problems, lol, that this is going to halt my progress a little bit and set me back. I can say for myself that at least I’m not still automatically reaching out to these people anymore, even if it is a struggle not to, so that’s progress…I want my future state to be that I am at peace with (My government name). I love her She’s amazing and talented and smart and beautiful and a good friend and a daggum decent mom and just in general an alright person whether anyone else agrees or not. She deserves and has love, inside and out, and generally looks on the bright side of life, is positive and outgoing, creative and confident. I do not feel like that person in my bones. Some of those things I feel but “she deserves and has love” nope. I was talking to my sorority sister about this on Saturday- I had reached out to her because the draw to reach out to The Monster was so strong I had to pivot to someone else and I’m texting her in tears just kind of thanking her for being my friend for all these years and that sometimes I struggle a bit in relationships but I’m really working on it. She said you had a fucked up mother and that’s why all of this is so hard for you but those were her problems not yours and you’re already a better mother than she was so give yourself some slack. I kinda needed to hear that so I could have a good cry with the big tears, the kind you want to take a nap after. In a way, she’s right. I find that my own son doesn’t feel a desperate pulling inside him to prove to other people that he is worthy of love. He had tons of hugs and support and I actually listen to his thoughts and opinions and take those into account and I’m always on his side. To know that the first voice in your head is one that is telling you that you shouldn’t be on this earth, you’re not supposed to be here, echoes and leaks into every single mistake you make or problem you have. Whelp, you can’t keep a partner? It’s because you weren’t supposed to be here, duh. You’re struggling with handling emotions, ha, of course you are, you weren’t supposed to be here dummy. Finding someone else I look up to and idolize who is just going to ignore me- what else do you think you deserve, you were supposed to be aborted, remember? My father is dead, my grandmother who raised me is dead but my mother, who was the person who did not, and still does not love me, has survived. It’s almost been a full year since we have spoken but in the past 46 years there have been decades where I didn’t hear a word from her. If I’m not buying her something, kissing her ass, making her look good to the people she’s conning, she has no need for me. Every kid should be able to go to their mother at any age and say, Mom, I’m struggling right now. I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to but there are times when I still can’t control my emotions, and I feel sad and lonely right now but its not for a current reason its from something else and I need you to just hug me and tell me I am worthy and I’m going to be okay or SOMETHING. I will never get that. I know. I’m so jealous of my own son because I don’t really know where this love for him comes from or how to replicate it for myself. Now as soon as I see this blood in the next 72 hours or so, I’m not going to care about this anymore. I’m going to go back to a sort of baseline where I can see the light, I’m open to changes and I have hope. It’s just carrying myself through to that every time that is becoming more and more of a struggle, especially when I’ve kind of set things up so I don’t have anyone really to lean on (not because I couldn’t but because I simply cannot be a burden on anyone else)…which is what …deep down, (My government name)? Hmm… it’s just the same old thing… I don’t deserve to be here.
At some point, I gotta let that voice go.