The free-write rant begins…

Today I feel out of sorts I don’t feel like I belong anywhere I don’t feel any really strong attachment to anything or anyone I feel a tiny bit lost and I’m trying to determine why I feel like this now there’s a couple of things that could cause this moodiness in me number one I have to think about the moon of course I’m still in the situation where I am a menstruating person and every 28 days or so the cycle begins again and there’s these hormonal fluctuations that have an impact on my mood in a way that might be extreme in comparison to another person who does not also suffer from PTSD and who does not also have borderline personality disorder traits like I have so I am well aware that this time of the month is a challenge for me and that I have to stay focused the second thing is that I met someone not too long ago whose company I enjoy and I know that I have difficulty having interpersonal relationships with other humans and part of the difficulty obviously are some of the cognitive distortions that come with the way my mind has worked for the past 46 years that I am definitely trying to pay more attention to and this person told me yesterday that they do not feel like an adult… now this person is an adult technically physically chronologically but they don’t feel like they are one and that made me feel suddenly terrible because I’m already struggling with just communicating with other humans and to meet someone and like them and for that person to say they don’t feel like they have enough of it together that they can consider themselves a grown up, hurt my feelings and then I feel bad it made me feel like a pervert and then I feel sad I feel like why didn’t I recognize this why weren’t there any you know fluctuations in my heart to let me know that this person wasn’t going to be a good match and I think part of the reason why if there were those things I tried to ignore them was because I’m trying to make sure that when I make moves it’s not because I’ve had an emotional trigger or making an impulsive decision but in that case I feel like it’s right for me to say OK Mr person until you feel like you’ve at least established yourself in the world there really isn’t any reason for us to continue to associate with one another because one it’s going to pull me backwards trying to lift you up I don’t have the energy and two these are things that you need to deal with within yourself just like the shit I need to deal with myself like I wasn’t putting any of my issues or concerns or personal problems on this person but they felt like they could to me now that leads me to another problem that I have having been told that I was a priest 1000 years ago now I know that that’s not true and I don’t really believe in reincarnation or any of that but it was told to me and every single time I meet a person stranger or whoever if we’re interacting for more than about five minutes they start confessing their deepest darkest secrets to me and I don’t know what to do about them other than saying that they’re OK they’re going to be fine it’s in the past let it go and it’s so easy for me to say that other people but I do not say those things for myself and definitely I don’t say them to myself when I’m howling at the moon because it’s about to be bloody season week so all of that on top of the fact that we just had this conversation at work where there are changing the dynamics of our roles and in order to move forward you now have to have more than a decade worth of experience in the role and all of these other background criteria that weren’t previously required now mind you I have all the credentials that they’re asking for but suddenly it seems like it’s going to be much more difficult to maintain this position without moving forward and I struggle with moving forward because I know that once I take on a more senior or managerial type role that I’m going to have to be better at interpersonal communications with other humans I’m going to have to play politics I’m going to have to smile and kiss asses and I have trouble doing those kinds of things I’m not very good at being fake at all and I have taken positions where I can do what I love to do which is to teach I could be in the classroom and design the instructions but I don’t want to have to go schmooze with people I don’t care about I don’t want to have to pretend to be this perfect person just to have a job to eat I am really struggling with keeping all of this nonsense together and I don’t know what to do next my impulse is telling me to fucking quit I have this impulse often every 28 days to be honest where the next thing I want to do is to get the fuck out of here and sell all my shit and move to a beach somewhere and put some flowers in my fucking hair and call myself a weird name like Kathy cosmos or Marianna trench just something weird and just get drunk and get high every day and don’t worry about nothing or nobody or money or the future and then just die on the streets by myself because number one nobody gives a damn and number two I won’t be missed and number three I would be less of a burden to this entire world if I was actually brave enough to go do that shit now mind you this is a thought that is running in the back of my mind on a loop all the time but during moon season that loop gets a lot louder and a lot stronger and I remember the last time I tried to take myself out of the game if you will it was during cycle week and I was told by my ex-husband at the time that he was interested in marrying somebody else and I was having some financial problems and I was struggling with taking care of my kid by myself and I really felt like this is it I can’t handle it I gotta go and now I don’t feel like that so much today like I said it is a record that is playing on repeat in the back of my mind but I did feel like maybe a better place for me to be would be in a psych ward somewhere eating jello and coloring in a coloring book and making paper mache butterflies all day long and going to sleep and having applesauce and just being a crazy person with other crazy people but I can’t do that because that would require a bravery that I don’t have it would require an acceptance that I won’t give myself and right now my family let’s just call them that even though we’re just relations were not actually family but if they called and said that they all needed to move in here right now and I had to take care of them I would do that and I would not think about myself I wouldn’t think about the things that I need and I would just provide for them but I’d fucking hate it yes but I would feel like there was a purpose or a reason for me to keep being on this stupid planet- And I have some good things coming up things to look forward to I’m gonna go to Vegas with my kid in a couple of weeks so we can celebrate all of the holidays that we missed in the past two years it would be nice to have a hug from him and at the end of the year I have a huge anniversary with my sorority sister and we’re going to try to do something so I do have things that I am looking forward to doing but I’m telling you right now today at this moment I am extremely stressed out about my job this week I’m on call which is so much more stressful for me than I imagine it is for other people because sitting at the ready puts my body on edge and I am super anxious because I don’t know when a request is going to come in and I’m not a dispatch sort of person but every once in a while I have to be so I’m sitting here just looking at my computer screen waiting ‘til I get a request and I’m freaking out because I don’t want to go to the bathroom I don’t want to eat I don’t want to leave to go you know get soda and then get a call and then to be like well you weren’t available of course since you’re an old person or because you’re a girl or because you’re a black person of course you messed it up so you’re fired now that is catastrophizing I am well aware and more than likely that’s not going to be the case but that’s how I feel and with this person who I was willing to invest time with for them to feel like they’re not even mature enough to have a consistent relationship and I mean not communicating via text or phone not you know keeping promises to come out and then to say all that yesterday I’m like the very best next thing for me to do is to let you ask go get your life together and now I’m thinking OK well you need to get your life together too because why are these people who are struggling who needs support mentally and emotionally coming to you for that when you are struggling yourself is it a misery love company thing I don’t know I’m not trying to be miserable I just am I’m not trying to be you know a person who struggles with communicating with people I just am I don’t want to be alone necessarily forever but that looks like that’s going to be the case and I just feel like really what I would love to do is to just get a bottle of whiskey and drink it and get high the rest of the day and not care and I can’t do that even though that seems like it would solve the problem it’s not going to solve the problem ’cause now I’ll potentially lose my job fucking around and I’m gonna miss out on some kind of opportunity for me to know people and do things because of self-sabotage so I feel like saying it at least getting it out acknowledging it putting it down on paper putting it somewhere that I’m going through this again that I feel this again that I’m hurting again that I’m alone again that I’m sad again UMMMM will give me the pause that I need before I actually take an action it’ll give me that moment to actually think about how not serious the threat is compared to my fears and I really don’t know what to do next but I guess regular people don’t either and maybe it’s OK for me to not always have the answers or have a plan but not to see everything in black and white but that’s how I see it so at some point I’m going to have to accept that I do not have a family anymore other than my son those people are related to me by blood but they don’t associate with me they don’t talk to me they don’t care about me they don’t contact me unless they are in danger or in poverty or in need of something they don’t want to be my family and so because of that I need to let that concept of having that go I don’t want to let it go I have no choice they are not here they are not talking to me they don’t communicate with me they don’t care about me so I have to let it go I don’t want to but I have to the second thing is there’s a lot of bullshit that I would need to learn how to do in order to be in a relationship with another human being that it’s taking me a long time to learn and by the time I actually get it at 65 or 75 I’m really not going to give a fuck about it anymore like I’m not going to care at that point I’m going to be like look I’m gonna get a tattoo across my forehead and just die right here in the middle of the street fuck it yeah that’s how I feel so I don’t know if I could be fake I don’t know if I cannot say my real feelings I don’t know how to hold back when I’m supposed to be vulnerable with somebody and maybe a relationship isn’t for me there has to be people for whom that is true I cannot be the only one out of 8 billion who can’t be in relationship with people I have tried I have tried everything there is I’ve tried to be demure I’ve tried to be religious I’ve tried to be Susie homemaker type I’ve tried to be a dominatrix I’ve tried to be a Good Wife I’ve tried to be a good mom I’ve tried all of the things none of them worked for me I can’t keep up the facade and perhaps it’s because there’s not a core person on the inside who really believes they are these roles that they put on I don’t know I don’t have the answers I only have questions and I know right now interacting with people makes me feel worse telling people how I feel watching them and knowing that every little thing that they do makes me feel like they are going to leave I don’t like being on edge like that just like I don’t like being on edge at work right now when I’m on call it’s the same kind of thing being open with somebody it stresses me out to no end I don’t get as much benefit as I get negativity the desire goes away real fast because I know that I have got to wear a face in front of this person that is not really me and there’s never ever going to be a person who will accept the real me under this Vader costume they just don’t exist and they shouldn’t because why would anybody want to be with somebody like me so just let’s accept that as well you’re a horrible creature you’re a mistake you’re not supposed to be here nobody loves you and they are just not going to so get over it that’s how I feel that’s the case that’s what’s happening those are the results that’s what I’m looking at face to face all the time and I’m OK being alone I just don’t want all those pressures of having to be in relationships to apply to me because I cannot do it I’m trying I can’t and so I don’t really feel like I’m failing at it I just feel like I wasn’t designed for it and I don’t know how to OK I can’t change how I see the world I cannot be a different person that makes somebody else feel better and I cannot stay in this shit anymore these days when I know the other person doesn’t love me for real they’re just pretending to get that what they want I’m always going to think that so I gotta let that go and as far as work is concerned I don’t dream of Labor I don’t think all day and all night long how I could do so much at work and how I can contribute to the community through my job fuck a corporation they don’t give a fuck about me if I died right now they would replace me it’s not important it’s not my business it’s not my dream I don’t care I really don’t and I could work anywhere if I had to just to keep myself alive it’s not personal I’m not trying to compete with the director of nothing because I know how much of their life they have to give up for that job I know how much bullshit that they have to take in order to have that salary I know how many wet nasty dirty asses that they have to kiss and I don’t like to have kiss ass unless I’m really really high on top quality cocaine – I dunno what I’m going to do because I can’t move past middle management until I play the kiss ass game and I genuinely feel it is a waste of a life but what other alternatives are there? Selling ass? No thanks. What must the world be like for people who do not have emotions for people who do not have nervous breakdowns every 28 days for people who do not struggle with impulsivity and random wild thought trails and addictions what must the world be like to think that you’re valuable all the time to just be happy to be on the planet to be surrounded by love and affection and kindness and generosity what must that be like and why do I want to put a bullet in all of those people’s heads it’s unfair it sucks I’m dealing with it and the way I’m dealing is I’m writing it down and I’m going to just keep trying to survive it for at least another day –just get through today that’s all I really can ask of myself but I’m tired…

so the free-write rant ends.

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