I am a little bit blue right now
disturbed by a couple of my behaviors…
I’ve got some long term planning to do
but I feel a little overwhelmed
I would guess it’s not helping that it is super hazy outside
because there are a lot of fires in California
which is normal
there’s always fires here
but one of the things that I enjoy the most about working from home this past 18 months or whatever is looking out the window and on those days when the sky is clear there’s no clouds and sunshine
I don’t know I just feel like
Okay- breathe-
whatever I need to figure out to get through today I can do it but
with the haze and it kind of looking orange outside
I don’t know
and I’ve been listening to old music from the 80s when I was a child
and having just a lot of back in the day long time ago kind of moments happening
so it just feels like a lot of things are unresolved and that I’m not handling them the way that I should be… I’m okay.
First things first I’m really disappointed in my most recent Doctor
our relationship has been weird because I guess I kind of do see myself
really see me
a little bit more than maybe some other clients do and I am able to articulate my feelings a little bit more than other people
but that’s the characteristic of being somebody who writes, right
I can’t get to an image of something if I’m not able to clearly explain where the feeling is coming from or what that feeling looks like so since she’s in Indiana and she’s a white lady a little bit younger than me I don’t know, it started to kind of feel like she was way too impressed by my coming up with strategies and diffusion techniques for myself
but I’m a teacher
like there’s nothing to be impressed about from my point of view about that
if the doctor were treating another doctor let’s say
would she be impressed by the fact that she could use clinical terms without explanation
so I probably still need to talk to somebody but my whole thing is
I’m tired of starting over, right
with the conversation that we do
where I’m explaining over and over again all of the trauma
but I think also too every time I do that
If I’m still tender about it
and still crying emotional about it
then it’s still something I need to work through
but do I need to work through it with another person because me just having this conversation with myself recording it uhm
is the same thing I would be doing in therapy
and it ain’t costing me shit, really
so… except for the time it takes to do it
having said that, uhm…
talking to the monster was bad.
HAHAHA…I knew it was before I did it I don’t know I guess the amount of time that goes past and I think it’s going to change it’s not gonna change I’ve done this 15 times
but 50,000 sounds like a more realistic number
again and again and again and I need to come up with a way to be more sure that I’m doing that again because I keep creating fail safes for myself so that I can reach out to him whenever I want so I just need to stop
he’s not something I value anymore
let’s just be real honest
yeah I had that biological attraction to him and that ultimately is not getting me where I want to be
it’s not getting him where he wants to be so
fuck him
he aint that fucking great
so I need to cut all of the strings and ties away from myself to be able to reach him and just be done with it so I’ma write that down, get rid of accesses to the monster, period. Boom. There.
And I gotta remember why I’m doing it because that is the problem see because when it gets soft in my mind and then I feel sing songy and I’m all
Ohh I misssss him
but I don’t miss him
HA, there is a reason he has been gone, dummy
and that is what made me upset about the Doctor, right
because I had told her that I had created boundaries around not talking to him and she said some shit like well maybe you just made those up and you don’t really need to have those boundaries
and it all sounds like a love story to me
Okay but
it’s not. And I know that it is not. And I know that I needed those boundaries so I feel like if I have to explain to you why I created boundaries for myself, you’re not the right therapist for me but there’s no real problem with that
people change therapists all of the time
so I don’t know why I’m tripping but then the second piece is
with the Reaper who is the last person that I had sex with
in March of this year
and he is only 20 – he’s not 21 yet- a whole ass year hasn’t gone past, it’s only been 5 months
but anyway uhm I went on the dating site just to talk to somebody
I was trying to be more of like I just want to talk to adults
I just wanna, you know, and of course they are going to flirt with me
I mean I’m fine with flirting or whatever
I know I’m not trying to see no body or go nowhere or do nothing
I just want to be able to talk to some guy who wants to talk to some gal
you know
nothing too serious … I don’t want to think too far ahead into it… and of course the first person who shows up is the Reaper- and the Reaper is like we had a good time and we should have a good time again but I said exactly what I wanted- I said okay then, that’s fine and that’s true
but also remember that
I’m looking for a person that I can have sex with that only is having sex with me
and you’re 20 years old, that should not be the case for your life, you should be having sex with every warm body that you run across that will allow it because that is something that I would be doing if I was your age so the thing that I actually want from a dude, you can’t give to me and so
he said
I still want to have sex with you
and I don’t know what kind of drunken horny bullshit that I was on but I was like word, okay well if you want to destroy your damn self and this is how you want to spend your free time
I’ll fuck the shit out of you if you want but my first thought after that was

and I can get him to say the monster’s name and I can send that to the monster and let the monster know that I am fucking a 20 year old HA HA HA HA
which means

It’s bad.
Because that means that I’m using this boy and not in a normal way that we use things
like we use spoons for spoonish things, not to clean our ears out or to scoop shit out of our asses
it’s function is built into it, right
If I have sex with this guy, its not because I care about him and it’s definitely not because he cares about me, he’s only 20, he clearly knows that I said that I would like to be in a monogamous relationship with someone and he don’t give a fuck
he still wanna fuck me anyway, well because he’s 20
and me doing it in order to make the monster feel a certain way is proof that the monster is in control of me and I’m not in control of myself
okay? And fuck the therapist who told me to talk to him, fuck both of them so what I need to do is, find a new doctor, number one, and number two get rid of all access to the monster period
because it’s nothing but a nightmare
it doesn’t do anything but stress me out
I didn’t eat- I was fucking up in general
not getting stuff done, just lethargic when it comes to my whole ass life
crying and moody and shaking and creating scenarios in my head of ways to smash his fucking face into the ground like on American History X
and enjoying it… like its not a good healthy thing
it’s not moving me forward it’s just the same pages from the past and I’m tired of doing the same shit
I mean I just got to get to the point where I’m REALLY tired of doing the same shit
and then stop doing it.
Everybody’s got vices or problems or whatever
but there’s some shit you want to take with you forward
and he’s
that… and if I had to choose between a cancer stick and him I’d rather have a cigarette than him and that’s killing me
you understand what I’m saying, I would rather fucking die at my own hand
then to let somebody else be the motherfucker who is deciding how I’m living my life
who don’t really love me
and I definitely don’t want to be having a conversation with a therapist where
I can smooth talk you
I can use big words
I can make the story sound so sweet that your interpretation of what I need to be doing with my life is some shit based off of what you would do if you were me and that’s not helpful to me
I need you to be like, okay, think things more clearly through
and if I have to say that to myself then I don’t need to pay you
I can just tell myself okay you need to think about this shit some more
so after I said what I said to the Reaper
about, yeah okay, come through and he knows where I live so he might actually come through
but like, he did say I was a cool person to hang out with you know or whatever even if we are not fucking and that’s good to know because that is really what I was looking for
somebody to hang out with that I didn’t have to have sex with
or just as a part of the deal but I feel like now because I sent him a sexy picture and invited him to come over or whatever that I had to say this morning like
okayyyyyyy remember how I said that was a good idea yesterday…perhaps I was trippin’
because it’s not a good idea and if you come over, I’m still gone be in the same situation that I was in before you came over…yeah so fucking you might prevent me from wanting to fuck somebody else for the next 5 months but one of the of the things that happened after I had sex with him was like
immediately, I had like a UTI…. Okay…no
he fucks boys, he fucks girls, he fucks everybody, he’s 20
and even though we used condoms the whole night, I don’t want that
I would like to be in a relationship with somebody if we’re going to be fucking all day and night long and me and that individual are only going to be sleeping with each other and we can take our time doing all the freaky fucking things that we want to do
like literally everything that I have done to the monster, If I had a long term monogamous partner, I could do those things with that person
if that is what they were into
I don’t need to rely on the past relationship if you want to call it that, that I had with the monster, or try to keep that going forward
I don’t need to rely on a counselor who hasn’t even lived as long as I have lived and doesn’t understand where I am coming from with regards to thinking through decisions that I need to make and I think
that I definitely don’t need to fuck this 20 year old because first of all
I already fucked him
so fucking him twice don’t make no fucking sense
and he can’t give me what I want when it comes to that dynamic like a real dude, I don’t want to have a fuck buddy or whatever that is just casually fucking everybody in the world
this is not that
there’s a damn pandemic, and it’s global and I’m not a young person so this is another boundary that I had to set for myself
If I want to continue to be happy and healthy and moving forward then I gotta stop fucking with him and with the monster, I may get a new therapist too, I don’t know we will see
and I definitely don’t need to be having sex with the Reaper because even though he is cute
and he makes music and is fun to hang out with,
the kind of person that I want to share my body with and be in a relationship with
I’ve got to grow up to get
and he ain’t even grown…
He’s a child and that’s not to say that if the situation was different that I wouldn’t fuck with him seriously, I might, I dunno but because we both have clearly established that he is gone be a “ho”
and very well should be
and I don’t want to be with a “ho”
then that’s the end of that…
So I do have a class that I have to teach this afternoon…and I hope the Reaper doesn’t fuck up and randomly come on over and if he does we ain’t fucking so… he ain’t gone be here long…but I’m really going to try and encourage him not to come and I’m going to get rid of all traces of anything related to the monster
now, I’m not getting rid of the shit that I can use if I need to fuck him over
I’m not getting rid of that shit because I have a feeling that he’s gonna do what he usually does
and come back some kind of way and say some shit to me outtheway
so as long as we don’t ever talk to each other
I ain’t never got to humiliate him in front of the entire goddamned world including all his family and friends and to anybody who thinks that he’s a straight male when he’s absolutely my fucking bitch girlfriend who will wear all the fucking skirts and dresses and lipsticks I say he must and let me fuck him in the ass for hours and then chain him to a basement door
and for some reason that is humiliating to him
to be a chaste yet slutty pretty princess
and so therefore I will keep that shit because I’m not like
a perfect human
I’m still gone protect myself and if he ever said I was trying to force him to do any motherfucking thing, I got evidence and proof that he not only agreed to all of this suffering and abuse, all of the shit, but volunteered!
The fact that I have to keep that kinda shit on him should tell me right there it ain’t love.
You see?
Because I wouldn’t need to do that to somebody that I loved.
So that’s over…uhm…
am I ready to be in a real relationship with anybody? Actually, not right now
I still feel like I’ve got a whole lot of things left to think through
and that’s where the long term shit comes in right, like I need to be saving as much money as I can possibly save since I’m not going anywhere or doing anything so that I don’t have to work forever
You know, so I really need to be looking for alternative streams of income versus worrying about these dudes because ultimately I want to not have to work for anybody
I’m actually getting tired of that too even though I enjoy it
so that’s my new primary goal..so saying all of this, I feel a little bit better and having things I should focus on right now should help and hopefully I can get through this hazy orange day
with willing hands
and all that.

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