5 :39 AM PST Stuck on something a Senior Leader said yesterday during a work meeting that wasn’t about me directly but could have been interpreted as such, after telling myself before bed to not let other people’s words control me. Wondering if this will be a day of bleeding that I didn’t expect or if this moon cycle has ended or if I’ll be spotting all day and hoping that menopause kicks in this very moment, never mind what kind of hell it might entail- it has to be better than more blood. Deciding after dancing in my bedroom to “You’re Mine” by Phantogram to wake myself fully that I am going to document what I am thinking once an hour and see if I can come up with something, anything, to make me perhaps want to wake up yet again tomorrow…
6:44 AM PST Watching some clips on YouTube from last night’s episode of Stephen Colbert and hearing what I already know about the nonsense happening in our government in joke form so its palatable. I swept all of my rooms, one is never done sweeping and when I sweep I think about people I used to love and places I used to live and think about what I’m grateful for but how sweeping is never really done. I stood in the closet trying to decide what to wear today and determined I’m working from home I’m truly scattered and opted for my Tuxedo teeshirt and probably basketball shorts. I’ve made some tea and put on footie socks and unfollowed a bunch of people not following me on Twitter and I know I always won’t feel good and special and helpful and loved and right but I guess, it’s good to feel something- but how would I know, I haven’t died yet…
7:49 AM PST It’s dark in the room. I have two laptops open, one on the coffee table and one on my lap. The room smells of cannabis and nicotine smoke and incense. I’m in my pajamas, hair tied in a skull scarf, sipping tea and feeling the start of hunger pangs or possibly just thirst. And I’ve been sent a message from my boss about some meeting bullshit that really could wait until I’m actually on the clock but he’s two hours ahead and it’s on his mind- but I delve deep into the problem with the weed and the problem is there is no emotion behind this project we are working on and there needs to be some or why do it? I’m going to work that into the presentation somehow. Do I really want to wear a Tuxedo shirt?
8:39 AM PST I think I forgot to set the timer for this hour, but I know it’s time to get to work so I am going to comment now on the hour which is one that I spent high, watching RuPaul Drag Race clips of Grand Entrances and it made me laugh but also be exuberantly human for a few seconds and changed my mind and opted for the black skull tee shirt I wore when I was riding ATVs in the Dominican Republic last month and I’ll just make my own grand entrance on the computer cameras when I meet with my team later. Everything is for the cameras, isn’t it? Our whole existence, looking at shit and trying to find it in ourselves. I thought this hour about thinking instead of doing, I even felt a lot of shame and pain for wanting to share an entire day of mine from start to finish on the internet, like why am I writing it down? Why am I so desperate for someone somewhere somewhen to read anything that I have written down at all? The incense I’m burning calms me. My water is cold. I have taken enough photos of myself, which will embarrass me when I look through them later, but one should be good enough to attach to this post. I hope.
10:01 AM PST I set my alarm to post at 9 something but I got into creating a work document and enjoyed that state of flow- it is so hard to stay in, I wander out aimlessly all the time thinking about nothing, and why nothing, and why I’m here, and if I should be a cannibal and why not. I feel like I am dressed too casually and may pop on a red sweater when I have to be on camera. I like my work. Maybe today won’t be so miserable. But why am I so much less miserable when I’m alone? When I’m writing out my shitty thoughts about my shitty little life. I’ve had 16 grapes, a bowl of sliced peaches, and 10 garlic almonds for breakfast. I didn’t feel like cooking. I’m restricting my calories. Like life isn’t hard enough. But I haven’t quit smoking because quietly, fuck it all really. I guess I should but ultimately I will have to because I’ll be dead. And then, I’ll have quit everything including the bane of my existence, worrying and complaining. I worry about myself the most.
10:53 AM PST It’s a few minutes until my staff meeting and I have to pee. I want alcohol and tons of it. Particularly my favorite thing to consume, beer. Ugh, beer is so good. It isn’t, for me in particular because there are too many hormonal side effects that are causing physical disfigurement and pain at this point and yet I still want it. I am a stupid robot. I can’t even make myself stop wanting it all I can do is prevent myself from having it. The work jazz in the background is keeping me a bit high. I’m okay. Lame, but okay. And I’ve got to pee.
12:19 PM PST Had a quick impromptu chat with my boss. If he gets new directions, then so do I. I like working with him. He’s like a little baby unicorn fairy. Adorable. I can’t like him too much though, I tend to put people I like on pedestals and then hate myself when I cannot be them or behave the way that they do genuinely. I’m having some tea and water. I probably should eat soon but I want a big fat burger that I can’t have. I thought my meeting was earlier than it is so I have on this blasted sweater and for what, it’s not for another hour. I’ve spent the hour doing something creative, writing of course, and trying to sell the staff on the company with every word. It’s delicious fun and feels kinda devilish in a way. Influence and manipulation are married and they live in the ‘burbs. I should probably masturbate, then eat, fix my makeup, smoke, and get ready for this call. I stress over the tiniest of nothings.
1:55 PM PDT I keep forgetting it’s PDT and not PST. Not the end of the world. The meeting went okay, my boss acts like he needs the biggest hug, or perhaps that is just how I perceive him. He crossed my mind when I was using my vibrator and that couldn’t be controlled. It’s not my fault that he looks like the type, my type, my tricky icky sticky type. I’m okay with not messing this up. Most of the major things I need to accomplish today I have done. I probably should go outside even if it is only to check the mail. I probably should do a lot of things. Let’s see what I get done.
2:47 PM PDT Super hungry. Watching The Official After Show of The Sandman Series. Such a big fan of Death in the comics and how she was portrayed on the show. She’s the kinda Death I’d like to meet, especially if it is only going to happen once. It’s funny I was reading somewhere about my personality pattern and how it is set to seek out people who are doing what I can do, and doing it well so I don’t have to, so I can place myself under the safety of their wing but also be shielded from their failures and ultimately the things I was looking for in other people are in me and simply need to be developed instead of seeking them from others and I wonder if that also manifests itself in the kind of characters I like, Darth Vader, Superman, Death…perhaps I’m not using the dark energy I am drawn to, or the leadership or the kindness that I look for in characters to enjoy that is within me in ways to help me or others… is that why I write all of this down? Is becoming your whole self a selfish act and if it is then is selfishness even bad? Isn’t it necessary? There are microwaveable White Castle sliders in the freezer that a previously high version of me bought. Guess I’m onto those…will I exceed my own caloric restrictions?
3:55 PM PDT Checked in with my kid as I do on Thursdays. In the afternoon we send each other a text message about the art or person or experience that has kept us going throughout the week. His was a video game. Mine comics on TV. Plus it gives me an excuse to check on him and know that he is okay and it is a fun way to relate. Even if he hates it, he obliges which is very loving. It is always so funny to me that he’s my child and seems to be a decent human even though one of the people he came from struggles with decency. My boss is helping me make connections within the org which I appreciate or else I wouldn’t do it. Sometimes I wonder if I’m already dead. How would I know?
4:57 PM PDT My work day is technically done, I’ve put my hair in my favorite skull scarf and had more tea. I’ve no answers for anything and for all the questions that I could answer I did my best. I’m grateful that other than myself I hurt no one today and a few people can say that I helped them even if it wasn’t life-changing. The mid-day THC mint was a good idea- I don’t know when it kicked in or wore off but I’ve been calm. Calm for me.
5:39 PM PDT I set an alarm on my phone to stop whatever I’m doing and finish this post at the same time I started it, 12 hours later. It was a normal, if there is such a thing, day today. Catastrophes, sure, everywhere, fires, chaos, and pain but I breathed and survived another one. I don’t know what I have written here because I’ve not read it back yet and in all of the empty spaces I’ll see who I really am, or who I was today, and feel grateful, probably that I can write it down, I have got a place to sleep, food, and a lot of things that shouldn’t be that big of a deal except it is and who says we have to be here at all and nobody deserves anything from anybody really. And who knows how long it lasts. The sea burps and moves and nothing jumps out sometimes. These are the parts we forget between big loves and big ambitions and big accomplishments and failure but these moments are when we are, whoever it is we are. And maybe that’s why I need to share it. So I can see who I truly am when I finally get to read it back…