A Second Day Dawned

I made a decision over the weekend that for the 71 days running up to my half a century birthday that I would set a short timer and write something down each morn. Doesn’t have to be coherent, as if anything I have penned actually is- doesn’t have to answer a question, solve a problem or follow any particular type of formula, other than it is in some sort of Americanized English. Sentence structure needs to at least sorta kinda flow. Other than that, whatever free write truth in nonsense reveals itself to me, then ta da! The purpose of the doing, yes? Does it have to be perfect, well of course not and how could anything made by hands ever be, considering the celestial backdrop we all enjoy… who knows in these next few days what ponderings will bubble up, what embarrassments and lies and unfinished plans, I can’t even say, whilst I’m saying. I’m a little worried about the actual day- I’ve already gone on a grand adventure with my sorority sister and made vacation friends to honor the event but that isn’t the actual day itself and I know the day itself doesn’t matter to anyone but me yet I’m worried that nobody but me will care. The brands of products I subscribe to unwittingly, they’ll care and send coupons. I’m sure my child, when he finishes living his life, will remember and send me a text and actually what a punk ass bitch I’m being right now. How dare me expect other people to care about anything I do. Especially since I don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone else does. It’s funny, I expect the whole world to want to be my friend and I extend not one finger toward anyone else anymore. Been there, and done a whole lot of that. When I did though, I knew it was for the purposes of reciprocity- in most cases anyway, except for when I was in love, and then it was, take whatever I have, kill me in service, who cares…. and now, getting close to people makes me think of all those previous sacrifices that I barely survived. Kissing ass is the only way you aren’t buying your own birthday cake, broad. Sure, I see the world in black and white sadly and I try very hard to get the nuances but bottom lining it, the traditions that you hold and keep with others cost something. Cost peace of mind worrying about them, time and energy supporting and caring for them, even if they cannot or will not do the same for you. A bunch of coddling and lying and pretending its not so bad is involved. Lots of fucking forgiveness flying around. I’m worried no one will be there but this is a thought I have to just let come and go and often as it needs to. Its a cloud and I’m crazy and we all have our clouds. I’ve still got 69 days to go to even make it officially to the milestone so who knows what will happen between then and now. You couldn’t have told me that I would have met a person just yesterday who fell asleep in onboarding training at their new job and when they were pulled aside for a one on one to determine if there was a problem told me dead to my face that they believe they have undiagnosed narcolepsy and I had oh, oh so many thoughts- that it would have been inappropriate to share… like for one- where did the snoring come from though? You weren’t just asleep- you were snoring, loudly, I could have sharpened my fingernails under the sawing vibration coming off her. All of us, me, the rest of my students, we all tried to maintain this child’s ( who mind you is nearly 30) dignity but what I wanted to do was yell get the hell outta here! Who sleeps when they are learning about their work, especially when I’m facilitating I’m the most enthusiastically engaged teacher in 3 counties! Undiagnosed narcolepsy? Girl! go get it diagnosed then, what the hell? Anyway-it’ll be fine. Worst case, I’ll find something fun to do on the day, if I make it. I hope that chick does not come back today. We will see…