Something Lorenzo Wrote
Again
By Lorenzo
Preparing myself for betrayal my friends.
A bit premature, but it’ll soon be evident.
Maybe all I am is simply lacking in faith.
Well, guess we’ll see what gravity says.
Didn’t run all this way to sit up and debate
yet here we are, & only fashionably late.
This is a conversation I wasn’t ready to have again,
but my self-conscience does seem to be adamant.
Suppose I’ll ride out my pride until the bitter end
unless something better ends up claiming deference.
Been pushing for a while but it’s still too early to tell.
There’s no furnishings in hell besides flames & a cell
but look at me avoiding it exceptionally well.
At least for the moment – just look at the legacy built.
Look at my life spinning in circles again.
Inhaling bud with a hint of purple & then
writing out entire texts only to not hit send.
Eh, fuck it. Guess I’m feeling fertile again.
Destroying my life with these self-destructive tendencies.
Keeping a pen on me at all times, in case it comes in handy.
Ma’am, I’ll take a whiskey, & please make it complimentary.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, plus my additional amenities.
I guess I’ll end another night drinking like a bitch again.
Never been the type of guy to spar with friends.
Bare my soul for a perpetually starving audience
& hope some is left when I part ways with them.
A drink for the people I’ve met who’ve entered my life & inspired me greatly.
A toast for an attempt to connect with the humans who been beside me lately.
Thankful I still have a voice to project.
Impossible to avoid the fact I’m too blessed.
Overflowing with both love & utmost respect.
Full of promise & ya boy’s not done yet.
Never that.
Fun Fact: Because it feels so good for Taz to be around Lo, she often becomes overconfident and let’s the positivity of his energy cause her to act conceited, entitled and arrogant and he knows his presence expands her capacity to embrace these traits effortlessly.
2010, When Lorenzo was 16
Charles, Defending Midfielder of the Tipp City Red Devils Soccer Team brushes past Lorenzo heading toward the school’s parking lot and whispers, “Next year, we’re varsity.” He winks at Lorenzo, “So if Katie wants you all of sudden you can have her. I’m finished.” Charles laughs pulls out his car keys and bursts through the end of the corridor double doors outside and screams “Whoo!” before running into the sunlight toward his loud matte Red Audi R8 he’d received as a present for getting his driver’s license on the first try. He was such an ancient 90’s teen comedy cliché to Lorenzo. His parents would never find out that Lorenzo had taken the written portion of that test for Charles unless he needed to share that bit of leverage sometime in the future. Lorenzo rolls his eyes and finishes cleaning out his locker. As everyone is heading home for the summer, kids are screaming and laughing and high fiving as they get each other’s numbers and promise to keep in touch over the break around him and he doesn’t even notice. Mostly girls from all grades stop and say goodbye to him on their way out, a few say they will see him in Church summer camp, some hand him notes they had written at the beginning of the year expressing their love and walk away quietly in near tears. He was so interested in Katie up until now and he was hoping he didn’t run into her before he was finished cleaning. He really wanted to get a job this summer so he could have a little money to hang out with his friends, but it was going to be a battle trying to convince Grandma Linda to let him work. According to her there was already a plan for him. He’d go get a scholarship to play for The Ohio State Buckeyes Men’s Soccer team, lead the church youth group like his older sister had, get a business degree so he could run the Nerezza Foundation, get married, have 2 perfect kids and then eventually after running their church for the rest of his life join the Council of Bishops or something. She didn’t see a professional Soccer Team
in his future. She didn’t see him becoming a musician or teacher or anything other than what she had planned, and she didn’t have a problem telling him and everyone else in the family so. Getting a part time job this summer was not a part of her plans, so he was really going to have to think of a good reason for him to be allowed to do so. Having some spending money of his own was more important than dumb ass Charles and the Varsity team. And it was starting to become more important than Katie as well. His mother really didn’t care what he did even though she had the best intentions. She always said he was so pretty and perfect and that she was so happy that he looked the way that he did. Sometimes she would cry just staring at him, deep into his blue eyes and he knew that at those times, she missed Dad. He felt like that might be why Grandma Linda was so hard on him, because her own son didn’t follow her plan. Dad was great to Lorenzo he recalled, they just didn’t spend any time together. As soon as he explained to the family that he had to leave because he was gay, none of them ever wanted to talk to him again. Lorenzo thought he was still useful. He still knew how to navigate these ridiculous family members and could give advice. Lorenzo never told his mother or anyone for that matter that he had kept in touch every now and again with his father and he just didn’t see any reason to ruin things for himself because of it. As he packed up his cleats and closed his locker to leave school for the break then Allison, who was technically considered the prettiest girl at school according to all the locker room talk, and a shoe in for next year’s Prom Queen if she’d stop acting so holier than thou, didn’t wave goodbye to Lorenzo although all the cackling girls around her did. She didn’t even look up from her phone. She had once been Katie’s protégé, coming to all the games and Katie even convinced her to try out for cheerleading but she opted to join the gospel choir instead. Everybody seemed to love her but the only thing she seemed to love was Jesus. And her iPhone. She’d post all these girly positive messages on Facebook and photos of her choir traveling around doing charity throughout Ohio before and after their concerts. She even started leading the church Sunday school youth singing program. Her long red hair was so wavy and distinctive, nobody else looked like her. She looked like a foreign exchange student although she wasn’t, and they had grown up together in the same circles their whole lives. She did have a job though, at the city Library after school Lorenzo thought maybe Allison could get him in if he asked her the right way. Girls were tricky as his communication with Grandma Linda and his mother informed him. Some of them like to be tickled with sweet words, and some of them liked to do the tickling.
“Hey Alli,” Lorenzo yelled after her and her friends. “Hold on a sec…” The girls opened up their circle to let him in all smiles and giggles. “Good Games this year Renzie,” They were saying, “And your hair is so cute today, Renzie” It almost sounded like white noise. He made sure to acknowledge each of them by brushing his hair out of his face, or nodding, or half smiling, winking or nudging them. In order for them to be controlled by him they each had to feel special or needed by him for some reason. Acknowledgement was the first step in ruling. Especially women.
Allison looked up from her phone, her eyes seemed so clear though and focused and it was almost as if she were staring through him, not in a mean way but like she could see what was really inside and wasn’t going to waste her time saying anything about it. This made Lorenzo nervous, and he didn’t like being nervous. He’d normally planned out every interaction with people that he had ever had, from start to finish, but with Allison, it was always off the top of his head and never actually worked out how he hoped. This was mostly because, he didn’t have any dirt on her.
“ Hey.” He said to her.
“ Hey.” Allison said back.
For a second it seemed like the volume got turned down on everyone else leaving around him and he scooted in closer to her. Her shampoo or whatever it was that she was putting in her hair was so strong that he almost didn’t like it. It was too sweet. Grandma Linda liked Allison though and that was important to remember.
“Are you still going to work at the Library this summer?” He asked. He was so much taller than her that he could if he leaned in a little closer, see right down her shirt. So, he stepped back.
“Uh yeah I think so, why?”
Just then Katie came around the corner. She was wearing a tight black tank style dress and white thigh high socks. Every curve was amplified. She piled her blonde curly hair on top of her head in a messy very sexy knot and when she saw the two of them talking she stopped, folded her arms under her breast and started to stamp her foot. Allison looked back down at her phone, pretty much disinterested in all of her surroundings. She had started fumbling with her pockets trying to find her headphones. Until she saw Katie.
“Renzie!” Katie said, “I have been looking all over this stupid school for you. Are you ready to go or what, let’s get outta here.” It looked as if she had been crying. So, I guess, Charles must have officially broken it off with her and as a way to get back at him, she must have said she had a crush or something on Lorenzo he figured. He simply didn’t want her anymore in this moment and he had so desperately before. Before, Katie was unattainable, no matter what Lorenzo did, she treated him like he was an annoying little brother. Now she was going to give him a ride home and probably everything he ever wanted. But Lorenzo noticed how Allison was looking at Katie. It was the same way he looked at Katie.
“Hold on Allison, don’t leave okay?”
Lorenzo walked toward Katie who was popping gum and looking like the one white girl extra in a rap music video.
“I’ve got so much to tell you,” Katie said, rubbing Lorenzo’s chest with her yellow triangular nails, “you won’t believe it, Renzie, you really won’t.”
Lorenzo grabbed her hand and pushed it away. “You won’t tell me anything I don’t already know. Cute dress. Too long though. Listen, I’ve got to help Allison out with something, the girl is practically retarded and then I’ll catch up with you outside, cool?”
“Hey I have some weed in the car so I can just go roll up and if you hurry up Renzie… you can see how good this dress looks on the floor.”
“You’ll do whatever I tell you to do.” Lorenzo said to Katie but looking at Allison.
“Probably right. Hurry up!” Katie replied.
Katie waved at Allison and left. Allison blushed. Lorenzo had never seen that on her before.
“So…do you have to work at the Library?” Lorenzo asked, feigning genuine interest.
“I mean, no I don’t have to, I just like to.. it’s fun reading to the little kids…”
“Yeah, that is fun, did you know that Katie has a crush on you?”
“What? Me? Why? How, OMG.” Allison put her phone and headphones in her pocket. She was smiling and scratching her forehead, so beautiful, looking confused and taking glances at the door as the last kids filtered out. Her shampooed hair smell was becoming nauseating for him.
“She literally just told me. We’re going over to her house to hang out for a while, if you want to come.”
“No, I probably, shouldn’t uhm, I’ve got..”
“Hey, nobody cares, dude. Live your life. God loves you either way it goes right?” Lorenzo softly
punched her in the arm.
“Yeah but, I’m not, like into girls or anything I don’t uh, think, this is so wild, I’m not sure what to say…”
“I told her that is what you would say but she said she could tell. I dunno, listen, come with us anyway, I need help applying for a job at the Library and since you work there you can do my application for me.”
“Help you with it, you mean.”
“Yeah, that’s what I said. Now I do have to ask you a sensitive question…I do smoke pot sometimes, do they like check for that at your job?”
“You do? Wow Lorenzo, I’m learning all sorts of new things about you today. They didn’t check me, like a drug test you mean right? No, I don’t think so…”
“You smoke?” Lorenzo asked, walking toward the door and making Allison follow in order to continue the conversation.
“I mean, I’ve never had a chance to try to do anything like…”
“Then it’s settled.” Lorenzo said, putting Allison’s notebooks in his bag. “Come with me, I really like you a lot and I think we are going to have the best summer ever…you in?”
Allison scrunched her face up and forgot about whatever she was doing before this conversation. As girls were giggling and leaving and flirting with Lorenzo as the school emptied, he ignored all of them and stared directly at her. She felt like she would disappoint him if she said no.
So she didn’t.
Fun Fact: Taz feels provoked by Lo and overreacts to him even if he has done nothing to illicit this kind of violent response. The Relationship is deep, complex, stimulating and charged- it’s never superficial. It’s never boring.
2010, When Tazmin was 35
Tazmin knew that she had been out of George’s line of sight for too long already. There would be a text from him in about 30 seconds and she would have to go find him. He would never come and look for her. She tried to drink as many whiskeys on the rocks as she could consume whenever he wasn’t present; fortunately, in Las Vegas casinos if you are playing, a waitress comes around every 15 minutes or so to take your order, and so far, not one has ever told her in all of the years that she has lived there, that she had been cut off and wasn’t going to be served anymore. Tazmin always tipped well. The servers didn’t care and neither did she anymore. The more alcohol she could consume, the easier it was to deal with George. No matter what she did, it was always a no win situation. Moving left or right, it bothers George in some way- and he had no problem letting her know that- there was no way to please him and at this stage in her life no way to leave him. George convinced her a few years ago to let him move in with her and all they did was fight. He would leave, and then come up with a ridiculous reason to return like he had a court case in her town and needed a place to stay, or his car had broken down at the casino around the corner, all the most stupid reasons and she would let him in, again. After all this living with her, Tazmin did decide to leave and to make it much easier for the single mother, George said she could move in with him and not have to pay any rent. Very difficult offer to pass up when you’re divorced, from 2000 miles away from an estranged family full of Jesus freaks, and underemployed. George made living with him a psychological hell and as soon as he was liquored up all he did was pick on Tazmin and her son- insulting them and ranting about how fucked up the world was and how no one could see it clearly more than he could. George had never needed to hold a job down in his entire life. When he had met Tazmin online a few years earlier, he was 26 and she was 29, he told her after a couple of nights together that he’d volunteered once or twice but his parents, especially his mother’s Jewish family, was filled with entrepreneurs, doctors, lawyers, inventors, executives and plenty rich con artists, and real estate flippers. And none of them, not a one that Tazmin had met so far liked George. He was gorgeous, his mother a blonde blue eyed Jewish lady and his father, a strong jawed, tall dark skinned black guy gave him an exotic complexion, soft large curly hair, that jaw and light eyes- no matter where he went he was complimented on his appearance, even though he dressed like a bum and very rarely if ever, showered. He thought that he was god which was the best way to explain it, but why wouldn’t he, he’d never had to graduate from high school, never had to get a job, never had to pay a bill or learn how to write a check. That last one, he learned from Tazmin herself. George’s mother had offered her a condo and 3000 a month to just stay George’s girlfriend. At a family gathering the previous year she had pulled Tazmin aside and told her directly, “I wouldn’t care if you were a crack head or a prostitute. You cannot leave him. If you do, he will just come back home, and I don’t want to deal with him. You have to stay. Whatever you want okay, just stay.” Tazmin misunderstood all of this from the start- she thought that she was coming up from the world she came from, by scoring a younger, hot, rich guy to take care of her and her son and without her having to spin any of her own money- which would give her time enough to amass enough to take care of her and her son by herself in somewhere amazing like San Diego. But for now, they were stuck in Vegas, in between jobs, living in a house with a man whose name was on the lease but didn’t pay a single bill, and who had isolated them from their friends and family with his insults and inability to even have normal social interactions with people, trying to save to eventually get away.
Times’ up.
The text came, and it said where are you, fucking a bartender? It was followed by a picture of a slot machine and George’s leg. This was the beckon. Instead of him calling and saying where he was, she had to follow this picture to find is illiterate ass. He really was worried that she was fucking someone else at any length of time she was out of his sight. Before they had officially started dating, when he was pretending he was gay, Tazmin still liked him and stupidly would tell him about all of her affairs with other men, and even had other men in her apartment while he was there. As soon as they started dating, he made it a point to bring up the fact that’s he was like this before they had gotten together, so what would make her change her ways? She just had a whore’s spirit. That should have been enough to prevent her from becoming serious with him, but it wasn’t. He didn’t hit her and to her, that would have been unacceptable. But someone insulting her, which she was used to, didn’t seem so bad, the first couple of years. But now it was getting old. Now she was drinking whiskey every time they came to any casino, and they went to a different casino every day, anywhere between Vegas and Los Angeles, whenever he felt like it, whenever he wanted to, day or night. Tazmin was spending a lot of time wondering what it would feel like to kill him; replaying scenes in her head from her favorite movies where the bad guy got his comeuppance; and she wondered if she could even get away with it since there is no such thing as a perfect crime. Sometimes she thought maybe he knew she was thinking of murdering him, which is why he tried to desperately to keep her emotionally off balance- if she was feeling sorry for herself, how could she act on the rage that she was feeling for him?
After finding him on the edge of the casino in the corner, she sat down at the slot machine next to him, put a dollar in the machine, her last dollar and played one cent. She could only ever play one cent games when she sat next to him, or he would talk about how she wasn’t paying any bills and she should never gamble more money than he did. This is why whenever she wasn’t playing next to him, she was making max bets in the hope of escaping him and getting extremely drunk in case she wasn’t able to. There was always poison. There were all sorts of poisons in the apartment that she could sneak into his food. He wasn’t that bright at all.
“Any luck?” George asked without looking at her. “Not like you’d tell me right, if your dumb ass had won, I know you’d be gone by now.” Then there was suffocation. She was heavier than him and if he were sleeping, she could restrain his arms on either side of the bed, put a pillow on his face and just sit on top of his fat, fucked up head until he stopped moving. Might seem like he choked in his sleep.
She took a cigarette out of her jacket and a lighter and started to smoke. She hit the play button, which she had to hit slowly because she only had 98 games left. Usually when George called her to him, he was drunk enough to want to talk or insult her for hours and nearly ready to drunkenly drive the streets of Vegas to find something to eat- probably Del Taco or Weinerschnitzel. He hated going anywhere fancy because he said it was classist and it made him feel like he was dumb. He was dumb, Tazmin thought to herself. She knew it was best not to respond to him when he was talking to her and she needed at least one more whiskey to play this little game with him all night.
“Hey dummy, win anything?”
Tazmin shook her head no.
“Been out flirtin’ then?”
Tazmin hit the play button hard and made no other response.
“Nobody would flirt with you, you look like a whore. They know it’s gonna cost them! Ha ha ha.”
Tazmin smoked her cigarette, smashed the one cent play button as an uncontrollable single tear came down her cheek. She was mad at the tear. She wished it had fallen from her right eye- instead of her left. George was sitting to her left and he noticed everything. There was no point in wiping it away.
“What’s wrong with you dummy? Allergic to the truth? You know you’re a whore, you should actually consider it. Might make us some money so we can buy our own food. Finally, we get to eat some steak.”
Tazmin wiped the tear and the waitress arrived with 2 Coors Lights. George had ordered a beer for her, because he knew he was ready to have this insult Tazmin show. Fuck. Tazmin thought.
“Get your beer, let’s go. I’m not tipping.” George said. He got up and moved to a new section still on the fringe area of the casino where it wasn’t crowded.
She took her 78 cent out of the machine and moved next to him. Maybe she could just get a gun and shoot him. At least for once his mouth would not be moving.
“ I bet you’re mad huh?” He spoke. “Mad you got stuck with me. Huh? Don’t you know I’m the best there is? I’m Better than any other man in the whole world. You actually got lucky, I’m the greatest. And you think you’re slumming don’t you cause you’re so smart and you went to college and you’re a good writer. I could be a writer, its not that hard. If you can do it anybody can do it.
Tell you what, you should write a book for me like a ghost writer. I can tell you what to say because you’ll mess it up otherwise. We could be rich. Whaddaya say, dummy?”
She didn’t know why she said it, but it must have been the whiskey.
You can’t even spell, Tazmin responded.
“I don’t fucking need to know how to spell, that’s why I have you for, HaHaHa you can be my human typewriter, and do something useful. Easier than having to lay on your back, right? But that’s what you really want isn’t it? Some 17 year old boy to fuck. You like them little kids dontcha? Your son is going to be a psycho you know that right? He’s so fucking gay, he’s like the gayest psycho kid I ever fucking met. We need to lock our bedroom door at night, I’m sure one night if we don’t he’s gonna come in with a knife and kill us both, hahaha you know his father doesn’t love him because he is gay right? No gay guy who is in the closet wants a gay kid, I’m trying to tell you, and his dad, come on, he is completely gay. He’d have to be to not know you’re kinda of a crazy slut. Surprised your tits aren’t hanging out for once”
A male server came around asking if people wanted cocktails. He came to Tazmin’s side of the machines, and she asked for 2 Coors Light and a whiskey. The man bent down close to her and said say again please? The casino was loud, and he could barely hear her. She repeated her order to him, and he looked at her and smiled and walked away.
George said “That fucker likes you huh? You like him? You wanna fuck him? He is cute. And young, like you like them. When he comes back you should ask for his number, see if you can actually make some money tonight. You’re getting old you better start now before your kid kills us.
“Stop talking about my son, George, please.”
“ Or what? What are you going to do? You’re not going to do shit. Tell your little boyfriend when he comes back with our drinks? What’s he gonna do? Nobody likes you, nobody is going to come to save you. Hahaha you chose to be with me, now you don’t want to? Oh, I know about your little plans to leave, I saw the note you left your kid. You don’t think I saw the note you wrote him about you guys only living off of me for 2 more years or something and then you would have enough money to leave? Ha I saw it. I see everything. I know everything? Do you know who I am? Hahaha, you wanna leave, leave. Go now. What are you even waiting on? It’s not like I want you. I could find me a cute little cocktail waitress to fuck with if I wanted to. I can fuck anybody in here. All these chicks want me, you don’t see that? Ha. Go then. Leave you fat bitch. You think you’re better than me and you’re not. Get outta here dummy, go be with someone else. Go be the whore you really want to be deep down. You’re fucking crazy, why are you still here? You hate me so much, leave. You can’t. Your family don’t want you. Your son’s father doesn’t want you they all know you’re crazy. You even look crazy. Ugh. Nobody has ever bothered to tell you before because they just wanted to fuck you because you have big titties and a fat ass, You know people only like you because you have big titties, right? Nobody really likes you. You look crazy.
An elderly gentleman, playing slots alone across form George and Tazmin had overheard every insult. He was dressed in robes almost like some sort of religious monk from the east. He came around to George’s side of the slot machine bank and said, “Excuse me sir, but I have listened to you berate this woman loudly for nearly an hour. Can you please stop this? None of what you are saying needs to be heard in this casino.”
Tazmin started bawling. The fact that this man, who looked like he had 10 wives that he regularly beat was so offended by George’s comments that he came to her defense.
“Get the fuck outta my face, man, you don’t know what kind of horrible shit she does to me, shut up don’t tell me what to say to her, you don’t know how she tortures me you don’t even know her, get away from me.”
Tazmin drank her beer, his and the whiskey while he argued with the man, played her last 34 cent and wiped her tears. She got up and touched George on the shoulder.
“Come on, let’s go, please.” She said in a soft voice as if she was on George’s side in the argument with the man, or else he would not stop and the police would be called, again.
“yeah, let’s get the fuck outta here babe, people in this world are so fucking rude, let’s go get something to eat, hey I know its 8 hours from here but let’s go to Portillo’s down by Anaheim. Your brat’s asleep and we’ll be back before he gets up. Plus, he’s got food in the house. Gimmie the keys. You still got the keys, or did you give it to your little Muslim boyfriend back there with his old ass, did you see that guy? He so wanted to fuck you.” The problem with killing George is that it could only happen once.
Tazmin didn’t mention it but if he wasn’t going to die by her hand, she was going to have to leave him behind and soon and never allow herself to be abused in this way for any reason again by anyone.
Fun Fact: Taz and Lo look to one another as some sort of leader, boss or authority. They feel obligated to one another when they don’t want to. They magnify each other’s insecurities and it’s not personal, it’s just what happens every full moon.
Buy one today, whaddya say? https://books2read.com/u/mZr1Q5
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 