I am in a mood right now where
I want to talk to somebody but I don’t wanna have to pay
I don’t think it’s a moment where I will require therapy I think the talking itself is going to give me at the end of it what I needed to get by processing it
and I like the process out loud and when I do process out loud if I really did get the gist of what I needed to understand then I will dictate it to the computer or basically play the recording for the dictation and I will add it to my blog so we will see here in a minute
if this is one of those pieces that actually make the jump in that process so
First things first I love learning so much
it’s what I do for a living it’s how I like to spend my time and lately, I have been realizing that I don’t really experience boredom the way other people experience it
where they have no options mentally and physically and emotionally to continue to engage with another person because that person is stonewalling them or is basically existing on a level and plane of existence where they don’t have access so they can’t continue to engage
uhm or
there’s no one else around but themselves and so they have trouble engaging with themselves and therefore are bored so
I am consistently engaging with myself
I’m doing it right now uhm and because that currently constantly happening I’m probably more overwhelmed all the time than anything else which is why weed is so wonderful
so I don’t really ever get bored because even if I’m not doing anything I’m still thinking I’m still singing a song in my head I’m replaying an activity that happened in the past that I really feel I need to let go of like something is happening
like I’m even when I’m sleeping I’m dreaming like I’m, I’m constantly on the go I’m one of those kind of robots right so I have
off and on
you know I feel like I want to do what I’m doing right now I would just communicate with someone else or at least talk or get it out I will download a random dating app of any sort and kind like I’m not thinking about any prices or anything at this point
I don’t do a lot of research in that
I just pick one and I just whoever talks to me I talk to them and well and that’s it
it’s nothing more than that and lately, after being alone most of the time for the past two years I’ll do that random download you know maybe the past two months and then I will delete it afterwards and the reason why I’m deleting it is
because the people on it are telling me that I don’t belong there like they can’t believe that I’m on this dating app with them and that’s frustrating me because in my head I’m thinking OK wait
why is it weird that I’m here and then they will respond with you know this is not a place for nice women and I’m like, what the fuck do you mean and they’re saying like this particular app whatever it is
it is a place where it’s few and far between that you’ll meet somebody who’s eloquent and savvy and interesting and articulate and talented
uhm that’s not what they normally see and so if I’m looking for other people that are like me that I’m in the wrong spot
I need to get out of there
I’m in an alley
I am with the alley cats and I am with people who are on the prowl only
and because you know I’m interesting I better get out of there because there’s not a whole lot of interesting people there and then I’m thinking OK but you’re here
I’m here
you are talking to me and you seem cool
so I’m not a bad person and you’re not a bad person
we literally met two people that aren’t bad people and we both happen to be in this place so what’s the problem
no they say
run for the hills
get out of here
there’s only devastation and darkness in this realm
so that’s been happening to me quite a bit and today it happened again like three times in like, the first three hours of the day
where some man had said hello and then I said hello and then after a couple of conversational exchange texts the guy would be like OK
now what are you doing here
why are you single or whatever
I don’t know if this is supposed to be a compliment in some sort of way like a backhanded compliment one of those you look good today situations I don’t know what it is
uhm but what it feels like is that these people are boring and trashy and useless and worthless and all they want me to do is take a look at their dicks
and and and maybe they wanna fuck me
like this guy straight up broke it down for me he was like OK no you don’t need to be on a dating app because you’re good looking and you’re smart and you have a job and you have a car and you have money in the bank and you have degrees and you published books and you traveled the world and you know …etc, etc… he’s telling me all these things that are good things about myself and saying that I don’t need to be in that environment
because I don’t fit
so again thankfully there’s weed and I hit the weed now I’m like
OK wait a minute, what is happening
these people are so honest that they want you to know that they literally have no intentions whatsoever of being in any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone you are an outsider in this day and age if that’s what you’re looking for
and actually, I’m not that upset about it because I feel like I’ve always been an outsider in the almost five decades that I’ve been on the planet
and in every one that I have existed in
I was wrong for that era, right
so in the 70s when I existed uhm, my family made fun of me because I liked detective shit and I like to read and that was just not the thing
everybody was high back then and chilling and laid back and cool
and fun people and I was not I was sitting in a corner somewhere with my glasses on you know looking at books like Velma Dinkley and then in the 80s
when all the girls were really really cute and fun and they had boyfriends and they, you know did all this stuff
I didn’t do any of that stuff because my family was really religious so I watched musicals and wrote poetry and I spent a lot of time by myself ’cause I wasn’t allowed to go out without a chaperone so I didn’t experience the 80s right like everybody else did and then in the 90s with it being my first experience of being on my own when I could do whatever I wanted to do and not realizing at the time that I had undiagnosed BPD
I fucked everything that walked, I tasted everything that I ran across, I did everything that was ever suggested to me, I committed all sorts of crimes, I almost died a whole lot and that was not the wave at the time
I mean there was obviously a grunge element in society but most of them were doing OK
like Country Club living you know trying to move up and we’re making all this money
I wasn’t on that
at all  
I was on being a full-fledged human being that was going to die at any moment so fucking taste everything touch it feel it experience it go there and see that
I was all over it
and then in the 2000s when I think the world went more that way where basically they had caught up to me in the 90s I was a parent so while everybody was doing all these amazing things ’cause it’s the new Millennium
I was like OK bedtime and brush your teeth like I was still at a place out of step with the people that had came to the planet at the same time that I had and then in the 2010’s
same sort of thing everything is moving super fast everybody was being more risque and I was not slowing down on that, I actually became a dominatrix but I was still doing something that was unusual right
I wasn’t playing the submissive role like I want all these dudes to chase me
I was literally picking the ones that I knew were submissive and walking on their fucking backs
so and here we are in the 2020’s and I would love nothing more than coming home every night to Kal El or Henry Cavill whichever you know
I’m not picky
and just spend my time
with one person getting to know that one person you know
and that’s not even something that I ever felt when I was a married person back in the day so… but but but…
but that’s not the world
the world around me now is you better show me 52 pictures of your vagina before we even meet for coffee like everybody is selling their farts and they are, you know, Cam girls and everybody has a cash app and you can just pay a motherfucker for existing you know
and wearing something cute
and uhm so here I am
showing up in my 1950s stye outfits and combat boots sitting over here wondering about what the last book a motherfucker read you know
so I’m out of step again
and to find out now that even on dating apps I am inappropriate
because there are much more sexually focused people who to me they are repressed ’cause I did a lot of fucking three decades ago like
I don’t live for that no more ’cause uhm I’m not in the right place
but the other thing about being in the wrong place
is that I get to do what I enjoy doing a lot which is learning
I’m learning about the environment around me and I’m learning about what adaptations in my character are required for me to survive versus the ones that I need to change personally, right I mean
I do need to get better at communicating with other people
I’m just talking to myself and I guess it is weird
but I also feel like as a writer that’s a solitary sort of condition to have
you need to be alone to actually do it at any level of significance
so I understand as you know,
my father’s only child that this is going to be more of a solitary life for me than I maybe have intended or wished and having always been a step to the left with all of the fads and societal norms and rules and regulations of the people that exist on the planet at the same time as me
I feel like I need to embrace my difference a little more
and probably lean into the fact that I’m always on the outside in a way
because I feel like there’s probably other people
like me
that are different
in this kind of way
where you just always are out of step with the group
that had maybe felt suicidal at some point ’cause I know I certainly have
and if they can see since these folks are very visual
an individual
existing on the planet the best they can
outside of the circle
that maybe they will commit to being their own authentic selves
and possibly continue living a life that continues to shine for others around them too
so I guess at the end of the day
my lesson to myself
or the reason why I was saying this and the reason why it’ll probably make it to the blog is because it’s OK to be exactly who you are and if you’re on the side of the situation where you’re in the minority that even that is a worthwhile experience
and a chance to demonstrate their strength and vitality of character
and that will inspire others you may never even meet
long after you’ve ceased to be

I think that’s what I needed to say hear myself say today.


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