The Fuss of a Right Little Madam

I would like to say thank you to myself because I could have put myself in a really bad situation by continuing to live in an imaginary world where something had happened and a relationship existed that does not and instead of doing that this time I decided to find out whether or not I was right or wrong immediately instead of waiting for years and years pining for something that isn’t real and what I found out was the person was not interested in me on that level but on a higher level as a really good Confidant and friend and this is great for me because I know that friends last longer than people you decide to sleep with and to have someone want you to be in their life long-term is really one of the nicest and kindest expressions of a genuine respect and appreciation and although I probably would have enjoyed a good FUCK with this person that doesn’t necessarily mean that we can get along or coexist or build a family together what’s better is being invited into someone’s family without them having to penetrate you in order to allow you to stay so old me the me before me would have had a lot of alcohol after this would have listened to sad songs for hours and would have absolutely met some gorgeous man grossly inappropriate in age and did horrible despicable although consensual terrible things to him all evening and then I would have been upset at myself which would have caused me to drink more and the drinking would have caused me to gain weight hate myself and then I would be suicidal but instead I chose not to this time I chose not to put a person on a pedestal that they didn’t need to be on in my mind I chose to not allow an individual to live rent-free I chose to let a person be a person tell me what they want or not instead of trying to make them into my favorite person which I do not need because I am in a stage of life and knowledge of myself that I control and I do realize that the pattern of bad relationships that I have been that the constant in those situations has always been me I have picked the person I have made them the most important thing in my life and whatever their mood was was my mood however they felt was how I felt whatever they wanted to do was I wanted to do and that would definitely have been the case in this situation which the bullet has been Dodged now and another thing that could have gone really terribly is I could have processed it as if something was wrong with me like I wasn’t good enough I don’t deserve love and so this was why this happened and then I’d do some sort of self-harming to prove you know that of course only bad things happen to me but I don’t really feel like it’s a bad thing and so that’s has to be some sort of growth cuz at this stage of the game I feel like if you get an invitation and you decide that you’d rather not then that’s your loss and your problem and too bad on you and for shame because YOU don’t have any foresight and in that case then this is working out the way that it’s supposed to be you’re obviously not worthy and I thought you were my bad so I rescind that offer no harm no foul enjoy your motherfucking day everything is all to the G cuz I’m still great I wanted you to know I was great in a different way than you’ll get an opportunity to experience but the level that you’re on is it good one you’re still lucky that you get to know me and I’m not mad I even wanted to be mad I was mad for a second that I wasn’t mad but I’m not mad I’m actually proud of myself I did not let it Fester I did not let it become a part of me on what they decided they wanted to do I asked fucking question I got the answer I need the straight up thankfully it’s a good person now I can put them in a category that that they would like being in and I can continue on my life journey and quest in peace with myself knowing that I’m not playing some sort of secret game with somebody I’m the type of person who knows now what I deserve I’m the type of person who knows now what I’m worth and what I bring to the table and I am not going to continue to be scared for the rest of my life to find out what the situation is and just wait until somebody comes to save me cuz there isn’t any Superman and if it turns out that I meet someone who isn’t interested for whatever reason then that’s that’s not my problem it’s not nothing to do with me they’re allergic to tomatoes why would Il be mad about that I’m a juicy delicious tomato and that’s just how it has to be so good job on me I’m doing a whole lot of little things differently than I would have and the outcome on my sense of peace and well-being is incredibly better overall so I highly recommend it to anybody else who is worrying about actually putting into practice some of the strategies that you learned when you’re dealing with emotional regulation issues and there you go…

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