There’s the maintenance now and the advice
you should try this vitamin
the mnemonic devices for remembering distress tolerance skills
something else I wanted to say but I’m compelled still
to let some words free even if they weren’t the originals
get the vitamin for strong hair and teeth
eat more fish instead of red meat
are you walking? are you stretching? are you getting enough sleep?
are you feeling what you’re feeling and you know so because of the naming?
Can’t drink that, can’t go there, can’t stay out that late
Can’t control this, can’t control that, everything is now nothing can wait
I’m tired and I don’t want to do none of this shit
and it’s slowly coming back to me
lost it again friend and this time perhaps indefinitely
they say if its really opposite action then you’ve also got to believe
and I thought actions were louder than words but apparently not as loud as what I think
I’m doing what they tell me, for the most part as much as I can tolerate
there’s a darkness I can’t integrate
haven’t met anyone I could stand as of late
a part of me exists that wants to keel over, be done with it, lay down
a part that doesn’t think anything is right or wrong ‘cept being forced to stick around
and if she dies, that part, who will I even be
will I have a necessity at that point for writing
I’d feel differently if for once the monster contacted me
and will my eyes glaze over because I won’t be able to see the madness anymore?
I’ll be a dusty jack hammer in the corner like the rest of them by the door
living and useless out of touch and clueless
I don’t know if I can do this shit
the emotion has something to do with my creativity

I never gave a fuck about being young and no one has ever thought I was pretty

regardless of what they’ve said to me
there she is, she is speaking
hatefully anxiously desperately
I am comforted by what they would call mistreating me
their goal is to live forever coifed and shaved
mine is to end when the writing does
and be alive only on the page
I’ve loved him and lost him as they say
so now its micellar water, cabbages and exercising every fucking day
because false god forbid I stop looking this way


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