It’s actually very difficult to manage, I said. I’m always the wrong thing at the wrong time. When I was only interested in sex, everybody else was on the you get married or you’re a slutty whore bandwagon, and when I was married everybody was on the down with the patriarchy kick, and whichever side of the fence I jump on, it’s not what’s in vogue. All these loose girls and women out here that you may know have family near by and if they don’t, they have a weapon, are way crazier than me, or have a disease of their own to spread. I deal in facts sir, I told him and it’s off putting so if I have to be single, what other choice do I have? Superman isn’t real.
He still didn’t understand.
I said, since I’ve been in this apt, which is nearly 3 years now, I’ve met a guy who drove me to some hood and tried to give me stolen items. Met one dude who literally tried to move in with me forcefully after one date. Met a cat who invited me to his and after sharing a blunt told me he had herpes and tried to make me stay there and sleep with him anyway which I did not. Met a dude once that I really liked and he told one of his homeboys to come to my apt while he was here thinking I was going to fuck both of them. Had I not faked an emergency I might have been hurt badly that day. You came over, everything was fun, we had a lot of sex in a short amount of time and I had to go to the hospital. The doctor said I had a UTI. Never had one before and I’ve had sex since then, and never had one again. The streets are mean to me or I’m cursed, okay? Each one of those situations could have been much worse. What would you tell your sister to do?
The only thing he could muster was Jesus Christ, which seemed inappropriate and flippant.
I’m angry now. I said, why would you say that he isn’t going to help either, is he?
Basically all this shit is why I don’t want to have casual relationships with people. Either we’re friends or not, you know? If we are friends, then we don’t need to have sex, right? Of course I’d like to have a boyfriend instead but it has to be worth my time and energy and that person has to be looking for the same thing, that way at least there’s an illusion of safety and care. This seems to be too much to ask of people in this world so I’m just doing the best I can. I don’t get any breaks, I can’t make any more drastic mistakes and I don’t get any days off. It’s why I’m tired. It’s why I have to question, everything. It’s why I have so many entertaining things in my apt for myself because more than likely, I’ll have to be in it. By myself. I’d be better off if I just accepted it but human, right?
He offered to buy me pepper spray evidently forgetting that he told me earlier he didn’t have cell service on his phone at the moment.
I decided then that smoking weed was the next necessity to cross off my To-Do List.