Pride of Place in Purgatory

I think I’m getting close to that time in my cycle where my hormones control my impulses and my first choice is always you. I want to tell you so much and nothing at all. This makes me sad because I don’t really know you, I never have. But the way you behave, your narcissistic traits, the way I see you, draws “me” in to the vicious game we play of all or nothing gambling with one another’s time and emotions and energy. It’s stupid and heartbreaking. I want to tell you, so much, and nothing… at all. And yet, I don’t know how to stop. In your mind you might think ignoring me will help me “get it” that you don’t care about or even like me but it doesn’t. Because I’ve suffered a long time with BPD and I am recovering so I know now that when narcissists like you and my mom go silent on me or act like you’re something spectacular and I need to perform your desires in order to keep your favor or attention it only makes my resolve to eventually suffocate you with my undying love stronger. I want to tell you, boy howdy, so bad, I do but also I don’t… Of course I’m not sorry really I just “split” the relationship(s) into all good or all bad. Team Me and Team Not Me. I fantasize about one day making you both say with the utmost sincerity one day that you love me with all your hearts so then I can slit both of your throats and leave on a win. This is a psychotic thought on my part. I want to tell you so much and nothing, nothing at all… One day, if I keep getting better, I won’t care about her love any more, or yours. I won’t keep jumping up and down so you both can see me. I can let anyone who shows me even a modicum of decency and respect die lonely at my feet but you two… My first monster and my last monster, I’d peel my skin off if it would change things. It’s literally mental illness there is no other way to describe it. My mom is in your death cult too. She swears some invisible cloud dude cares specifically about her and makes her feel loved and answers her fucking selfish and conceited prayers for wealth and good parking spots and sometimes instead of buying food to feed me as a child, she’d donate money to her church- gambling that sky god would provide and he never did. I wish I could tell you, but it doesn’t have a point at all, does it?
She ignores me now too because that’s so Christian right? That’s exactly how Christ would have behaved in her mind which let’s me know she didn’t read the book and she’s just using religion as a crutch to make her feel better about herself, looking down on “sinners” as she hopes to gain entrance into some imaginary heaven after death. The fact that you’re in that cult too only made me feel even more… I dunno…. In love. But my ideas of what love is, are wrong. I want to tell you so much and yet, I probably won’t… You and she are welcome to believe whatever you want to including the fact that you don’t want or need or love or even like me. I need to accept this and it is my struggle especially when my biology softens and I look back at her and you and wish yet again that I was the thing that could make you happy. I only wish it because I know I can never be that. I’m hurting my own self, like I think I deserve to be punished because I’m just not good enough. I know that is false but I do it anyway. So like I told her she can keep ignoring me, fine. I’ll let go, I promise I will or I will keep trying to until I die. The same sadly is true for you. I’ll keep trying to let you go forever, so you keep right on ignoring me as well. Maybe when you and she pray to your sky god for me that one day your master will hear your prayers and save me from you both. Or maybe it’s not real, you’re both just as delusional as I am and I need to save myself… so I want to tell you goodbye one more time, until the next time I have to say it and hopefully it will all be over, when I don’t want to tell you things so much, and soon…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.