At first I thought sex was bad because I had been molested as a child.
And then I thought it was so bad that it would send me to hell.
Then I saw an actual pimp operate and I told myself I will never be on the other side of this level of manipulation and abuse. Never.
Then I tried to kill myself.
And then I thought well I could just marry some dude and that’s fine, right?
Then I thought well he’s a cheating bastard and so are all of the others that I know, see on TV, read about, or that get admired in my environment.
Then I made my husband watch me fuck some other man in front of him.
Then I got drunk and got raped by a friend at a party.
Then I got divorced.
Then I tried to kill myself, again.
I was actually a pimp myself for about a day.
I had a girlfriend for about 7 days.
Then I stopped believing a dude (of all things) in the sky was going to save me.
Then I stopped fucking people entirely unless I could control them with or without their clothes on.
Then I only had sex with pretty people that I knew I could beat in a fight. Or ones who would let me handcuff or hog tie them. For hours. And hours.
Then I started going to therapy.
I haven’t had sex with a person other than myself, in five months.
I have no clue what is next.
I know I have had enough shame and hurt though.
So, only stay if you want to
and if not go, please, as soon as you can.

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