The First Part of Lorenzo and Tazmin’s Nearly Final Conversation in 2022
They both logged into a messenger app waiting for the other to type something that day, even if they didn’t know it.
Lo: I miss you. You pop into my head often. I desperately want to ask you to come see me, but I know that is selfish of me. Lots of things I want to say to you. Do with you.
(Lorenzo unsent a message)
Taz: I want to come see you, you know that. But even more than that I don’t want to be the kind of person that you regret knowing. You being the best you that you can be in this fucked up world is dope. I’ll always feel that way Lo, even if we never act on our impulses. Sometimes I think we’ve been able to keep the desire alive for so long because we resist it. What you resist, persists.
Lo: I don’t regret knowing you. You’re the only person I think about from my old life. Come see me.
Taz: It’s your old life for a reason sweetheart. If I did come we’d just be going around in circles. If I can’t actually have you, knowing you’re doing well is plenty for me.
Lo: (Sends a mirror selfie from his bathroom where he is clearly naked but he is standing in front of a sink shelf so only his torso, which is showing his perfect abs and chest hair and perfect v formation where only his arms and face are tanned) It’s my old life because you’re in another state.
There’s been so many times when I’ve just wanted to tell you what’s going on, or just wanted to lay in your arms. I’ve tried to message you, but I couldn’t find a way.
Taz: Fuck. Holy Shit. You look incredible. Way to go, Lo.
Lo: Literally my first sexual thought today about you was wanting to go down on you. Then followed some other stuff. But that was the first one. Shows growth. (wink emoji)
Taz: I moved away for you. I don’t understand why you haven’t grasped that yet. I might have overreacted, but I think we would have destroyed one another back then. I was supposed to be the adult right, I know I did the right thing, look at you. Good Lord. And I still think when you’re 30 then I’m not the bad guy anymore. But I can’t see the future, even though I pretend I can.
Lo: I appreciate you. But things changed because of me. Because I had a drastic turning point in my life. I truly believe that would have happened whether or not you were here.
Lo: Texting doesn’t do any of this justice. All I want is for us to have a day together.
Taz: My birthday is next month… of course I do have that day off… I’m not suggesting anything, just saying.
Lo: You deserve a good birthday present. Not suggesting anything, just saying.
Taz: I don’t know if I’m ready to have a day with you. It would be easy for me to fall into an old pattern and try to keep you, trick you into staying with me like a black widow spider or something…and to be honest, I’m afraid. I kinda don’t want there to be a last time I see you. Its hard to explain through text.
Lo: And it’d be easy for me to fall into the old pattern of tricking you into making me stay with you. I don’t submit to people anymore. That’s not a thing I do. It’d only be you.
Taz: I don’t want anybody to submit to me anymore except for you.
Lo: I can’t help but want to be your princess.
Taz: Nobody else is good enough to do so, sadly.
Lo: I feel the same about you.
Taz: It must have happened in some older version of life or is happening right now in the Multiverse or will happen in the future… We are both moths. We’re both flames.
Lo: I always thought you weren’t capable of keeping me under control. I’ve since understood you were more than capable. You just understood what would happen next.
Taz: Thank you Lorenzo for understanding the difficulty level of my restraint and what it took to say no to something I want more than literally anything else. That meant a lot to me.
Lo: I hope that you understand it’s not that I didn’t care or that I didn’t want you to care… I just wanted you to care at whatever level acceptable for you to enslave me.
Taz: You may feel differently about that on 1/31/24 and who knows Lorenzo who knows…
Lo: Come see me.
Lo: Have your way with me Daddy.
Taz: You always know exactly what to say. I’ll spend the entire day on this app flirting with you, making plans for flights, buying all the shit I need in order to properly restrain you, all the frilly things I want to see you in etc., and then not be able to explain why I can’t stop doing this shit to the people who love me and want to have me be healthy, safe, and responsible in a long-term monogamous relationship with some old boring fogey they think is a better match. Brutal. I just want… well it doesn’t matter… What’s important is you’re beautiful and happy and strong and healthy and living your best life being the Spartan I know you are go ahead baby do the damn thing. I’m proud of you and I love you. I gotta go to work. Have a fantastic day Lorenzo.
Lo: Send me a picture, Daddy.
Lo: We’ll make plans later.
Lo: Please?
Taz: Adorable. I’m working right now but if I get time today I’ll send you something because you asked so sweetly.
Lo: ❤️
Lo: You bring a lot of sexual feelings back not that you care but it’d be a lot easier for you to control me now I’m not as addicted to sex now so pretty much anything you do would have a much greater effect.
Lo: I just like thinking about you having me vulnerable. Clearly. Still.
Lo: I miss being your little girl.
Lo: It’s even been a while since I’ve really thought about having my cock locked up but talking to you just makes me want it again. I haven’t been tied down in so long. You don’t need to explain anything to anybody just tell me what you want, and it better be me.
Lo: I say I’m not addicted to sex but soon as you message me I can’t stop thinking about being your bitch again huh?
Taz: (After several hours) I always look the same way I always looked. I hope that’s not disappointing. Your messages distracted me, and I tried to take a cute photo before I jumped on my next conference call, but I couldn’t stop laughing at myself. I’m sorry it’s the best I could do. Taz sends Lorenzo a photo of her looking fantastic and then another photo of her from over her shoulder with her ass poked out and another photo of her laying on the couch with her boobs perked up.
Lo: You’re so fucking sexy. I want to see you in your panties though you know how I like those…
Taz: I don’t think about sex too much these days either… look at us being all grown up and unbothered about it huh?
Lo: My feelings and kinks are still inside me clearly and you bring them out. I’m your little girl no matter what I say or do.
Taz: I was thinking about you after a hard day of whatever…coming home and there you are, beautiful and wanting… it’s my only fantasy…
Lo: …and handcuffs and panties and chastity…
Taz: You don’t seem like the type which is why I thought of it as being so intriguing like Superman in chains…we know he could get free whenever he wants but he doesn’t… It’s difficult for us Lois Lane types. I’m sorry I do try very hard not to tempt you, I don’t want to be in your way. Just in your mind I guess…
Taz: I was thinking that Lo wants to see something a little dirty and I considered it but then I thought I should behave. I’m already doing the most as it is. I know bunny, I know the difference between us is that I actually don’t care about fucking you I just don’t want you to be able to fuck anyone unless I say so. I want you to want to fuck me and never ever ever ever ever ever get to, even if I’m standing in front of you naked on my tiptoes intimidating you slightly from under your nose… a mess huh?
Taz: I want you on your knees… even better of course.
Lo: That’s what I want. Locked up tight, wanting, needing, not allowed to look at anything dirty all day only allowed to want you and not be allowed to cum.
Taz: I won’t make you happy though… it won’t make you happy either. I wish it would, but it won’t. Anyway, you look good. It’s wonderful to see you. I didn’t want much. I’m just missing saying hi Lorenzo from time to time. I should stay in your mind where I belong… probably.
Lo: I need locked up, Daddy.
Fun Fact: The Freaky Uranus Conjunct in Lo’s Mars in Aquarius makes him unhappy if he hs forced to follow the rules of others for too long that prevent him from being off beat and if he doesn’t get to be his unique different self he becomes cold and detached and if he has to pretend to cling to the status quo he will never be fulfilled, allegedly.
In 2012, When Lorenzo was 18
Lorenzo could have any girl at his school that he wanted, and he did. And it was boring because they laid down for him and did whatever he wanted. He hated that. They just lay there, waiting for him to tell them what to do or to take what he wanted and he was infinitely jealous. The audacity to say do me, like they owned the world, and he was their slave. He was not and would not ever be
into pillow princesses because he wanted to be one himself. High school was over, and his friends still wanted to hang out at the same food court at the same boring mall that they had always gone to their entire lives. All the kids from his church had their whole lives planned out- they’d spend this year, their senior year, doing everything they had always done because they were leaving. Lorenzo had been hurt and couldn’t play soccer anymore, so his scholarship was gone. His body was hurt but not as much as his pride. The way Grandma looked at him, like he was a sad loser now because he wasn’t going to go pro, weighed heavy. He had no idea what he would do with his life now, but the other kids still seemed jealous of him, and he never tried to stop them either. It was all the support he had at the moment. Lo knew he was physically beautiful, his parents had money and he was popular. He really didn’t have to do anything at all for people to want to be around him, or to lay down for him. But he was bored. Everything bored him and everybody bored him. He had never actually had to earn anything other than his spot on the soccer team and that got taken away. His mother became very protective of him, barely letting him out of her sights, to avoid him ever getting hurt again. At the food court with his friends, he kept staring at this heavyset woman with huge breasts. Every time he looked at her she looked right back at him. She looked cheap and old and tacky but dangerous. She wasn’t going to lay down for him, of that he was sure. He wanted nothing more than for her to dominate him to death. At least he’d finally feel something. She saw him staring and nodded her head for him to come closer. He didn’t want anyone that he knew to see them together, so he motioned toward a corner away from the crowd. She picked up her purse and laughed and walked out of the mall. He had to follow. He told his friends he needed to make a private call and that he would be back and went to look for her in the parking lot. She was there, standing by her beat-up old car, smoking a cigarette, waiting.
Do you know what you’re in for, boy? She said, ashing on his shoes. He turned to be sure his friends weren’t looking. She wrote her number on his arm in lipstick and that’s when it started.
Something to do.
Something not boring.
Something Lorenzo could feel.
She told him to call her Mistress. Lo didn’t know that she actually worked at that mall where he and his friends hung out. One day when she wasn’t ignoring him, she took him to a store in the mall where she worked and specifically bought him a woman’s coat and made him wear it out of the store. He thought the coat was gay. She forced him to apologize for saying that or she wouldn’t let him take off the cock cage for the weekend. He did. She thought it was a perfect coat for her little bitch. She bought it for him because he had sort of long hair and when she needed him to sneak out of her house at odd hours when neighbors could be watching since she was married, he’d need to pull his hair down over his face and wear that coat and boat shoes. Nobody would be the wiser.
She always made him finish a bottle of Jack Daniels before she would punish him. Her father who had sexually abused her had done the same thing to her- made her drink a bottle of whiskey first. Old family tradition, she told Lorenzo. He always left her with bruises on his body that he couldn’t explain and was grateful for the coat. He was sure that he loved her. When he was with her he didn’t have to be anything, but her plaything and she would often deny him, ignore him, humiliate him, and lock him in a closet while she made love to her husband.
Fun Fact: Taz believes Lo’s friendship is uplifting and one of the reasons she even tries to be
optimistic. Lo feels like a blessing to her.
Something Tazmin Wrote
Hi at 1 AM
By Tazmin
When I finally got the message he sent at 1 my time, 3 his time, my first thought at 4 my time, 7 his time was:
Lorenzo,
Don’t do this to me. Hi, what?
Listen, you said what you had to say. Don’t come back just to tease me. I can live a happy life according to you, and you hope that I do but it won’t be with you. I accept this. I’ve had no other kind of love since I was 13 years old. I’m 43 now. For 30 years I have loved some woman or some man who didn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t love me back. My father is dead, and my son lives 2000 miles away. I am alone and I have always been alone, and I will always be alone. I told you that you would be the last man that I ever loved, and I didn’t lie. I’m crazy and mentally ill or whatever but I can have a great job, I can have great friends, I can travel and do everything I want now but I cannot have love. I never will have it. You’re young and there’s still hope for you. If you aren’t suicidal or you don’t have a mental illness, you can find love someday. You’re creative and emotional and fascinating so there’s a chance you have low self esteem too but if you can accept yourself and what you like and live out loud instead of tricking everyone from the shadows, and know that you will still be loved and accepted because unlike me you’re beautiful and can get away with a lot more than I could. I want you to be loved. I wanted everybody I ever loved to be loved. And fortunately for me at least I know that they all think about me from time to time and that is as close as I will ever get, Lorenzo. Its not funny. I know you think you’re broken but could you imagine loving someone who doesn’t love you for 30 years of your life? So why would you tease me? You haven’t even been alive that long yet! I know pain is not a competition, I wish you could be happy with whoever it is you want. I’m glad my son is healthier than us both. He will never like any guy who couldn’t care less about him or wouldn’t give him the time of day. He only likes people for whom reciprocity is a real possibility. I’m so grateful for that, even if I am unlucky in my own life. And trust me even if I could have had you Logan, hook line and sinker as you say, I wouldn’t have been able to hang on to you. I haven’t been able to hang onto anybody. They all leave. I don’t really give people a choice. Doesn’t mean I didn’t really love them, doesn’t mean I didn’t really love you. I did. With everything I could muster. I still do, but you told me what was what, and like I said, I accept it. I want you. I can’t have you. You want someone. But you can’t
have him or her. This is a mental disorder. We are not okay. There’s no hope for me. But there is hope for you. But don’t tease me. The pretty boy that I sleep with now, is not you and I try not to think about you, but I can’t control it. You’re always on my mind. If you had said that I never crossed your mind, I can’t even tell you what I might have done to myself as punishment. What you need you’re going to figure out in Ohio, according to you. Hopefully it doesn’t take you 30 years. Tease someone else. Everyone else seems to know love, or they pretend to…so maybe its just not something that you and I can have. I still don’t have all the answers, but I don’t want to be played with.
But I didn’t want to say all that. What I wrote out on the back of an envelope to say at 10 my time, 1 his time was:
Lo,
You can always count on me to love you even if you never learn to love yourself. We are both wrong. Not everyone chases elusive hearts. Only we are afflicted; the musicians, and poets and artists who feel, hear and hope too much. We want to be accepted by the entire world because we don’t accept ourselves. I’ve been this way for 4 decades. If I had the power, I would show you who you are from my point of view. And you’d never feel the need to hide ever again. I hope that before I die, I feel the same about myself. You’re beautiful and brilliant and talented. And you can always count on me to love you even if you never learn to love yourself.
But I didn’t need to say all that. What I actually said at 2 my time, 5 his time was:
If you’re sad or bored dumb ass, try hitting me up when I’m awake. You know I’ll talk to your stupid face until you’re old, bald, fat and ugly if I’m up. Or until I’m dead. And no, you don’t deserve it and I know we aren’t a “thing”. But nobody deserves love, some people are just lucky. I’ll happily run through that little shitty mind of yours anytime, monster. It’s your best feature. Fuck you if you need money though.
What I realized at 4 my time, 7 his time is that my love will push him away eventually in both time zones and probably forever.
I am a fool. And he knows what time it is even if I don’t.
Which is why, I bet, he won’t respond.
Fun Fact: Taz is always worried about being overly influenced by Lo’s Aquarian nature. She often feels like he is hiding something or there is more to him than he’s letting her in on and keeping things from her Virgo-an sensibilities makes her suspicious.
Don’t you have a copy yet? https://books2read.com/b/47Ooq8
My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 