I have got to let closure happen today and I’m obviously struggling with it a little bit because I’ve been holding on to him for so long even though I have put him on a shelf in my mind the thing is he still has a shelf and he should not have a shelf anymore and a new hire started at my company recently with the same first name as him and that has had my mind scurrying all over the place every time I hear it an image of my version rears itself and I’m lost in a fog remembering and pretending all over again- I didn’t know how deeply it went I understood that when it is cycle time for me the only image that pops to mind of someone to mate with is him and that didn’t seem too unusual to me he was my favorite person and then I noticed that because I think about him monthly it isn’t something I’m doing on purpose I don’t know if it’s a cycle or just random but it wasn’t like I was writing it on the calendar to remember him every month and when I do think of him I always think I hope he’s well you know I hope things are going good I hope somebody is choking him of course but I also hope he’s having a good life and today it was just an overwhelming thought of him in which normally when I have them I’m about to be on cycle week and since I’m not it puzzled me like it must be deeper than that and when I’ve ever felt like this in the past I would find a way to reach out to him because I would feel like I was the person that he needed to speak to in order to continue to be okay and in those instances where I did reach him he said something similar- or something to that effect and of course he did why wouldn’t he you know but it didn’t mean anything and it never lasted and eventually We Were Strangers again every time as we’re supposed to be I believe that is the next step for us I just haven’t let it happen fully yet and so today when I got the urge instead of creating another profile for myself so that I could speak to him I just looked him up and as it turns out on his social media he now has a photo of himself with a young lady and they look like they match and he had a big smile one of the ones I actually have rarely ever seen on his face he looked genuinely happy he was showing entirely too much teeth to be faking that moment his eyes looked calm he looked satisfied and I want that for him I want it for me I wanted it for the both of us together for a really long time and I also did not want it because I thought I don’t deserve it and I thought he could do better and this young lady doesn’t look like she’s better than me in any capacity but he looks happy and that’s kind of the key to the whole thing and it sent me into tears completely crying right now I’m not jealous or envious of the situation or her in particular mad that after all this time I haven’t found anybody to fill that void and it’s because partially that I’ve been secretly quietly hanging on to the hope of him in some way really pushing anybody that isn’t like him away and particularly looking for people that are like him to manipulate and it dawned on me that that isn’t love and he knew that.
So what is one thing I can do to make right now better?
Delete all the stuff.
Somebody told me that when I was truly ready to let him go I would delete everything all the videos and pictures and songs and poems, I would throw it all away and move on. That’s hard as an artist myself throwing away those things feels like a betrayal to every medium, I feel like I need proof, that someone will one day need to see who I could pull and how I used to move but see that’s just insecurity. I ain’t got shit to prove to anybody. That image of her and him will be forever stuck in my head now like bad porn. I’m sad but I’m glad I saw it. I can’t ignore it. If there’s a somebody for anybody there is a somebody for me and maybe instead of worrying about it so much I can remember that I can just pick anybody and love them, everybody deserves it if anybody does, especially the most villainous amongst us, like myself for example. It’s not guaranteed to anybody and if I loved him at all, I would want him to be happy with whomever and I feel like that is true. I told him when I spoke to him last that I had let him go but I hadn’t really, I have only been inching farther away as possible and now, perhaps I can truly sever from myself what I have been holding onto that has never really ever served me in the first place.
Now, wipe your face off silly billy and let’s see what’s next….
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 