In 2012, When Tazmin was 37
Tazmin dimmed the lights in the living room of her apartment, put episodes of Downton Abbey on her laptop and microwaved a smoked sausage filled with cheese. She was high, and happy and feeling free. Just a few days ago she was in an apartment with George who poured Turmeric on her work clothes to teach her a lesson for questioning him, and Now, with begging and pleading to the leasing agent of this new place in tears, she was in her own crib, with a separate bedroom for her son, and no cable for the first time in their lives but internet, and access to all sorts of Library DVDs. The youngling was full and happy and playing alone in his quiet space in his big ass room and Tazmin felt like playing too. She downloaded a dating app while she finished a bottle of whiskey and created a new profile in a new location. She was no longer from Vegas, She was finally Californian again, like she had wanted to be in the beginning. Life and its detours she thought.
As soon as she set her profile wants and needs she got a ping from Johnny.
Johnny looked like Henry Cavill probably looked when he was 21. Johnny looked like what heaven would look like if it were a person to Tazmin. Before he even spoke, before she had even read what he said in his messages to her, Tazmin had already found herself smitten. Just from staring at his profile pictures, they were all smooth and tight and young and untarnished, She ached for him and had never even heard him speak yet. The fantasy in her head had already begun. They had already fallen in love. He was already devoted.
Hi. He spoke. Wow, you’re really beautiful.
Yeah I know she responded, what else is on your mind? To Tazmin this small talk was annoying. She had already fast forwarded through all of this in her thoughts and was ready to be together forever.
I don’t know he said, so many things. I’m just really grateful you responded, I didn’t think that you would.
You didn’t she typed. Why is that?
Because I guess, Since I’m sort of a kid, I thought you wouldn’t give me a chance.
A chance for what she asked knowingly. He was going to tell her that is was so incredible that he couldn’t resist her, at least according to the script for him she had written in her mind after seeing his photos.
He said that he was a virgin and he wanted his first sexual experience to be with her, if she were willing. She was conflicted and nearly caused her own fist to bleed from holding it so tightly. This wasn’t in the script, but he was so upfront about it and quick with it and she was on the edge of high- she could murder him and get away with it flowed through her brain and at the same time she couldn’t think of anything better to do with her night than him, in ways that no one else had done before at the very least. Either way he would be hers and if he were a virgin, hers no matter what.
Is that right? She replied. Intriguing.
She would be his first everything and was sick with the power of it. Every other experience he ever had, she allowed him to leave of course, would in some way remind him of her. Sometimes when he was alone, or even in bed with someone else, he would think back to how he felt about her the first time anyone had ever been what he used to cum. The first flesh. The first death.
Then he said what she really wanted to hear more than anything else.
Please.
She leaped out of her skin like cartoons want to do.
She closed her eyes and listened to him beg over and over in her head and although he had only done it once in reality, to Tazmin, he had begged for a thousand years.
He’d get mad at some woman somewhere in the future because she didn’t do what he liked the way Taz did the first time. And then he did it again.
I’m begging you; I really want to be near you tonight, he whined. What could ever be more fulfilling than pretty, fair-skinned, young boys, begging? She thought.
She wasn’t really sure what to do exactly, she had never had sex with a virgin before, but this was an opportunity of a lifetime- one way to guarantee you change someone’s entire life’s trajectory- to find out if they are easily addicted or not. To make them worship you for as long as they live. To be so grateful until they leave this planet in a pine box to you above all others. This was as close as Tazmin ever thought she’d get to love- some young man’s complete and utter devotion.
Please he said again completely and utterly weak and desperate. The trifecta.
The ache made her pussy leak. She was no longer hungry for cheap sausage.
In an effort to hold onto some sort of status, of glory, of choice and control, of whimsy and mayhem, of lust and and conflict and rebellion against the norm, Tazmin invited the exquisite young flower, Johnny to come to her apartment and have his first romantic encounter. They were both terrified but only one of them was allowed to show it. Johnny didn’t know where to put his hands. His eyes were so huge and wide from being overwhelmed Taz was surprised they didn’t just fall out of his head. Taz let him feel his way and mostly fantasized that every boy she had ever loved before was secretly watching this somewhere and was jealous. So, she performed for an audience she could not see, and Johnny was a willing prop.
He lay there after the first round out of breath and clutching his chest and smiling covered in sweat.
For a split second, staring at his smiling face, Tazmin felt anger. She felt used. Did he think she was a prostitute? Did he think that she was so desperate for affection that she would fuck anyone who asked? Did he think that he could just use her because that’s how black girls were, loose? She wasn’t sure, so she straddled him and put a boob into his mouth.
Are you happy baby, she asked him, softly lifting her body and placing it down on is hardening member and lifting off him again.
He said yes, eyes bulging again, bewildered and frightened. She felt the fear and liked it. She put him inside of her and put her hands around his throat. He tried holding onto her waist but he was starting to not be able to breathe, so he reached for her arms instead,
Don’t you fucking ever touch me, she said to him, without permission. She gripped his throat tighter.
We do what I want to do when I say so, you got that, Johnny?
He shook his head and she let him go. He wheezed a little and she completely got off of him and went into the living room to smoke a cigarette.
Johnny lay there for a while and she heard him get up to come find her, think better of it and go lay back down. She never went back into the room so eventually he got the picture and got dressed. When he was ready to leave, Tazmin just walked him to the door without saying a word and closed it behind him. She knew everything there was to know. He didn’t resist. He didn’t fight back. He didn’t argue or insult her or try to do the same things she had done back to her. He was grateful and obedient, and she couldn’t have been more satisfied and relieved.
And that first night wasn’t the last night. They met only at night, for several months until Tazmin wanted something more substantial, and Johnny knew that he was really too young to be anything useful to her other than a plaything. Tazmin always went back to the boys she thought were the most beautiful during full moons and after a couple of years, when Johnny felt like he’d finally had skills to showcase, and he’d hoped that she was pleased by his performance, he reached out. He wasn’t as cute as he was when he was young after all the time that had passed, but she was still flattered. He wanted her to think he was a man all of sudden. And she loved every minute of it until he tried to use some of the methods she had taught him, on her. They had sex in the back of a rental car behind an abandoned casino and when Johnny went to put his hands around her throat she pushed him away disgusted and got dressed to leave. Johnny would never become the man he was before he met her, and he told her so. He apologized profusely, in near tears but the fantasy had already faded, she already knew that he would worship her, and she found it boring and disrespectful and without explanation, Tazmin left. She had several dating apps in her phone at this point, so she wasn’t concerned that she wouldn’t find someone else, and soon who could become her latest muse. He didn’t even drink whiskey.
Neither of them knew it would happen at the time but 8 years later when they both were living through a global pandemic, Johnny used every resource he could find to reach out to Taz just to make sure she was okay. For an hour, Tazmin was in love with him all over again and was glad she hadn’t choked him to death.
Fun Fact: A past incarnation of Lorenzo was the savagely murdered daughter of a Caribbean Village Leader after drunken British Soldiers caught her performing a traditional nude dance by moonlight and claimed she was a witch.
The Final Part of Lorenzo and Tazmin’s Real Final Conversation, in 2023…
Lo: I appreciate you.
Taz: If you really did, you could be friends with me. But you can’t Lo and that makes me feel like you only see me as a sexual object and you know, if anybody knows, I’m worth way more than that. Like I said, I will abide by your wishes, at least until next year, but if knowing me is that damn hard,…I dunno I feel sad. It’s okay. I’ve been sad before and I’ll recover. I always do. I want the best for you, whatever that is.
Lo: Me appreciating you might not mean much, but your support and care has meant a lot to me and has helped shape who I’ve become. Thank you.
Taz: Gross. Lol. Well, if we’re going to be all sappy I didn’t even know what I was truly capable of until I met you and I’m never going back into the shadows.
Lo: It’s just that having a mistress turn me into a female sex slave isn’t something that would ever work in my family, I’m sorry.
Taz: Seems you always have been. Don’t see it changing anytime soon.
Lo: What do you mean by that?
Taz blocks him yet again.
Fun Fact: This isn’t fun anymore.
Present Day, 2024, again
Lorenzo put the manuscript down. He had finished it and felt just as self-righteous as he did when he picked it up. He told himself that his judgment was exceptional and laughed. He went to the bathroom in his apartment to take a shirtless selfie to send to 5 women in his phone and his smile was one that said, more women will write books about me, I am a god of my own making. He quickly deleted them because leaving evidence now would jeopardize everything and he was no fool. He put the phone down on the sink and sobbed. He would never be as talented as any of the women he tried to surround himself with. Yes, he was good looking and yes, he was cunning and yes, he could pretend to be interested and talented in short bursts but the fact of the matter was without the accolades and kudos and expressions of affection from the women he knew starting from his mother on down to Tazmin, he was nothing. Completely invisible. Useless. Worthless. Shallow. He was exquisitely average in the most commercially pathetic ways and a charismatic chickenshit to boot.
He was going to change now though. It was finally time. And for good.
He was really going to allow the Lord to come into his life and remake him into a better man. He was going to stop using people, stop manipulating situations, stop trying so hard to get attention to fill the empty void in his life. He was going to commit to eating better, staying away from drugs. He would be a better man than his father or any other man he’d known. Today was going to be the start of actually making Grandma Linda proud and taking his truly rightful place as a servant of God Almighty. His suffering was proof that we all suffer, and we all fall short regardless of what we look like or what privileges we’d been afforded. The only master he needed to follow was Jesus now and noticing all of this he wept even harder as he pulled on a shirt and double checked that he had completely deleted the photos he had taken. She’d written a book! He tried to smile but every time he did, he had to shake it off. Although the parts about him were fiction, he couldn’t help recognizing the monster he had been, and clearly. He knew that the parts she had written between them and about herself were 100% factual. There was no one in the room to see him cringe. He needed to prove to himself that he wasn’t just a pretty face and a leech. He needed to walk the path that his god had laid out for him since his birth and to stop being afraid.
The doorbell rang.
The last thing he wanted to do is have anyone see him crying so he yelled out, who is it? He knew they had responded something, but he couldn’t hear what was said and gathered himself. A new chapter was starting. One minute, he yelled out. He looked at his reflection once more, this time splashing a little cold water onto his face and hair before he went to see who was at the door. He took a selfie anyway.
He opened the door and to his surprise it was Tazmin wearing sunglasses and a large hat. She was also wearing a coat just like the one he had refused to give her a couple of years back. In that second, he was flattered. And confused. Intrigued and a tiny bit terrified.
All the blood in his body rushed to his dick. That happened every time she spoke to him or was in his presence and he had no control over the reaction. He was hoping his face reflected nothing, but he knew Tazmin saw through him.
The ending was weird, Lo said.
He thought to himself that she was aging well and was smiling. He hadn’t noticed she had new teeth. He was extremely happy to see her especially after finishing the manuscript, but it was weird that she was suddenly there. She looked good. He had so much to say that he knew he never would. She opened her arms and walked over to him revealing she had no clothes on under the coat. His mouth fell open as she got close enough to hug him and he hadn’t noticed that she’d grabbed his hand while pointing a gun that she had been holding behind her back at his chest and as he looked down at it and attempted to step back, she suddenly shot him.
Without anyone being the wiser, a vampire walked out.
When he collapsed in his own doorway, Tazmin whose only other real accessory was the gloves she was wearing, put the 3-d printed gun in his hand, removing the silencer. She stepped over him to find the manuscript and packaging she had sent, grabbed it and as he bled out, hopped back over his body to leave the location. Lorenzo luckily left a shirt and shorts he probably wore to workout lying on a corner of the chair in the room and Tazmin ran out unnoticed, tossing the coat and the hat in a dumpster near the hospital where he had been born 16 miles away and putting on his too tight clothes instead. She lit the manuscript on fire and tossed it in the dumpster as well setting all the trash, the book and proof aflame.
The wind blew. And back into the shadows of all places, Tazmin fled, looking at the skyline for a place to jump from so she and Lo could finally be together forever after all like she had always hoped they would be. Traffic was bad and no one cared about either of them, or that one of them no longer existed or that the other wouldn’t soon.
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My Mind, My Mood, My delicately poisoned pen... 