Rootless Girl Day Dreams

New personal goal: Never live in a nursing home- die first.

I’m taking stock of my values this morning and what’s truly important to my mental health and well being.

I simply cannot be in the care of others. That’s never worked out for me from birth- it would be foolish to not break the cycle of unsatisfactory caregivers by ensuring I never have to have one again. My loftiest endeavors, love, admiration, obedience- these are lovely breath mints and deodorants masking the underlying recurring odor of atrophy. Take care of me.

I’ve had to settle this entire time for what others could spare. I’ve tried to fit into whatever group would have me so I could rest from standing alone. I’ve given my heart and mind and body to men every time who couldn’t care for me specifically for that reason underneath it all and no other-respite that never came-because I knew that although it would be terrible to be with someone I could barely stand, at the very least I would never be fooled by them.

But now I wonder- this impulsiveness to leave- to be free- that part that won’t sit still or fall in line is only another puppy you hate for simply wanting to jump and play- a thing you’ve only ever allowed to dance in your skull if it kept a tether to the approval of other people around it for cushioning falls.

This is the ride.

You can’t fix yesterday but there’s still a chance- as long as you’re breathing- to make sure tomorrow is not a day where you have to remain silent for whatever reason while an unwanted hand must attend to the hem of your skirt hatefully. The only mission left for me, kid.

Take care of me.

Do you sleep as close to the sea as you have dreamed? How many one more days do you think this revolution needs?

Nobody cares. Nobody could. Nobody will. Nobody would.

Still my life though and I want to live the rest of it free- even if I never write another thing

I’m swearing I’ll do all I am able from this moment on to have a good time carrying on

Caring enough about me to never spend a day in nobody’s discarded and unwanted ass rest home.

Good morning self sorry I’m late!