After Traveling 27090751426.12 Miles Around the Sun so far

As it turns out
in this particular place
my ex husband decided to compliment me on a blog post
but he didn’t like me enough to stay married to me
isn’t that funny and in this particular place
my ex boyfriend
who mind you
left his three children and went adventuring
decided during the height of the pandemic
that I was the person that he wanted to be with and brought his broke *** here
fortunately he was kicked out
and also in this particular place
the person that I thought that I loved the most romantically
who I will say
has given me exactly what he promised the day I met him
a whole lot of good memories and well this was the place
where I finally built up enough self-esteem to let him go and move on
this was the place… Where I have had all sorts of therapists
real ones
online ones
even robotic ones
and as it turned out there are so many ways that you can create balance for yourself in your environment by simply recognizing what it is you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that and I didn’t know that before I came here
I learned a lot here
I learned that just keeping your head down and trudging forward is the right thing to do when you’re in rehab or recovery but once you have healed you are going to have to walk outside of your comfort and stretch those muscles
stretch your heart
and decide where you actually have sore spots that need to continue to be healed
or need to be tested
so they can grow
I don’t have all the answers
I did not learn everything that there is to know here but in this place
by myself most of the time
for these past several years I’m going to leave this place in less than five days
loving myself a lot more than I did when I came here
and I’m grateful for that more than anything else because this entire ride I have had to spend with myself
even though my ex husband got off the ride
and the ex boyfriend wasn’t good enough to be on the ride in the first place
and the monster well we all know that as real as a monster may seem it’s only effective if it’s actually scary and not a protective mechanism for somebody who is actually pretty weak but that is neither here nor there
the point is
I’ve had good experiences here
terrible ones
I’ve had a whole lot of tears here
some pretty great sex here
I have smiled more here than I ever have where it wasn’t fake
I’ve had some good news and bad news and worse news
I have tried to be a little more patient than I normally am I’ve tried to be a little more open I’ve tried to keep myself as calm as possible and I’m looking forward to what comes next
and I know that right now it feels a little bit like fright but my body doesn’t know the difference between scared and excited so every time I get that fear feeling I’m gonna tell myself I’m excited
if I could get through all of what I’ve gotten through
who knows what wonderful exciting magnificent experiences await me
who knows what challenges are still left to overcome
and who knows all of the ways that I may be able to demonstrate and receive all sorts of external and internal forms of love from here…on out.

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